New to board. I wish I had found this at beginning of my roller coaster...

[RollerCoaster7]

So I am newly dumped by my BPD boyfriend "again". Yes that familiar action which I thought was my own private hell until I saw these boards. My boyfriend and I were together over 6 years. Living together for 5 of it. On and off of course. I have went from a strong, independant woman to tolerating behaviors I would have never thought imaginable. I have been slowly enveloped into his world. All while thinking he and we could get better. I have been lured back multiple times only to be led back to the place I sit now. That being said I still sit here with many questions, hurt, and anxiety.  My head says you are free... .  my heart says I miss him. I have moments of strength (the old me) and moments of weakness (the damaged "in love" me).

I will be around here frequently and I am more than open to all of your support. I start counseling on my own Friday. Even through the ups and downs, I am determined to not be lured back!

[healingmyheart]

rollercoaster7, glad you found us.  Counseling is essential I think in healing.  I've been going since my breakup and actually have an appointment tomorrow.  I can relate to becoming codependent and tolerating intolerable behaviors... .  never again.  This board is great because it helps to validate your feelings.  I miss what I had with my ex but I know I'll never have the honeymoon again... .  don't need the demonizing phase again though.  You will get there whereby the old you will resurface... .  be patient with yourself.  How long ago did you break up? 

[RollerCoaster7]

I will give you a little background. 2 years ago he cheated on me. We broke up. We had a couple times before where he had left for a few days and stayed at his local fire department needing space. the self esteem issues were horeendous and I just thought this was a man who needed some reassurance. When we had broke up then, I moved on. I eventually started dating again and BAM he was back., Reformed, he would go to counseling etc etc. Up until then he had never been formerly diagnosed with anything. After quite a few sessions and eventually bringing me in on them, we were working through the infidelity issue I thought. The counselor told him that he needed to look up BPD because he was displaying all the DSM for it and they would start to talk about that. We went home and did. OMG... .  there he was in black and white print. He quit going to counseling. Things when great and I of course thought the counselor was wrong. MY OWN DENIAL. Things started to go back to the routine. Constantly needing reassurance. His life was cursed. He didnt know what he wanted. Anger beyond necessity about trivial things. I had said a few times he needed to talk to someone. that was met with "SAME OLD ~". In the middle of january he accused me of infidelity. More low self esteem and reassurance. Then he moved his clothes out while I was at work. I picked up some pieces and started to occupy myself. I was getting the "see, you dont need me" texts from pics he would see on my FB. We started talking calmly and he said he didnt want things this way and we started seeing eachother again. This last few weeks was tons of ":)o you want to be with me. Are you attracted to me. You think I am fate" etc etc etc. Periods of "I have a bad feeling about us." "I am confused." and the ever repeted "I AM FRIED I CAN'T THINK" Last monday he said goodnight, I love you, I miss you. By Tuesday i was being ignored and he was "fried" again. He broke up with me this past Wednesday saying "I don't see a future for us. You deserve someone who knows what he wants. I will always love you" I do not try and contact him again. yesterday I get a "Just saying hi. How are you" text.  UGH UGH UGH

[RollerCoaster7]

There is obviously a lot more. I am just trying to sum up a little synapses.

[healingmyheart]

Let's see, affair (yep), jealousy in that he blames you of infidelity (yep), denial on his part (yep), constant reassurance to feed his hollow self who feels unloved (yep), rebounding back to you (yep), raging about trivial things (oh yeah)... .  same story as mine and so many others. 

I brought up with my ex just over a week ago and he sent me flowers and keeps texting me... .  I just don't respond anymore

[RollerCoaster7]

Weird thing. I don't know where "me" went in this. I still have periods of "what is he doing", "Is he going to text again"... .  then my head chimes back in. "Who cares and I hope the heck not."   I am fighting a battle between my head and my heart.  he use to always say "we keep circling back to here". Meaning him feeling like we have no furture, I don't love him, him needing to leave. He said i would never know what it was like to be always in fear of losing your home. I own the house. He moved in with me. I said "I kicked you out once when you were sleeping with someone else." His reply "It doesn't matter why. Try living with that fear. You need to get over the cheating. I owned up to it." i feeli like i have been taken advantage of and sucked dry. Oh... .  that is right. I was.

[healingmyheart]

Same thing with me!  My boyfriend sold all his furniture and moved in with me.  After the emotional affairs, lying and deceit, I kicked him out.  He complained that its not fair that my life goes on while he's homeless.  I warned him months prior that it was not ok for him and his ex girlfriend to deceive... .  he was warned yet he did it anymore.  I think he was shocked that a) I caught him and had evidence b) I wasn't passive anymore and actually kicked his butt out.  He tried to half heartedly admit to it "Yes I did it but you drove me to her because you would never let the issue die"... .  yep, my fault he had the affair.  I'm told I'm not being forgiving and I have a bitter heart.  Just he should of thought of all this before he had the affair... .  

I lost me too.  I know what you mean about the texts.  I got two today wanting to know if I wanted to go to spin class like everything is back to normal... .  weird.  I like/hate the texts at the same time.  It means he's still out there thinking of me I think... .  hoping I'll take him back in... .  I don't respond... .  too dangerous to go there and get sucked up again

[RollerCoaster7]

I am trying to get to the strict "no contact" mentality. I know in my head that is right but my heart feels like it is cutting off a part of me. In essence it is... .  a horrible cancerous part that needs cut out. That part of me wishes i had the light switch like him to shut it all off. You caught yours at his affair. I had no idea. He was crying and moody with me and then just blurted it out. His reasoning always has been "I don't know why I did it. I don't"   Then once when we were seperated he admitted to taking a girl out to the movies and they kissed. he said later that it made him realize how much he truly loved and missed me. What I do know in this is I have to figure out why in the world I let someone treat me like this. I have a good job... .  I have a house... .  I support myself. Yet somewhere I quit taking care of me because I was so consumed with him.

[healingmyheart]

Thats interesting that your boyfriend admitted the affair.  Mine denied it at all costs... .  even trying to deny it with evidence thrown in his face for over an hour. 

I know, I also have a house and am in a good place, why did I allow it to happen?  I even allowed him to live at my house for "free".  Pretty good deal buy yet he still felt a need to be disrespectful towards me.

[RollerCoaster7]

He admitted it. Then he swore he would do whatever it would take for me to trust me. He did fir a couple months. Then it was turned to "Nobody takes more accountability for things in my life but me." With that I was to never doubt him again.  I too gave him way too much. That is where I need to fix ME!

[healingmyheart]

I am told by close friends that I am too trusting, too giving, and too tolerate.  I think being with a BPD and taking his crap just exemplifies that to be true. 

[RollerCoaster7]

I am way giving to a fatal flaw as well. That is why I do what I do for a living. It was never equal. I always justified it as you don't give to receive. Well... .  it held up to that but not for the right reasons!   I am still fighting the NC rule. I texted him last night. Only to cry after. I am searching for validity that what we are was something. A validity I know I will never receive.

[RollerCoaster7]

What we were not are. Yep... .  probably still a subconscious thought there. I need to nap that in the butt.

[healingmyheart]

Don't know what you do for a living but I am a nurse and my counselor said people in caregiver type roles tend to get caught up in things like this.

[RollerCoaster7]

I am a Paramedic.  Maybe there is some truth to that. Our trying to "fix" them too. Who knows. Ijust know this is not easy and it should be. :-)