Success with Lamactil, but the horns still exist.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted. But here I am again.

The reason for the long delay between posts is because my wife started taking Lamactil to help balance her raging episodes and it actually has helped a lot. However the damage that was done from 3 years of emotional abuse and manipulation have really taken a toll on our relationship and financial situation. I work for myself and if I am wrecked from emotional beatings and threats it makes it hard to be successful in my job, which means less motivation and less income. There have been fewer raging episodes lately and I am finally able to start getting my career back on line.

So my wife is doing better, but she keeps telling me that I need to produce more and more income because she did not "sign up" to be married and work full time since she has an 11 year old daughter (not mine). Currently she works 3 - 10 hour days a week and gets great benefits but she could make so much more if she was doing massage therapy, her trained career.

Last night I sat down with her and laid out a financial plan that I think could work; I continue to build my practice and stay on track and she continues to do her current job but supplement it with a couple of massages on her days off. I explained that the "what I signed up for" argument has changed. It is a matter of survival not expectations. That is when she really freaked out at me and said I was trying to whore her out, she told me of all the clients she was going to ~, and that she hopes I like it because its what I am asking for. It was like Pandoras box was opened. I was trying to create a plan to get us debt free and successful, but she sees it as a threat?

I am at my wits end. I am drowning in her financial drain and she is still charging things to her credit cards. My name is not on any of them but still I am expected to help pay them off. She notified me two days ago that she is going to go bankrupt or do consumer credit counseling and is even going to pair up with her ex-husband who just went through it and can advise her on all the details. In the mean time she is going to do a bunch of cosmetic procedures like veneers, laser work, etc since they cannot take that away from her when she files.

Basically I see that I am a pawn in this game. I no longer have the funds to bail her out and pay my taxes, etc. She is bringing in her ex-husband who is super rich and pushing me to the side to save herself instead of doing a little more to get us both on track. I feel emasculated by this whole event and I am just fractured by it. I thought she was getting back on track and doing better, I guess the reality is that she only rages less.

By the way to anyone reading this, I wish I would have got out of this relationship sooner. It is so much harder when you stay. Just saying... .    Help!

[propunchingbag]

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted. But here I am again.

The reason for the long delay between posts is because my wife started taking Lamactil to help balance her raging episodes and it actually has helped a lot. However the damage that was done from 3 years of emotional abuse and manipulation have really taken a toll on our relationship and financial situation. I work for myself and if I am wrecked from emotional beatings and threats it makes it hard to be successful in my job, which means less motivation and less income. There have been fewer raging episodes lately and I am finally able to start getting my career back on line.

So my wife is doing better, but she keeps telling me that I need to produce more and more income because she did not "sign up" to be married and work full time since she has an 11 year old daughter (not mine). Currently she works 3 - 10 hour days a week and gets great benefits but she could make so much more if she was doing massage therapy, her trained career.

Last night I sat down with her and laid out a financial plan that I think could work; I continue to build my practice and stay on track and she continues to do her current job but supplement it with a couple of massages on her days off. I explained that the "what I signed up for" argument has changed. It is a matter of survival not expectations. That is when she really freaked out at me and said I was trying to whore her out, she told me of all the clients she was going to ~, and that she hopes I like it because its what I am asking for. It was like Pandoras box was opened. I was trying to create a plan to get us debt free and successful, but she sees it as a threat?

I am at my wits end. I am drowning in her financial drain and she is still charging things to her credit cards. My name is not on any of them but still I am expected to help pay them off. She notified me two days ago that she is going to go bankrupt or do consumer credit counseling and is even going to pair up with her ex-husband who just went through it and can advise her on all the details. In the mean time she is going to do a bunch of cosmetic procedures like veneers, laser work, etc since they cannot take that away from her when she files.

Basically I see that I am a pawn in this game. I no longer have the funds to bail her out and pay my taxes, etc. She is bringing in her ex-husband who is super rich and pushing me to the side to save herself instead of doing a little more to get us both on track. I feel emasculated by this whole event and I am just fractured by it. I thought she was getting back on track and doing better, I guess the reality is that she only rages less.

By the way to anyone reading this, I wish I would have got out of this relationship sooner. It is so much harder when you stay. Just saying... .    Help!

[OTH]

It sounds to me like you are making adult decisions and being responsible. Why do you feel emasculated?

She is being irresponsible and seeking out someone to take care of her poor financial position. She is acting like a child. You can't control her. You can only take responsibility for yourself and your decisions. You don't have to decide to be a punchingbag either. That is up to you. Have you thought about taking a firmer stance with her? Maybe she decides to end the relationship if you put your foot down but a least you can try to do the right thing for both you. If she isn't willing to take responsibility for her financial situation you shouldn't be left to pick up the pieces or to watch her flirt around with her ex husband. JMO

OTH

[propunchingbag]

It sounds to me like you are making adult decisions and being responsible. Why do you feel emasculated?

Because she always runs to her ex to get advice and support for her future. Plus she tells me that I am not good enough because I don't make enough money to support her.  It really sucks.

Of course I know this is not true. It just makes me feel so damn frustrated.

[OTH]

Her ex! Her previous failed relationship. This is your standard for a good relationship? Don't you need a better standard?

It sounds to me like you are making adult decisions and being responsible. Why do you feel emasculated?

Because she always runs to her ex to get advice and support for her future. Plus she tells me that I am not good enough because I don't make enough money to support her.  It really sucks.

Of course I know this is not true. It just makes me feel so damn frustrated.

[propunchingbag]

I don't use it as a standard by any means. I guess since she knows he is rich he must know what to do about money better than anyone. But by his track record I know this not to be true.

Ok, so I guess I misspoke. Emasculated is the wrong word. Overall I am upset about so many things in this relationship I don't know where they begin and end sometimes.

I wanted a adult as a partner and I received a spoiled child. It is a major bummer to me because I am attracted to her so much, but the business side of the relationship is a total failure. Add in copious amounts of metal and emotional abuse and I  am maxed out. 

[OTH]

I can understand your frustration. It sounds like she is going to behave irresponsibly and expect you to pick up the pieces afterwards. Is this fair? If she isn't going to be more responsible why not tell her you have to keep separate accounts and she will have to pay her own bills. You might want to warn her that if she rings up big bills right before filing bankruptcy she could be charged with fraud.

[hithere]

My ex BPD's binge spending was one of the deal-breakers for me... .  I am really sorry to hear you are struggling so much.  I really doubt her super-rich ex will bail her out or help her, he probably already learned his lesson.

I wish I had a good idea but from my experience they just never stop but at least she is doing her 30 hours a week, it could always be worse... .