Hurt Again

[Aussie mumma]

Hi again

It's been a while since I posted anything... I thought dd was improving slightly... she seemed to be coping but we still had the sarcastic/hurtfull comments... these I can handle... but this latest drama... WOW... ok she's never been good with money... paying bills... which she leaves in a pile unopened... until there is a stack of them... the latest is she's being sued for 20.000 she borrowed 12,000 for furniture... which has escalated to 20,000... her ex was supposed to have sorted and paid this debt but obviously didnt tell my dd... we don't have that amount of money... so I don't know where this episode will end... .  but I foolishly thought she was getting  a little better...  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello aussiemom 

Good to see you here and sorry it is not to post better news about your d.

Question?

In the divorce decree (assuming there is one), is that debt his responsibility?  If so, keep the responsibility where it belongs... .  with him.

If the debt is your d's to pay then how can you support her in taking care of HER responsiblity?  Would you making the payments be helpfull to her really?

Going through the process can be painful for everyone... .  what skills do you have to call on to help you get through this without becoming emotionally dysregulated yourself?

[peaceplease]

aussie momma,

Perhaps, you can direct her to consumer credit for financial counseling.  Make sure it is a non-profit one.  There are many that promise to get you out of debt, but charge a huge amount.

[Aussie mumma]

 lbjnltx  

The debt dd incurred was her's not the ex's... .  they had parted when she borrowed the money... when the repayments weren't made and it became a sizeable amount... the ex said he'd speak to the revelent people... .  he got the debt cut considerably... with the proviso it would be paid asap... the ex said he would finalise the debt... and dd would be okay... I might add dd was in her heavily drinking years... she has made an appointment to see someone whop can sort out her finances...

she still feels she isn't responsible for the debt and blames the ex... .  as he didn't pay it out like he said he would.

Will take on board what you said... many thanks 

[vivekananda]

Hi there,

It is sad for you to find out things like this when you thought it was going ok. You must feel frustrated.

When it comes to finances with our adult children, it is important to be clear in our minds what are the differences between supporting our children and enabling them. Also it helps of we understand that our boundaries are based on our values and it is they that can help protect ourselves and our children.

If we are clear in our minds regarding these things, then I believe, we can make wise decisions regarding how we can support our children.

My dh and I have come to understand that getting our own dd out of financial difficulties wasn't helping her at all. We haven't refused to help her, we have just set some boundaries and we want to see receipts or invoices, she has now stopped asking for financial help. She doesn't want us to know what she spends her money on... .  

take care aussie mum,

Vivek