Sit in the corner being kicked or stand up and 'kick' back?

[VeryFree]

As you can read elsewhere my stbxBPDw has accused me falsely about physical abuse. She claims I have hit her several times and to prove that she has a letter from the hospital that she has certain wounds.

I know I didn’t do the things she claims and have to assume she has selfinflicted the damage. A scary thing, because if she can do that, what is the next step?

I think her behaviour has two main goals: to get to me (revenge?) and to win as much sympathy as possible in court to drain me financially.

The case against me will be dismissed without a doubt, because there isn’t any prove, but she has has reached her goals: emotionally I’ve broken down a bit further and she has labeled me as an ‘possible violent men’, while she is a ‘possible victim.

I have some prove of her being agressive towards me. What do you think? Should I use this and press charges or will my life after that be an even bigger hell?

A bigger hell in two meanings:

-   Her hate will probably become even bigger and how will that evolve in actions?

-   I know she is sick. Can I live with myself if she’s punished for behavior, that’s coming from her illness?

[catnap]

While she is mentally ill, she does know right from wrong. 

A very good resource is Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist. 

[VeryFree]

While she is mentally ill, she does know right from wrong. 

A very good resource is Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist. 

Thanks for that link. I read the book and indeed: it's a help. I will post a review in that topic about it later this week.

[VeryFree]

While she is mentally ill, she does know right from wrong. 

Is this true?

Does she really know that what she is falsely accusing me of isn't true?

Or has she made up a story and believes it's true?

An innocent thing happened often: her believing the truth to be different.

For example: speaking about a flower we just saw, she could say it was red, while I knew it was yellow. Normally I would suggest we check it out and look at it again. Once she agreed. And it was yellow like I said. From then on she said she ment another flower... .

The last one is a lie (she ment another flower), but is the first one (the color)? Or did she really believe that it was red? 

[whirlpoollife]

The last one is a lie (she ment another flower), but is the first one (the color)? Or did she really believe that it was red?  [/quote]
My x2b would do the same thing. My children d12 and s14 are now doing it. I have to constantly make them aware of it.  x2b was never wrong and would manipulate my thinking to cover up his actions.

[AnotherPhoenix]

The last one is a lie (she ment another flower), but is the first one (the color)? Or did she really believe that it was red?  

My x2b would do the same thing. My children d12 and s14 are now doing it. I have to constantly make them aware of it.  x2b was never wrong and would manipulate my thinking to cover up his actions.

 

Unfortunately, it is very true that they will remember differently. And, it seems to be true, at least with my ex, that over time, she will begin to believe the stories she uses to cover things up.

As Catnap says, BPDs do know right from wrong! That causes many additional problems for many BPDs because it is very difficult for them to tolerate being wrong.

This happens with many persons with BPD. It does with my ex. She will remember differently. I understand that. Nobody has perfect memories, we are all forgetful, etc. I do think there are times she mis-remembers on purpose. But I don't know when its purposeful. I don't waste my time trying to figure out if it was on purpose or not. I think it helps with dealing with my ex to respectfully disagree.

My ex misremember a lot, tho.   That's why I record every time I see her in person and save all her emails.

When I do something to "check", as you suggested by going back and looking at the flower again, my ex does like your BPD, will say something so that she still isn't wrong, like she meant something different. I agree, that is lying to cover it up... I know, why lie to cover up that? But, many BPDs, my wife included, and probably many NPDs, have a very hard time tolerating being wrong. So, they usually lie to cover it up. That's why arguing, or, with my ex, just discussing things, doesn't work well. She'll just jump from item to item, trying to show that she's write or not wrong. I've stopped arguing with her. I'll listen to her point of view, then tell her my point of view, then stop there.

The thing is, as whirlpool life says, this lieing to shift blame or cover up can easily affect their children. My S8 has gotten it from my BPDex. I have to constantly work with him on that. He's gotten better, but its still a big habit.

AnotherPheonix 

[ForeverDad]

As you can read elsewhere my stbxBPDw has accused me falsely about physical abuse... .   I think her behaviour has two main goals: to get to me (revenge?) and to win as much sympathy as possible in court to drain me financially.

Yes this is very likely.  She wants to retaliate and make you pay and pay and pay... .  

The case against me will be dismissed without a doubt, because there isn’t any proof, but she has has reached her goals: emotionally I’ve broken down a bit further and she has labeled me as an ‘possible violent men’, while she is a ‘possible victim.

Don't be so sure it will be dismissed.  Truth and right don't always prevail in our courts.  There are many ways you could lose the case, not the least being that sometimes all it takes is for a woman to claim she is 'fearful'.  Read Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

You need a lawyer to protect your interests.  Have you hired one?  Be sure to save all proof you have of her misbehaviors.  Also, if her complaints are vague and undated, it's likely they'll be seen as hearsay and not admissable.  If she does produce dates, perhaps you can prove you were elsewhere.  On the other hand, judges have a lot of discretion in their decisions and the judge may decide to grant her protection "just in case".

I have some proof of her being aggressive towards me. What do you think? Should I use this and press charges or will my life after that be an even bigger hell?

Yes, defend yourself well.  What you do or don't do will likely not change how she sees you.  Currently you're Mr Evil Personified.  She is attacking you.  Defend yourself.

As an illustration... .   Imagine you're being mauled by a tiger and someone nearby tells you how to get away to safety, would you answer, "No, I'll stay here, I don't want to upset the tiger"?

A bigger hell in two meanings:

-   Her hate will probably become even bigger and how will that evolve in actions?

-   I know she is sick. Can I live with myself if she’s punished for behavior, that’s coming from her illness?

She is not a child, she is an adult.  An adult is expected to be a responsible person and ought to suffer deserved consequences.  How else will she learn there are limits?  (Frankly, she will likely never learn but if you don't protect yourself she'll keep ripping you to shreds.)

Needless to say, the marriage is OVER.  There is no hope left.  Don't think for even a moment that some day you can get back together again.  You can't risk a repeat.

Stop worrying about her and worry about your own future which she has singlehandedly put at severe risk!  Something we often say here, The misbehaving spouse seldom has consequences and the behaving spouse never gets credit.  Ponder that.  It is so true.  Taking the high road, saying nothing to defend yourself or reveal who is really the one misbehaving and being the silent noble one will sink you.

You've been together for a decade but how long have you been married?  Most states, I believe, count only the length of marriage.  Depending on your state, you may have to split all assets and debts (except inheritances), possibly only since the marriage.  A 10 year marriage might get up to 5 years of alimony support.

Frankly, an experienced family law attorney will tell you she can scream all she wants, demand all she wants and stomp her feet all she wants but the the financial aspects are basically straightforward and go mostly by formulas.

What to do now?  Make sure you have an assertive experienced lawyer similar to the type described in Splitting.  Stay far away from her, not even contacting her by phone, email, text or whatever.  Proceed with the divorce.  Keep it strictly business.

Review with your lawyer whether you should continue paying all her expenses.  At least some expenses you may have to continue paying during the divorce, but don't be generous thinking the court will like you better.  As I wrote above, your good behavior is necessary but still not likely to get you much credit.

[VeryFree]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thanks for your advice!

Don't be so sure it will be dismissed.  Truth and right don't always prevail in our courts.  There are many ways you could lose the case, not the least being that sometimes all it takes is for a woman to claim she is 'fearful'.  Read Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I try to keep a little faith in our courts. The lack of proof, the things that the police have seen and heard should be enough. If not: I will see then.

You need a lawyer to protect your interests.  Have you hired one?  Be sure to save all proof you have of her misbehaviors. 

I have a lawyer and keep all the proof I have safe in different places.

Yes, defend yourself well.  What you do or don't do will likely not change how she sees you.  Currently you're Mr Evil Personified.  She is attacking you.  Defend yourself.

I will talk about that with my lawyer. Probably attacking is the best defence, but it really isn't me. I rather just get over with all these things. At first I didn't want to upset her and because of that haven't pressed charges allready.

The past few weeks my opinion is shifting: I do not want the hustle, but I do not really care about her feelings anymore... .   I think... .    

She is not a child, she is an adult.  An adult is expected to be a responsible person and ought to suffer deserved consequences.  How else will she learn there are limits?  (Frankly, she will likely never learn but if you don't protect yourself she'll keep ripping you to shreds.)

Needless to say, the marriage is OVER.  There is no hope left.  Don't think for even a moment that some day you can get back together again.  You can't risk a repeat.

Stop worrying about her and worry about your own future which she has singlehandedly put at severe risk!  Something we often say here, The misbehaving spouse seldom has consequences and the behaving spouse never gets credit.  Ponder that.  It is so true.  Taking the high road, saying nothing to defend yourself or reveal who is really the one misbehaving and being the silent noble one will sink you.

But still: of course she should take responsibility about her own action. But she can't... .  

I will take the appropriate measures to protect myself, but I'm not willing to hurt her without it having to do with my defense. I'm not the aggressive type... .  

You've been together for a decade but how long have you been married?  Most states, I believe, count only the length of marriage.  Depending on your state, you may have to split all assets and debts (except inheritances), possibly only since the marriage.  A 10 year marriage might get up to 5 years of alimony support. Frankly, an experienced family law attorney will tell you she can scream all she wants, demand all she wants and stomp her feet all she wants but the the financial aspects are basically straightforward and go mostly by formulas.

Over here the rules are more strict: especially for the working part of the marriage. I'm facing an alimony of 12 years and even after that it's not clear that I'm over with it, because she is sick... .  

What to do now?  Make sure you have an assertive experienced lawyer similar to the type described in Splitting.  Stay far away from her, not even contacting her by phone, email, text or whatever.  Proceed with the divorce.  Keep it strictly business.

Review with your lawyer whether you should continue paying all her expenses.  At least some expenses you may have to continue paying during the divorce, but don't be generous thinking the court will like you better.  As I wrote above, your good behavior is necessary but still not likely to get you much credit.

I will try to be more assertive 

Thanks again for your advice!

[ForeverDad]

I'm facing an alimony of 12 years and even after that it's not clear that I'm over with it, because she is sick... .  

It's hard to imagine a 10-12 year relationship could result in longer support, though I'm sure it is possible in some places.  One thing to make sure the courts are aware, you didn't make her this way, she was already disordered, it's just so extremely noticeable not because you're at the end-phase of the relationship where all ended lovers are rejected, blame is shifted to them and they're all accused of being abusive and worse.

The experience here is that, in general, we don't try to say a person is disordered or mentally ill, that can boomerang on us in various ways including in support situations.  Rather, we encourage sticking to descriptions of the poor behaviors and the established patterns of poor behaviors.  Many courts and evaluators are reluctant to diagnose or focus on a diagnosis, they (again, in general) stick with the behaviors and actions, what can be seen and documented.  In most cases so should we.

As much as you feel you want to be "nice" to her, you know she won't willingly reciprocate, not unless she has an ulterior motive for some other reason.  You do have to defend yourself assertively so that an injustice (to you) is less likely to happen.  That's not aggressive nor retaliatory.  It's self defense.

[marbleloser]

"Rather, we encourage sticking to descriptions of the poor behaviors and the established patterns of poor behaviors."

This is where my atty earned every penny during deposition.The questions she asked,and the stbx answered truthfully,established a pattern over years.She was actually obnoxious in answering these questions.Like she saw nothing wrong with her behaviour.

It was weird.The questions she answered truthfully hurt her,and the one's she answered untruthfully,hurt her.

The untruths I have proof of.The truths I didn't.Go figure... .  

[VeryFree]

Thanks ForeverDad.

I will speak to my legal advisor how to handle this one.

Overhere it also is adviced not to mention mental illnesses, for it backfires often. I will find a way.