Threats and responding to them

[Elfie]

Another day in the life... .  the other day my brother (uBPD19) called and threatened to "do something desperate" if my parents didn't give him money (for food, ostensibly). I just learned about it today. My mom wants to keep good boundaries and not give in or reward his threats, but at the same time she doesn't want to ignore them. She was thinking about giving him a food card in return for something... .  as in, if he made an appointment to see a counselor. Does that sound like a reasonable response?

On a more positive note, my parents started attending a NAMI Family to Family class, and said it's been really good so far!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Elfie

I think it is great for your parents to be going to family to family classes... .  hopefully this will help the whole family and reduce the conflict. How are you coping? Do you think these classes might help you too?

I do think that a food card is a good idea but I would ask for something in return. How frightened your mom must be to get such a call. I can see how you won't want to give in to his threats... .  not sure I have a good suggestion... .  I do think it is important that he get help but if he is not willing to work on his problems it will be a waste. I personally feel like I have wasted a ton of money on therapy my dd15 didn't participate in... .  just going through the motions... .  

Does your brother admit he has a problem? He has a drug problem? right? I think keeping boundaries are important but only you parents can say what those boundaries are... .  

I am concerned about you and what you are doing to help yourself... .  

[Elfie]

Mrsjellibeans -I think it really is good that they're going to the class! They can't "make" my brother do therapy at this point, but at least they can try to help themselves as much as they can, so they can better help him and deal with everything. I'm sure the classes could be helpful to me, too, but at least I can discuss the material with my parents after classes, I think, and maybe take it next time around.

The call/threats from my brother are not unusual (it seems to happen about once every month). My parents pay for his apartment and his girlfriend has food stamps, and he and his girlfriend both have part time jobs (currently), so I have a hard time imagining where their money is going. All they really "need" to spend money on would be a little bit of food and gas, and a few personal items. So what are they blowing their money on - cigarettes? Drugs? Random stupid things? I'm so careful with money that it's especially frustrating for me to think about.

My brother will sometimes admit that he's depressed/sad/having problems, but not really in an "I should get help and do something about it" kind of way. He was prescribed antidepressants, but won't take them because they made him "feel weird" (I wonder if he sold them or something), and he won't go to therapy or try to get the prescription changed. I'm sure he's at least smoking pot, and I wouldn't at all be surprised if there were other things as well (I know he's tried several things in the past, but it's hard to know what he's up to at any given time period). I think you have a good point that forced therapy won't do much good. I guess he just has to come to a point where he admits that he needs to seek help?

[tapestry strings]

One other sideways "support" idea is to contact a larger church in your area, that may deal with community members (as well as church members) who have financial struggles.  I mention that because they usually have "a plan" in place.  A way of filtering needs... .  providing non-cash support... .  networking with other community resources.  AND they may be able to coach your parents thru answers they are comfortable with when your brother next calls "demanding" cash for an item he knows will be a heart catch for your parents (i.e. "food".

I'm going to throw several other brainstorms on the table, in case the "church" option doesn't work for your family.

a)  "tough love" - echoing back understanding that he is stressed, but providing no "answers"... .  simply validating that he's not happy that he's hit a brick wall financially.

b)  "referrals" - again, echoing back understanding that he is stressed, and letting him know that there are community resources for people who get in a tough spot once in a while, and don't have basic food to take care of their families.  Then let him know that if he feels like he gets to the point of needing that type of help, to let them know and they could pass along a phone number to him.  NOT making the call for him... .  but casually mentioning them passing along this phone number might be an option if/when he decides HE'S ready to make the call.

c)  "work" - still echoing back understanding that he is stressed.  As your brother states the impossibilities of the situation, your parents (if comfortable having him on the property) could offer to let him rake the yard the next day in exchange for a McDonald's gift card.  Some type of OUTDOOR work that would require some effort on his part, in exchange for a SMALL gift card amount ($10?).  Something to "help" get him by for one day.

d)  "charity" - keeping a small stash of (uncooked) rice and (uncooked) dry beans on hand.  Requiring no work for this free "gift", no repayment... .  he will just need to plan his own transportation to come pick up the rice & beans (uncooked!).  And kindly (!) let him know that anytime he is struggling to feed himself, they will be happy to supply him with another small package of rice and small package of beans to help him make it until payday.  This supply should last him a week. 

Hunger is real... .  AND my hunch is that your brother is simply using this as a heart-tug to manipulate your parents into providing cash.  If he's really hungry, ANY of the above ideas would fit the need.  If it's not a hunger-based request, he will scoff at their offer and hang up the phone.  But at least it gives your parents some "action items" that COULD be used, if they aren't comfortable simply saying "no".

A community based group may be able to give your parents additional counsel on how better to cope if demands increase, and they grow uncomfortable (from a safety staNPDoint) with your brother's demands.  None of this is easy.  Hugs to you for looking for help for your family.  You've found a great community here online. 

[Elfie]

Thanks, tapestrystrings - those are all great ideas for us to think over! Since my brother lives around 5 hours away currently, a few of the options (having him come over for food, having him work here for food) won't work now, although I think my parents have implemented those to some degree in the past. I think my mom has looked into different church and community resources in his area and alerted him about them, but I'll talk to her again about if he knows about things like that.

I think they really do have no food currently, and won't have money for food until the weekend... .  but they're the ones who got themselves into the situation... .  oh, the line between boundaries and grace!

[lbjnltx]

Hello  Elfie,

I think they really do have no food currently, and won't have money for food until the weekend... .  but they're the ones who got themselves into the situation... .  oh, the line between boundaries and grace!

The line between boundaris and grace... .  can be more like a gap that needs filling.

There are boundaries, validation and the gap.  What I found that fills that gap are validating questions that keep the problem where it belongs (with your brother) while being supported in problem solving (by your parents).

Do you know if your parents have read the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg?  It's a great buy online (used) and a treasure for parents.  This exact scenario is covered in the book along with the solutions that bring peace of mind knowing we are making the best choices for everyone involved.

lbjnltx