It never ends

[Aussie mumma]

Just when I was beginning to let my guard down with dd wBPD, all hell breaks loose... last week it was very heavy debts mounting up... this was solved by dd seeing a financial adviser... who has recommended she declares bankruptcy... dd was happy with this outcome. Monday= she asked to speak to me... as she had some news I wouldn't like... don't mind saying... at that comment... I was thinking all sorts of things... the news was... .  tactical police are watching us... dh,myself,grand-daughter, herself and her boyfriend... his wife & family... great hey! I replied I knew  ... as they have sat out the front of our house... she came to where I work... and passed on her next big news ... .  she wanted to speak to bf's wife and tell her about the affair... her reasoning being it would sound better coming from her than the police... needless to say... I didn't take this news to well... I embrassed myself by crying and needed to go outside to compose myself.

Sometimes these happenings seem surreal ... but I'm learning this is life with an adult BPD child

thats my whine for this week

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

HI AM:  I am sorry to sound stupid but what is tactical police and why are they watching you.  This must be so much pressure for you.  I have had many a days where I had to leave my office to go outside and have a good cry.  Sometime we just need this.

I will keep you in my thoughts as always,

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Oh my!

Are you alright?

Griz asks some good questions... .  why are tactical police involved in your d's/bfriends lives?

[Aussie mumma]

the tactical police are after dd's bf... who's known to them as a drug dealer... they tried to arrest him before

but he had someone else to take the blame for him... .  they are trying again... seriously I hope/pray they succeed this time... they are watching us and anyone my dd associate's with... until they realise we have nothing to do with any thing he's associated with...

I actually said to dd that there is a chance she could go down with him and his wife... her reply "no that will never happen... as I don't know anything" Naive hey!

griz... thank you... .  yes I do plenty of crying... it can be good therapy.

lbjnltx... I'm okay... thank you... I did didn't go into work today... needed some quite time

thanks for your replies... sometimes I think I'd go crazy... if I couldn't let off steam...

[griz]

AM:  Just wanted you to know how not alone you are.  Today I was sitting at my desk and I guess I was thinking about everything that has been going on in my life.  DD's issues, my older daughter has not been well and is having surgery for the second time this monday (not terribly serious but surgery just the same), my dh has been living in his own depression for the past two years with losing his business and my parents have become my two new children.  I was actually trying to figure out how I was going to be able to pay the $270 per week for DD's DBT therapy when all of a sudden I just became completely overwhelmed by life.  The tears started flowing and even though they were silent I couldn't stop them.  My boss happened to come out of his office to ask me something and saw my face and asked if I was OK.  I just looked at him and said, at this very moment I am feeling quite overwhelmed so I think I will have a little cry and then I will be fine and BTW noone is invited to my pity party it is just for me.  He said Ok and went back in his office and called me a few minutes later and asked me if he could tell me something funny and I told him not until after my party.  A few minutes later I dried my eyes and went into his office and told him my party was over and if he had anything funny to say now would be fine.  First he joked and said "well now I'm not telling you" and then he said the most wonderful thing... .  he said, "I just want you to know that it is okay to cry" and he is right AM.  It is okay for us to cry, to fall apart and meltdown because in the end we always get back up and fight. And it is also okay for us to let off steam and be angry.  I am not sure about anyone else but I have been strong for so long that I don't even give myself permission to have these feelings anymore.

Griz

[MammaMia]

Griz

We have all been there... .  too much to deal with and no one to take care of us but us.  Crying is a normal response to frustration and we all need to do it once in a whole.  Sometimes I cry and I am not even sure why: often do it in the bathtub... .  the only place I can be alone!

To be resilient is a blessing, but to accept that we need a few minutes every now and then to release pent-up anger and sorrow is absolutely necessary.   We do not have to explain or need anyone's permission... .  just do it. 

I hope you are feeling better.  Take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, or just get some extra sleep.  It all helps... .  and tomorrow is a new day... .  remember that. 

Take care.

[Aussie mumma]

griz

You have so much happening in your family... thank you for thinking of my issues... I think as mum's we naturally feel we can help our children with whatever ails them... and its hard to witness the mishaps they endure due to wrong decisions... realising we can't do a thing to help them... dd visited this afternoon relaying the latest news... the bf said the police have nothing on him-therefore they can't be watching him... has to be someone else... HAHA... it's been told to me on numerous occassions they are watching him.

When I feel overwhelmed... I prefer to hibernate in my house for a few days... reading... sewing etc

We will get through the tough times as always.

Take care all of you

[Reality]

To my dear friends,

It touches me to read this thread, the honest expression of your lives.  I wake up in the morning and I often come here to see how everyone is doing. Even though our pwBPD has left physically,  in my heart and soul and mind, he is my son.  Your writing makes me feel less alone.  Thank you for accepting me still.  I am a bit of a misfit here, yet you accept me.  Thank you.

Walking my three miles up and down hills every day, eating very carefully and sleeping with the help of Benadryl provides my physical self with enough strength to hold the overwhelming physical pain of grief. Some days I am bent over as I walk, as my body can't always hold all the grief.  Some days the tears are streaming down my face as I walk.  I had to decide if I was going to take care of my body, no matter what. So I walk, come h... .  or high water.

Looking back, I cannot believe how extraordinarily difficult it was caring for my wonderful son.  It is what it is.

I heard Jeannette Walls speak the other evening.  She talked about people who have more difficult lives, as she did growing up.  She says it brings special gifts.  I understand what she means; however, I would rather have an everyday life.  Alas,  not meant to be... .  

You are all truly exceptional people, dealing with unusually difficult situations.  My father used to tell me, "Tighten your belt.  Hold high the sword."  So I do.  You all do, as well.  Well done, my friends.

Reality

[MammaMia]

Reality

Every one of us can relate to what you have been through.  We live in constant fear of losing our BPD loved one(s).  It never goes away.

My heart breaks for you.  I pray for comfort and peace and hope that someday you will be able to let the terrible pain go and realize your wonderful son is still with you.  He has found peace, now you need to do the same.  That is so easy to say and so hard to do.  The loss of a child can never be rationalized.  It is a wound that never fully heals, but we must try. 

I hope you talk to your son every day. It is my belief that love never ends and he will hear you.

May the good Lord watch over you both and surround you with love.     

[Reality]

Dear MammaMia,

It isn't a matter of letting the pain go.  The pain is the grief, expressing itself physically.  Just as our bodies are changed when we have children, so the body is affected when one loses a child of one's womb.  The pain is not self-induced.  Grief is not depression.  It comes, it is felt and when the work is done, it takes its leave.  Truly like a wave.  If anything, grief is so physical, it mimics the flu.  First, the nausea, then the outpouring of cries and tears.  I am writing only to put my last post in perspective.

Actually, I doubt if anyone can relate to what I am experiencing, unless there has been a loss of one's child.  Losing a parent isn't the same phenomena.  Not feeling sorry for myself, just relaying the information. 

The intensity of the grief and my ability to function well makes me realize with a brand-new understanding the unfathomable depth of pain that my son experienced. 

Believe it or not, the peace is always there.

I thank you for your kindness, MammaMia.  I am fine, just grieving. 

I really just wanted to focus on how much I appreciate everyone's honest expression of how they feel.

Reality

[jellibeans]

Reality

You make a very interesting point about grief... .  I do think people look at it like depression but you are right it is very different. Grief is not something that is measured... .  there is not a point where you say "okay I am done now grieving" I think it is a very personal journey... .  I think all of us here acknowledge that... .  we fear that everyday that we will be next to grieve the loss of a child... .  we are with you... .  standing right beside you... .  sending lots of love your way  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Reality:

I do not pretend to know the grief you must feel but as I read your words I can actually feel my heart hurting for you.  You did so much for your beautiful Will and he was very lucky to have a mom like you and you still continue to do so.  I remember the first time I came to this board and wrote something you were the first one who responded to me and have continued to support all of us not only during your time of dealing with BPD but even after.  You are so wise and you often put things in such perspective.

My older daughter was going through a very horrible experience a few weeks ago.  She was uncontrolably crying and my dh and I could not really fix her pain but I realized afterwards how much my DD has taught me.  I was calm, I was able to validate her pain, I was able to ask her what would you like me to do to help.  At one point she looked at me and said thank you mom for being here.  What do people do when they don't have someone to be with them. 

I am sad alot and yes I would love to just have a regular old boring life but I also try to think of some of the good things that this has brought me.  It has brought me friends like you. People I know who will never judge me.  People who will be there just to say it is okay when I am falling apart.  It has also taught me to be more empathetic. To not judge others. To try to  help anyone I can even if it just a kind word or a smile.  I have this standing joke that I always used to say to people I know when they did something less than perfect and it was... "see you in pergatory".  Growing up this was the big fear that my mother instilled in me, that I was going to spend eternity in pergatory.  Now I have a different idea, I think when it is all said and done I like to believe that we will all be together.  A special place just for us, together with our wonderful children where there will be peace.

I wish us all peace tonight. 

Griz

[qcarolr]

First he joked and said "well now I'm not telling you" and then he said the most wonderful thing... .  he said, "I just want you to know that it is okay to cry" and he is right AM.  It is okay for us to cry, to fall apart and meltdown because in the end we always get back up and fight. And it is also okay for us to let off steam and be angry.  I am not sure about anyone else but I have been strong for so long that I don't even give myself permission to have these feelings anymore.

Griz - this says so much for me - the bold part. Sometimes I am just exhausted in every way. Cling to my 'running away fantasy'. Have to be cautious when gd is around speaking this outloud. I have this strong need to 'be taken care of' right now. Want my grandma to come take care of me - feed me good food, tuck me in at night, tell me everything will be OK.  And I am so tired of crying - having a hard time being strong right now.

As I was writing the, you posted again. I really needed to hear all the good things that come from living our lives - all parts of it. And I so agree - it is outside my belief ability to picture anyone being left behind when we all depart this life. There has to be enough love beyond our understanding to encompass us all - I feel this in the depths of my soul.

A peaceful life - that is my dream. And I do experience it in many many moments. Thanks for reminding me.

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Reality

I believe depression and grief are two distinctly different emotions that become intertwined.  :)epression eventually

subsides but the hole in your soul left by grief may never go away, because you have lost a part of yourself.  

Grief counseling provides care to the grieving with respect and sensitivity while preserving and fostering the love you have for your son and his memory.  

Maybe you have already considered or done this.  Just a thought.

[Aussie mumma]

to you who posted on this thread.

As I read the posts on here... I can't help but realise... others are experiencing a lot more heartache than myself.

Reality... my heart aches for you... you have endured the worst any mother could... I hope with time... no that will sound cliche'... I will rephrase what I was going to say... as a mother... are we expected to recover from such a tragedy as you experienced... you have your wonderful memories... I wish you peace... love...