He stood me up

[daze]

My uBPDh from whom I am separated but still in r/s was supposed to finish up a few things and come over and hang out.  It sounded like he was drinking last time we talked so maybe he passed out.  He's an alcoholic.  This makes me feel like crap.

Oh he called.  He fell "asleep."  He said sorry for falling asleep, oops.  He didn't mean to hurt my feelings.  He's had a long couple of weeks with work, weather, stuff like that.  He didn't plan to fall asleep.

Saw T today and I debated out loud with myself if am enabling my H's drinking by continuing the r/s though my boundary is that he doesn't drink at my house or when we go out. And I think he will need to quit drinking for the r/s to continue long term with cohabitation and whatnot.  T agrees that I don't have to make a decision now and that I will know.

[Vindi]

hi, its true he needs to willingly want to stop his drinking, then you have to accept or not accept if he does or doesn't. You need to set firm boundaries and also decide if you want him drinking. This is a tough on cuz he needs to stop this on his own, and it may take years for him to do it. You have to ask yourself what you are willing to accept.

[daze]

The good thing is that the situation didn't degenerate into an argument.

Yes, it is his decision to keep drinking or quit.

I think my question for myself from T is this: am I enabling his drinking by remaining in a relationship with him?  As it stands now, he is able to have the r/s (though we do not live together) and the alcohol.

I have accepted that he is an alcoholic and that he is drinking in his own home.

[blecker]

The greatest gift you can give any active alcoholic is nothing.

If he finds sobriety, he will thank you for it.

[daze]

The greatest gift you can give any active alcoholic is nothing.

If he finds sobriety, he will thank you for it.

I wish it were that easy for me.

[Somewhere]

daze!

Get Your Behind to Alanon.  If not tonight, tomorrow.

Best thing that I have had going for us.

Got the SUPER endorsement for it last week -- My Super-Uber-Codependent Mother-In-Law -- when I was not going to step into the (then) newest drama round, regarding Mrs. Somewhere -- started yelling at me (never done That Before) -- "I Hate Your Alanon!  I Hate Your Alanon!"

I could only smile kindly and under my breath -- say Thank You, God, Thank You, God.

[daze]

Hey Somewhere,

I've been attending meetings as recommended by my T. It was too late friday night and i had plans on Saturday so this evening it is. They've helped me a lot. This is actually an improvement over how I used to feel and behave when something like this would happen... .  

Good for you for not getting sucked into the drama with Mrs. Somewhere and the MIL!  Wonderful! Keep it up.

What kind of boundaries have you implemented? Have you dealt with extinction bursts?  Just curious - like to compare notes!

Daze