ok, I have been thinking again. I have heard nothing from my dd, so I am just waiting. I noticed a course on meditation available that looked as if it was based on 'mindfulness' so I thought to see if dd would accept that as a gift... . we'll see... .
So in the absence of contact, my own search for answers continues. I was away, without dh for a wonderful weekend of folk music at a festival. A perfect place for some reflection. I thought about how I started to use
validation on strangers to get the gist of it. I thought how hard it was to concentrate on what the emotion was in what someone was saying.
Here on the boards, when I posted a response, I would write what I wanted to say, then go back to the start and write in validating stuff. At least when I remembered to do it. My aim has been to make
validation a default response in conversation. I thought of those people in life I had encountered and what it was I really liked about them. Those wondeful wise people who could make me feel so good, I understood that these were people who knew how to validate and who spoke to my heart. I wanted to emulate them.
I have improved I am pleased to report. I am able to just be validating with my dd - when I can speak with her. Then, I realised that once I would have to go back to the beginning of my reply to someone and put in a validating comment, now I can do it at the start! I feel that I am on the way to using
validation as a default response. But I also met up with a long time friend at this festival. All the buttons that she used to push were working again. I was well able to recognise those little triggers and avoid them, but I could have been more validating I know. So, I still have a way to go eh?
Unlike many of you I don't have a young family to care for, crises to confront or grandchildren breaking my heart. In spite of all your own emotional crises, the tiredness and financial strain you have to manage, I hope you too can find some peace of mind to address the changes that you need to make to improve your relationship with your loved one with BPD. There is a place which is easier, I hope you can walk that way too.
Vivek
