I read another book - not about BPD, but it has helped me meet some needs I did not know I had. About my fears of being vulnerable - about diving into my feelings of unworthiness that some from a sense of shame. Brene Brown used these words in her book ":)aring Greatly" - leaned into it. And I did not understand what they meant. After tonight I think there is a glimmer of understaning.
DD came upstairs tonight and I was not expecting her distress. She had asked me for help with a job site she had 2 replies to and could not get logged in to respond. I "forget". Maybe I really did get distracted, or maybe I just did not want to feel the heat of not being able to help her - or she would ask for my help then not let me help her. That push-pull of BPD. Coming from her NLD.
So I sat beside her on the sofa - not across the room - and breathed while she worked into blaming me, curses. I tried to not react. Dh and gd kept trying to shut us both down in our intensity of the 'conversation'. I told them we needed to be loud before we could be quiet and to let us be -- they needed to tolerate the noise for a bit. Things would be OK. I know they were coming from their own fear place - fear for my safety and fear for their own. Our bodies and brains do this for us - fight/flight or freeze. Dh and gd were in fight mode.
An aside - my telling them to stay out of it ended up triggering DD's distress about our custody - my being able to ask gd to stop instead of her doing this. This came as she left the room. But first, the awesome good stuff that came out of our distress, and my leaning into it - letting go of my fear and staying engaged.
I posted somewhere before my "to say" list after the big blow up last week? week before? that led me to leave the house two days in a row and ask her to move out -- there is nowhere for her to go. So I think I covered much of this list tonight in our conversation - very loud and filled with pain - yet it was a two-way dialogue.
DD found a website where you post your profile to be a 'personal carer'. She got a reponse from someone needing help in their house and another needing a dog walker. She could for sure do the dog care, and maybe she could do the home care even though not good at this in our space. I think she has done this in bf's apts. before. She got a message on her smartphone that linked to the website to find response info. She forgot her password so could not login. So she created a new login, and these jobs were not on there. And now the jobs are no longer posted so they hired someone else. So she is blaming me for this since I did not help her yesterday.
I shared that this has happened to me - that this was a technology problem not a personal failure of either of us. I also shared some examples from my life of technology frustrations. And when I was trying to get to a contact or help screen to search out how to fix this, I touched the wrong button on-screen and logged her out instead.
This digressed to blaming me for similar mess up when she asked for help from me her whole life. How I made it worse. How whenever I talked to someone in her life (even when she asked me to) that she could tell when they talked to her I had melted down with them. And this is true - I get stressed, get intense emotions, talk faster and louder and sometimes get tearful. I don't usually out and out cry anymore. And this has been an issue for me her entire life - with doctors, with school meetings (esp. IEP meetings - I even hired advocates to go and speak on her behalf instead of me) and now with her case managers.
I think she has a good point - I turn it into what my needs are instead of what her needs are. And my needs are sincere, and suddenly it is about helping me instead of about helping her - even when I ask them to not let this happen at the beginning of a meeting! So I acknowledged this was true, and I was sorry and did the best I knew how.
So she wants a job so she can move to her own place. I am thinking this is motivated by the boundary struggle that led to the meltdown that led to asking her to move out (she left for a few days and couch surfed). SHE IS MOTIVATED!
I told her I had done all I knew how to help her with these two things. She needed the help of someone that was in the system - I do not know the 'rules'. Most of these organizations (esp. housing assistance) are funded with federal money and have rules that limit her access for a couple more years due to her misdemeanor record. She can overcome the denial if she is working with a case manager at mental health that knows her and can help her appeal. I cannot do this with her - she has been denied 2 times so gives up when her name gets to the top of the list.
So I said, you need to make an appt to work with a housing counselor to check the status of your name on all the various waiting lists - city, county, etc.
I asked her if she had seen the big posters in the waiting room at mental health about some kind of jobs program. "no, I am not there much". So I was there with gd yesterday, and asked her if I could get information for her and make an appt. with someone about it.
I promised to drive her and help in anyway possible. And reminded her she had signed the release this morning to let me do these appts. -- she said what release? I think she just signed to get me off her bac without reading - she was cheery when she did it in the morning. Reminded her it was only to help with housing, jobs, appts. - not anything to do with doctors or therapists.
So that is the plan - I will go to pick up her med refill tomorrow, give the releases to her case manager (one for me, one for the SSI appeal lawyer), and make the necessary appts. for housing and jobs help.
She left the room crying instead of yelling. Seems weird to feel this way, but it is awesome that she is feeling her feelings tonight. Then her bfG called. Then she joined us to watch TV before I put gd to bed -- instead of hibernating in her room alone like usual.
So we were both very brave, vulnerable and got our needs met. To give love, and get a little back. Priceless.
Prayers are getting answered - just have to wait on God as he is the only one knowing the plan. Geez, how I want to be in control. That just doesn't work. I have to let go of my worries and trust that I will be cared for, my family will be cared for.
qcr
