I'm excited about life without her

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Hi everyone,

It's me again. Can't remember the last time I posted here but it feels like forever. I just wanted to share my progress, maybe it will also help others see what maybe on the horizon for them.

Its been over a month now but it feels like the memory of her has been over a year. I don't hurt over her, I don't think about her, I'm not angry at her, I'm not sad about things, I don't love her and mostly, I don't want to be with her. Meaning I don't even care about being with her. Which also means if she calls and shows that she's open to getting back I would probably laugh, call her a "sociopath" (if I was feeling mean) and tell her I'm doing great without her. Any feelings that I have have not been particularly strong. I might remember something and get upset but it's so fleeting.

I realized one thing in the relationship with her, that I deserve better. I loved her at the time but I love myself too and she couldn't love me. It is evident by the fact that she controls me and limits me from being myself (walking on eggshells). To everyone reading, if you are walking on eggshells it means you are changing because you are not accepted for who you are. Simply, you aren't loved for who you are. Getting out of my relationship felt freeing because finally I can love myself. I am in joy to be back with myself and not losing it to her. Being with her any longer would have been an act of self loathe. We give ourselves what we feel we deserve. I see this more clearly now. Maybe it's easier for me to say now because I'm detaching or detached already.

I am still building a life. I still am not happy with how things are with me but I am ecstatic that I've left craziness behind and to other poor people. I recall one friend of hers eyeing her and she's probably with him. I have no jealousy. I feel bad for the fella. I used to feel bad for her too but she doesn't feel like me; she will be in love one day (its not real love, just the feeling of securing someone) then drop into the abyss the next day and then would feel nothing to the person. No hurt, no love, nothing. At this point I'm not sure I can sympathize. It's too cruel. It's too hurtful to other people who have a capacity to feel loving.

Be loving to yourselves, people. I am building my life again with a healthier group of people who can take jokes like sarcasm... I can make fun of myself by being a fool and I can make fun of them... we'll both laugh. It's easy. No need to over think malintentions and narcissistic injury. No need for games. Just simple things and good people that will smile back at you and offer tangible support.

I'm excited to build. I have dated one girl but I am not ready to jump into a relationship. My freedom is too valuable for me to give up right now. I don't want to be involved. Things would just happen naturally and hopefully when I am building a good life for myself.

Take care all.

[nylonsquid]

Hi everyone,

It's me again. Can't remember the last time I posted here but it feels like forever. I just wanted to share my progress, maybe it will also help others see what maybe on the horizon for them.

Its been over a month now but it feels like the memory of her has been over a year. I don't hurt over her, I don't think about her, I'm not angry at her, I'm not sad about things, I don't love her and mostly, I don't want to be with her. Meaning I don't even care about being with her. Which also means if she calls and shows that she's open to getting back I would probably laugh, call her a "sociopath" (if I was feeling mean) and tell her I'm doing great without her. Any feelings that I have have not been particularly strong. I might remember something and get upset but it's so fleeting.

I realized one thing in the relationship with her, that I deserve better. I loved her at the time but I love myself too and she couldn't love me. It is evident by the fact that she controls me and limits me from being myself (walking on eggshells). To everyone reading, if you are walking on eggshells it means you are changing because you are not accepted for who you are. Simply, you aren't loved for who you are. Getting out of my relationship felt freeing because finally I can love myself. I am in joy to be back with myself and not losing it to her. Being with her any longer would have been an act of self loathe. We give ourselves what we feel we deserve. I see this more clearly now. Maybe it's easier for me to say now because I'm detaching or detached already.

I am still building a life. I still am not happy with how things are with me but I am ecstatic that I've left craziness behind and to other poor people. I recall one friend of hers eyeing her and she's probably with him. I have no jealousy. I feel bad for the fella. I used to feel bad for her too but she doesn't feel like me; she will be in love one day (its not real love, just the feeling of securing someone) then drop into the abyss the next day and then would feel nothing to the person. No hurt, no love, nothing. At this point I'm not sure I can sympathize. It's too cruel. It's too hurtful to other people who have a capacity to feel loving.

Be loving to yourselves, people. I am building my life again with a healthier group of people who can take jokes like sarcasm... I can make fun of myself by being a fool and I can make fun of them... we'll both laugh. It's easy. No need to over think malintentions and narcissistic injury. No need for games. Just simple things and good people that will smile back at you and offer tangible support.

I'm excited to build. I have dated one girl but I am not ready to jump into a relationship. My freedom is too valuable for me to give up right now. I don't want to be involved. Things would just happen naturally and hopefully when I am building a good life for myself.

Take care all.

[mitti]

Hi nylonsquid,

So happy to read about your progress, it's so reassuring for so many of us here. And I feel I am in a similar situation as you these days, and I was in a really bad state the last time he left me, so bad I wasn't sure I would make it. This time I broke up with him but then couldn't bring myself to make it a real break so when he pushed me away again I felt relieved and just told him OK. Now I can see myself in your description and that is so reassuring. I have been worried that I was in some kind of state where I hadn't really understood what this break means although I don't feel like that at all. To read that others feel the same, are doing so well after such a short time makes me feel confident that I am finally over him, and detaching.

Thanks for sharing

[HostNoMore]

NS:

I am happy to hear that you are getting your self and life back.  One step at a time in the right direction will get you there.  You're so right about having people accept you for who you are.  We should have to change our core selves for no one.

I feel really bad for mine's current host too.  I think every BPD relationship plays by its own unique timeline depending on the interplay between borderline and the chosen mark.  The BPD part will always show up sooner or later though.

In retrospect, coupled with information I've learned and intuition, I think I may have been used solely for triangulation (read definition) purposes by mine.  Anyway, freedom is great.  New friends are great.  Being the center of one's life is great.  The healthy relationships that I know of seem to all allow degrees of those three things too for both partners.

[nylonsquid]

Hi mitti!

I've scratched my head on how to love and support her. I've given my entire being to her only to be met with "I'll think about it". With the knowledge I have gained I realize there is no capacity for true love in this person. If porn sex and preserving a fake image is her idea of life then she is forever going to be disappointed. She may find another person who is as narcissistic as her that they'd share this skewed view in life but I'm sure it won't last. This is the Disneyfication of the world where everything is perfect and everyone is happy. Ever wonder why clowns are disturbing? Because it's not natural/normal to be perfectly happy all the time. What I stand for is celebrating what makes us human and that is the capacity to grow and realizing personal potential. You can't grow without seeing your faults. And for everyone who are strong enough to look at themselves and push themselves forward through this, I have admiration. I want to be with someone like that. I don't want to be with someone who wants me to fit in to a 'perfect world'. How is that exciting? How is this growing? There is no growth with my exgf. She is probably a BPD, very likely an NPD and possibly a sociopath. Does it matter? No. She's delusional and never gave me support.

I can't wait to give my love to someone worthy who will appreciate it and reciprocate it. To be frank, this really excites me. Imagine waking up every day and feeling so much hope and possibilities. This is what I'll be getting rather than walking on egg shells and waking up to a patient/baby. I tried, and I cannot have done any better. I'm glad I'm out and I DO NOT WANT BACK IN! NO MORE!

[nylonsquid]

Hi Host!   Long time!

I'm glad you're seeing things more objectively. The question is are you done with all this? I know it has taken me a while but here I am, completely through with it! Not fed up or angry, just... well... it isn't worth it.

I am not in a place where I am completely happy: job... friends... but I have saved myself and I have a better life awaiting me than the prison that I was in. I'm back into the world where I can find myself and fit into the world the way I'd like to. I am excited about it.

[lockedout]

You sound a lot like me. Only difference is I have to stay in touch because we have a child together - then there's the divorce ahead. I'm not rushing it because I want to have at least several months of documented time sharing beforehand; I'm anticipating accusations in the future. My last bit of jealousy was when I chased some guy in a Mustang out of my garage the day after she changed the locks on the house (I had mistakenly gone to the house to drop off our son, he used his own garage door opener and drove in right in front of me). That was after she condemned me over concerns I had over a single male friend who was coming to the house while I was at work and an incriminating e-mail I'd stumbled across from yet another guy. At the end of the day I could have cared less if she took off for a weekend tryst with any or all of these guys. Because it happened in our house is my justification for no possibility of reconciliation. I have no proof of anything physical happening, but the unapologetic invasion of my domain by all three of these characters is something that I can never forgive or forget.

I have made a lot of new friends since I've been out of the house and reconnected with old friends. I've been out on a couple of dates, though I'm not in a hurry and make it clear from the start that I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm running 4 1/2 miles and in better physical shape than I've ever been (other than having the flu this week). I'm going to church support groups. Doing better at work. I'm 28 years old and don't look a day over 28. People who saw me right after the split then didn't see me again for several weeks have said that they notice a change in me as soon as I walk in the room. I wish my finances were in better shape, but as long as she plays nice in the divorce I'll be ok in the long run.

"I'm excited to build. I have dated one girl but I am not ready to jump into a relationship. My freedom is too valuable for me to give up right now. I don't want to be involved. Things would just happen naturally and hopefully when I am building a good life for myself".

My thoughts exactly.

[almost789]

Hahaha... good for you Nylon Squid. I had the same problem. I love him alot, but I love me too and I'm not chaning me for him. Is that even possible? I wouldn't want to. If he doesn't like me the way I am what do I want with him then? He liked me fine before, now I have to change? Not. He wanted me 'happy', all the time. Sorry, I'm a human being and I am not happy all the time, especially when the person who made me so happy did a complete about face and changed into someone else who could care less about making me happy. What do I want with that anyway? It's hard coming to grips with losing what we had though.

[HostNoMore]

Yes, NS I am done with it.

I have the occasional browbeating session on myself for allowing it to happen, but I know I was tricked and vulnerable so it's OK

Today, I focus on growing my business. Now, that I do not have that albatross around my neck I can focus on what's right for me.  It takes time.  A long time, but we do eventually get there.  I am WAY better than this time last year,

I'm so happy that mine moved away that I can roam freely w/o worrying about running into her.