It was hard.
but then it wasn't.
but then it was.
I woke up ridden with anxiety this morning, my chest and gut flooding with adrenalin making me feel sick and agitated.
I tried to proceed with the tasks at hand, positive things, making decorations for my upcoming birthday, staying off the internet.
I was given an iPod for xmas by my family and I found a Radiohead song on it I like called Codex
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YytoOsoR5mEupon the opening piano solo, I crumbled. I felt my heart break into a million pieces in a shockingly new visitation of such an old theme, my heart breaking over this man.
and I stood in my kitchen and wept. and I was shocked by the raw edge of pain.
I realise a few things. that I tried, in vain to get him to understand things, feelings I had so that he might have some insight into my difficulties. He simply couldn't see the logic that his with holding information had impacted me severely.
as the last 2 years has progressed and in spite of my efforts, I was never going to be able to change the moment he shifted into devaluing me. ever. I was never going to be able to 'go back'.
and I miss him so much, 'that' person.
His in
validation of me may never change. I've crept past the 24 hour line, and feel some dread of what I know could be my weakness and my desire to contact him. I have absolutely no contingency plan for if he contacts me. Im not anticipating that happening, he is already ensconced in a new fascination which gives him the attention he needs.
Today was tough. but its over.
