SHe refuses to attend

[smiley gladhands]

i am married to someone that, after reading about BPD, think may have it. We have 2 small children together (both under the age of 3). I have requested we go to counseling together, but she refuses.

The most recent blowup happened over christmas. She never liked my sister in law much, but i've always been able to get her to coexist at family functions. Well, this year we didnt get my sister-in-law's grown son a christmas gift (at my wife's insistence), and we got a nasty email from her about it.

Now, my wife, while understandably upset, has flown off the handle. SHe refuses to attend, and allow my children to attend, any family function where my sister in law will be (upcoming 80th birthday for my grandmother, 60th birthday of my mom, etc.), and is constantly referring to my sister in law in racist and disgusting terms She is trying to extend this into a bigger fight by forcing my mother to "choose" who she invites and who she'd "rather see" and is taking it as an insult that my mother is not uninviting my brother ans his wife from family functions. I try to tell her we can still go and not interact with the people she is mad at, but gets even more furious with me for not taking her side or supporting her. I dont want to miss, and dont want my children to miss, large family gatherings (which happen very rarely)

She is constantly searching for signs of disrespect from my parents or me. Every gift anyone buys my children is deemed "a piece of garbage" and gets returned to the store the next day. She is extremely critical of me, and seems to derive no joy from our children - i dont think ive ever seen her sit on the floor and just play with them. If she gets mad at me, i usually get a stream of profanities and reactions that have included divorce threats, or more recently, going to the courthouse and changing my childrens last names (can she even do this legally?) On weekends, i am often left to my own devices to care for the kids as she spends most of her time playing with an iPad or taking naps (honestly, i prefer her not bothering us, but my children want attention from their mother). She has virtually no patience at all for my 2 year old, who is smart, beautiful, and everything in the world to me. Wife's father is exactly the same, and has basically no family relationships left because he argues with people over silly little things and then decides never to speak to them again. I try to point out to her that she is behaving like him (as she has observed his behavior herself and said its stupid)

My parents are in constant fear that one day she will say they cant see my daughters anymore, and are always walking on eggshells with her. SHe and her parents seem to once or twice a year have massive screaming matches over nothing, and it seems like this is how they handle conflicts. I should've seen warning signs before marriage, but i never thought it'd be this bad. My anxiety has gotten so bad that i've had to take medication to help (and honestly, it has helped me cope).

At times my mind turns to divorce, but i'm terrified about my children. Firstly, i dont want to leave them alone with her, and secondly, i know how vindictive and angry she gets - she absolutely will do everything she can to poison my childrens minds against me and/or prevent me from seeing them - their well-being and mental health be damned.

How have people fared in the "stick together for the kids" strategy?

[hithere]

In regular 'we don't get along and fight all the time' it is still better to get a divorce then model a bad relationship for many years with kids and that is not taking into consideration the parents sacrificing their happiness.

In a relationship with a person with BPD I don't see how it can be good for anyone involved.

I would start going to therapy yourself and maybe get some legal advice.  Definitely start documenting your wife's behavior.  Is this type of behavior new?

[smiley gladhands]

i'd have to say its been going on for most of our marriage. I know she had another side to her when we were dating, but we werent living together so it was harder to realize the depth of it. I think it maybe did get a little worse after our first child was born, and i had thought maybe it was post-partum depression or something.

I'm just so drained. Does therapy help if your BPD partner refuses to go? I will start documenting the behavior.

Is there anyone here that made the "stay" decision, and how has that worked out?

[Iwantout]

Hey Smiley,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  I cannot offer any advice because I do not have small children involved but I can totally relate to a lot of things you are going through. My BPD partner of 12 years hates everything about my family and has tried in every way to keep me away from them.  It's some sort of jealousy thing that I can't explain but it is so extremely difficult to deal with such conflicts between people that you love.  I have had to fight and argue my way through years of trying to keep peace between her and my mother, father, brother and sisters.  If I where not a strong person I probably would have given in and just stayed away from family to keep peace in my life.  I have tried everything but it has not helped.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it may never change.  It hasn't for me in 12 years... .  Good Luck to you.

[smiley gladhands]

and just as i'm typing this, she calls me that her father (who i think is BPD) and picks up my 2 year old from daycare has begun arguing with the teachers when picking up my child (accusing them of not being careful enough with her because she has a cut on her knee, etc). I'd like to get him out of this role asap, but i work into the evening and my wife says its too hard for her to pick up my on her way home from work. 

SO now its only a matter of time until he has some blow-out with them, and i have to find new daycare.

[hithere]

Does therapy help if your BPD partner refuses to go?

If she goes it is good but you need to go yourself.

[smiley gladhands]

could use some advice in dealing with the situation as it currently stands now. After multiple arguments and threats, my wife continues to tell me she would not attend my grandmothers upcoming 80th birthday party, and neither of my children would be able to attend, but she didnt "give a f***" if i attend.

So i told her would go by myself, and left it at that, and we havent discussed it for weeks. Fast forward to yesterday, when i was confirming with my parents specifics about the party (timing, etc) she started saying i can't go, as she can't handle 2 kids home alone by herself, and the timing wouldnt work given my childrens nap schedule. I told her we never discussed that point, and per our last conversation, i wasn't pressuring her or kids to attend, but i wanted to go. I tried pointing out to her that staying home with 2 children was her choice, and everyone was invited and that i tried compromising with her by (1) asking her & the kids to attend anyway (2) letting me take the 2 kids and she can stay back at home or (3) letting me take 1 child.

She then started screaming at me that we are "finished", and that she'll never trust me again, and she views me as a stranger, and kept saying we were "done". She took her pillow and blankets and went to sleep on the couch, sobbing and crying. I followed her downstairs and told her basically that i didnt think she felt that strongly about me personally attending, and since it upset her this much, i wasn't going to go either (she just told me to go away and leave her alone, which i did). When i went downstairs this morning, some clothes i had in a laundry basket downstairs were thrown all over the living room, so i guess she felt the need to throw things.

I was expecting the full silent treatment this morning, but sHe continues to say its really simple, and can't believe how my parents are picking my sister-in-law over her. My parents refuse to "uninvite" anyone to the party and dont want to get involved, which is the reaction any sane person would have, in my opinion.

I had sworn i was gonna stick to my guns about going to this thing, but i'm honestly not sure if she is or isn't serious with threats about divorce, etc. I can't let it come to that, as she will do everything in her power to separate me from the children as she knows it will kill me to be away from them. I also feel i need to be around to protect the little ones from her rage. She has a habit of making up "facts" to fit her version of things, so i seriously wouldn't be surprised if she would make up stories about neglect, abuse, or whatever else if we were to separate, just to get her way.

Should i have stuck to my guns, and seen what would've happened? I know shes going to continue to play this card with me when she wants, and i dont see a way around it right now

[hithere]

and i dont see a way around it right now

By giving in you are reinforcing that if she rages and threatens enough she will get her way.

The reason she freaked out is because you presented too logical options, it would happen with my ex also.  She was high functioning and when the options were too logical she would leave reality and freak out.

I think you should be documenting her rages and any other behavior that could help you one day if you decide you can't take it anymore.

If you are dead-set on staying then you should probably start posting on the staying board, the members there will have many more good ideas on coping.

good luck

[blecker]

Question:

Who will fare better?

A child in Somalia that only sees death, destruction, starvation and hopeless existence.

A child in Somalia that sees death, destruction, starvation and hopeless existence but has some regular visits to a nice town and school in Morroco.


You know your situtation best but it is my expereince that children fare much better when they are exposed to healthy environments at least some of the time.

And I don't see it a foregone conclusion that your wife would get primary custody. Fight for them, you are all they have.

[smiley gladhands]

my worry is since i have to work long hours during the week, my wife has been the primary caregiver on weekdays, and my concern is that the courts take that seriously.

When you say to document, in what respect? just like write it down in a notebook or something? is that something that would make a difference in a court case?

[marbleloser]

You married my X!

"my worry is since i have to work long hours during the week, my wife has been the primary caregiver on weekdays, and my concern is that the courts take that seriously"

If you're contemplating divorce,you need a plan.First,you're in a good position since she can't handle the kids.Yes,courts take the primary caregiver thing serious.You can change who the primary is.It may mean working less hours or changing jobs,so you can be home with the kids when they're there. This is what you need to do first!

Second,document in a journal,the way she acts.Save all emails and texts between you and her.You need to establish that there is a pattern to this.Start this TODAY!

In your journal,also include what you do,daily,for the kids.I.e., 6PM Gave "kiddo" a bath. Colored with her/him. 8PM Tucked "kiddo" in and read a book to him/her.9PM Sent daycare an email apologizing for FIL's actions when he picked up "kiddo" today.

Look at it as a marathon.You'll need to document this over time.At least 6 months.In the meantime,don't let her or anyone else know that you're doing this.You may need to keep your journal at work,so she won't find it.

I'd recommend this to anyone going through divorce or even if you think there might the possiblility of divorce in the future.Courts like documents!Not "he said/she said".

[smiley gladhands]

thanks for the tips, i'm keeping my notebook in the office so she can't find it, and started writing in it today.

Does anyone know of any NYC area lawyers that specialize in divorcing a BPD spouse? tried googling, but nothing came up for ny... .  i just want to have it in my back pocket, just in case.