Handling return anxiety.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now, after 3 weeks NC, I feel stronger but keep ruminating how will I handle if she contacts me again crying and pleading for help. I am not sure if I am still strong enough to ignore this call for help with her innumerable problems. I know to reconnect is really bad for me after understanding her BPD (100% certain) and the same dysfunctional dance will repeat. I know logically but my heart feels that I should support and help her solve the cause of her agony and pain. I feel like its my duty to a friend I loved so dearly. Any suggestions how to get this feeling out of my mind.?

[wanttoknowmore]

Now, after 3 weeks NC, I feel stronger but keep ruminating how will I handle if she contacts me again crying and pleading for help. I am not sure if I am still strong enough to ignore this call for help with her innumerable problems. I know to reconnect is really bad for me after understanding her BPD (100% certain) and the same dysfunctional dance will repeat. I know logically but my heart feels that I should support and help her solve the cause of her agony and pain. I feel like its my duty to a friend I loved so dearly. Any suggestions how to get this feeling out of my mind.?

[blecker]

Make a list of every reason you shouldn't and put in on your bathroom mirror.

Read it every time your in the loo and bring it with you when the phone rings.

Read it before you say HI.

[lockedout]

Felling sad about her situation is totally normal. When she does this you will and should feel some sadness. The hard part is building up the ability to detach from it. You've done everything you could to try to help her at great cost to you.

[laelle]

At some point and time you will have to choose you over her because she will always choose herself over you if she is BPD

I have been at the same place as you are.  Wanting him so much to contact me and at the same time my heart skips a beat thinking about it.

I would get anxiety attacks over it.

Her problems are not your problems, and you dont help her to help herself one bit by trying to fix her problems for her.  The most loving thing you could do for her is to refuse the fix but encourage her in helping herself.  Set your boundaries... . if she contacts you in a crisis what type of situation are you willing to help with and how far are you willing to go.

example

I will not give or lend money to anyone that i am not in a healthy relationship with.  I will give them any information that I am aware of that may help.  If this is not acceptable for that person, I will end the conversation.

I will not allow anyone to dump their emotional garbage on my doorstep.  I will allow them to tell me of their problems and I will thoughtfully listen as long as they respect this boundary.  If they can not respect it, I will end the conversation permanently or suggest talking at another time.

I will not allow anyone to rage at me.  If anyone rages at me, I will end the conversation permanently or tell them I will contact them later.

So with that game plan there is no reason for you to be afraid of her contacting you.  You know your boundaries and you stick with them.

There is alot less fear in confrontation when you know what your boundaries are and how to enforce them.

[lockedout]

I can give and example of what laelle is describing. I don't have the option of no contact. We have a 3 year old son together and we do 50/50 time sharing. It's the norm in my state unless there's something wrong with the parent that's detrimental to the child and she's shown no cause for us to do otherwise. We had been squabbling over the time sharing schedule for next month. She'd slam at me for "not giving her any say" in how it's made up and gets rather harsh when I set something up in a way she doesn't agree with. She wanted me to be the one making the schedule and I'm new to Google calendar. If I ask to switch days around, she quickly says no. Right in the middle of all this she asked if I could keep him overnight one night so she could go to a friend's house for dinner; I agreed but documented it. The next day I got an e-mail with a list of days she wanted to switch so she could go to the gym with a group of girls on Tuesday nights, also saying she's "not doing well emotionally, physically, or mentally not that you care". I went ahead and made the changes since they didn't throw the balance off but I made no comment on her remarks.

In this case, I received the negative message, then did something without complaint so she could help herself, but nothing beyond that although I do experience a level of sadness that she isn't doing well.

[laelle]

So your boundary with the calendar is... .

I am willing to change the calendar around for non scheduled times as long as it does not coincide with my plans.

Because he made this boundary, he does not have to feel bitter when she tries to change it or guilt when does not agree to her demands.

He does not have to worry about what will happen when she asks for a day not scheduled because he already has his plan made.

He knows how he will respond.  I imagine he keeps notes for when she says "you never let me have them when I want them"  

These are tools by the way that help you not just your BPDex but in your everyday life.  It helps you to reinforce your values and beliefs.  What you will accept for yourself and what you wont.  It helps control bitterness while relieving you of guilt.

[lockedout]

I'll do just about anything she wants as long as I don't already have plans that can't be altered or she doesn't do it under the pretense of blaming or trying to guilt me into the change. Trying to reason with her in any direction... . we all know that gets us nowhere but more pissed off and depressed. If she's requesting the change to better herself mentally, physically, or emotionally, I'm all for it. Hell, I'll cancel my plans so she can go on a date; let her meet someone else and take the focus off me. It sucks that she says no to everything I ask for but if we end up going to court at divorce time a judge won't be impressed just because I won a pissing contest. They look at who did what to mitigate conflict between two parents.

You're dead - on about the documentation. Every remark is mentioned and attached to a date. She has her own e-mail folder and her own word document. I have evidence to contradict every accusation she may come up with if things escalate that far.

[maria1]

Wanttoknowmore

You trigger her. Try and keep in mind that when she comes back. Try and keep in mind that as much as she sees you as the answer to all her problems that is the disorder talking and you are really feeding her disordered needs by maintaining contact.

If you feel you would rather go LC then that may be the way forward for you. NC isn't for everybody.

I did this LC with my ex and it was an easier way for us both to detach. But you need to be clear that your goal is detaching and that you aren't hoping for something else from the contact. It is very easy to get sucked in to the emotional vortex and before you know it you are spinning.

I was absolutely certain that I would never go back into a relationship with him again and I had already had almost 3 months of NC. I recently (2 months ago) went NC again though because I didn't have the energy to deal with the game play any more.

Give yourself time 

[wanttoknowmore]

Maria,

I know logically that is right what you say but I am having hard time controlling my feelings. I was able to keep 10 day NC but today (Easter day)

I woke up so weak and broke NC and started texting, she didnot answer, my feelings got intensified, anger,rejection,hurt and sadness all came back...

right now,she is showing herself busy and happy on her FB as she has no problem but by past experience I know, the minute she has a serious crisis with her health her family or her children, she will not hesitate to reach me.

She knows well that she has become my weakness and I will not be able to ignore her pleas for support. I feel strong for a few days and then one day overwhelming emotions return. This is bizzare ... I never felt so weak in my entire life... so controlled by another person.  The memories of intense happy moments spent together surge at times. I cant believe she can easily forget those moments... she was very very happy then... pictures and videos are the proof.

[lockedout]

Do yourself a favor and do it now: UNFRIEND her. Don't even reply to me or get up from your computer until you've opened up another window, logged into Facebook and eliminated her from your friend's list. Then delete your browsing history. Then unfriend any other common "friends" that are in close contact with her; ie they'd either tag her in photos or let her log into your account to see what you have going on. It's nothing personal. I did that with one of "our" friends and two of her cousins who are like sisters and I have nothing against and never gave it a second thought.

You are torturing yourself by looking at that crap. It's taking one negative emotion and compounding numerous other negative emotions on top of it. They aren't you. They aren't real. She wasn't real.  They are just your thoughts. And don't answer your phone the next time she calls. Let her leave messages and delte before listening.

Next, move onto the "detaching" section of the forum.

[maria1]

This might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120426.0

There is a choice to be made in detaching but that's not to say it isn't hard. When I was tempted to contact (and I was; it felt like a physical need at times) I remembered somebody on here telling me to 'sit on my hands'. I did something physical, usually walking, until the moment passed. You really aren't doing either of you any favours right now.

Time will help but you need to resist temptation.