For those w/ high functioning BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I find SO can't make decisions at all in career moves as well as anything definite in personal life unless it is for entertainment, concerts, movies, dinner, drinks. Cannot focus long enough to start AND finish any decision that requires closing any doors, moving, vacation locations, paying bills, buying a car. Everything is made into what I think is a mess. I plan, create a list of options, go over good/bad reasons with all his input then he'll comment on the very first choice that really is no longer a choice witgout remembering the 10 reasons why its no longer an option. Almost like reopening a door an option when it should be clearly closed. I find that unles an emotion reason arises in the negative, no options are ever taken off the table. So it takes months to buy a car, as example, and in the end its a hasty decision and needs to get done, quite chaotic no order. But in his job, deals are closed in seconds of unbelievable monetary value. Is it because there is no connection emotionally to his work even though he loves/hates it?

[whereisthezen]

I find SO can't make decisions at all in career moves as well as anything definite in personal life unless it is for entertainment, concerts, movies, dinner, drinks. Cannot focus long enough to start AND finish any decision that requires closing any doors, moving, vacation locations, paying bills, buying a car. Everything is made into what I think is a mess. I plan, create a list of options, go over good/bad reasons with all his input then he'll comment on the very first choice that really is no longer a choice witgout remembering the 10 reasons why its no longer an option. Almost like reopening a door an option when it should be clearly closed. I find that unles an emotion reason arises in the negative, no options are ever taken off the table. So it takes months to buy a car, as example, and in the end its a hasty decision and needs to get done, quite chaotic no order. But in his job, deals are closed in seconds of unbelievable monetary value. Is it because there is no connection emotionally to his work even though he loves/hates it?

[SadWifeofBPD]

I find SO can't make decisions at all in career moves as well as anything definite in personal life unless it is for entertainment, concerts, movies, dinner, drinks. Cannot focus long enough to start AND finish any decision that requires closing any doors, moving, vacation locations, paying bills, buying a car. Everything is made into what I think is a mess. I plan, create a list of options, go over good/bad reasons with all his input then he'll comment on the very first choice that really is no longer a choice witgout remembering the 10 reasons why its no longer an option. Almost like reopening a door an option when it should be clearly closed. I find that unles an emotion reason arises in the negative, no options are ever taken off the table. So it takes months to buy a car, as example, and in the end its a hasty decision and needs to get done, quite chaotic no order. But in his job, deals are closed in seconds of unbelievable monetary value. Is it because there is no connection emotionally to his work even though he loves/hates it?

My BPDH is very similar.  Can function at work, but is awful with decisions in his personal life.   When he does make a personal decision, it's done impulsively, without regard to long-term impact. 

He'd prefer that I make many/most decisions, but then later criticize those decisions later.  Of course, he'd later claim that the decisions weren't his.  I'd remind him that anytime he delegated a decision to me then he was making a decision. 

I am so glad that he's moved out.  We have peace, at last, in our home. 

[zaqsert]

My uBPDw does this too.  At work she used to make decisions and move things forward.  But she hasn't worked for several years.

At home and in her personal life she agonizes over all sorts of decisions.  I used to go through it with her, trying to help.  Regardless of whether she made the decision herself or not, if the outcome was not good, some decisions would get thrown in my face and she would resent me for them.

The most recent big one, moving to another place for my job assignment, was something that she brought up in the first place.  As we figured out more details, she started to have a harder time with the decisions and found things that she didn't like about the move.  In the end we both agreed on what we were going to do, where to move, etc.

But right after we got to the new place, she started complaining about everything, and eventually told me that she resented me for all the difficulties, because we had moved for me and my job, yet "100 times more difficult" for her and our D2.  So for the next couple of months I felt like I was bending over backwards to do things for her and help her (and us) get settled.  And then things blew up anyway.  She insisted that the only reason I spent time helping us get settled is that I was procrastinating from working.

That's when I happened to come across BPD and started to learn about it.  Lucky timing this time.

So I tried something different.  I stopped trying to "help" her made decisions.  If she asked for my opinion, I would share it.  If she asked "what should I do?" I would remind her that she knows my opinion and that it's her decision to make.  This really annoyed her at first.  But now she has started to make some decisions on her own.  She will often still ask for input, and I'll share my thoughts, but she will ultimately make the decision.  She often agonizes over it for days or weeks, or puts it off and then comes back to it, but it's her decision to make.

It has only been a month or two since I have been doing this more consistently, but so far it seems to be helping. 

[zaqsert]

... .   I should add ... .     I think an important reason why I'm finally able to back off and not try to "help" her with every little problem is that I am finally starting to understand that I can only radically accept her as she is and that I can't change her or even help her to change.  It's not even my place to presume that I can try to help her change in any way.  Others tried to tell me this over the years, but it finally clicked that I have no control over her, her feelings, or her behavior.

Looking back, it feels arrogantly assuming of me to believe that I really could step in and "help" my wife to learn to lead a better life, especially when she usually did not ask for the help.  Ironically, I tend not to be arrogant or assuming in most other things in life.  But I do feel the need to fix things.

And I think that by understanding that her behavior is probably caused by the whirlwind of emotions inside her, far more so than what I was doing or not doing, this helped me to start accepting her as she is.  Of course that is not to say that I didn't do anything to cause, trigger, or make things worse.  Oh boy did I do plenty of that and need to continue to work on stopping these things.

Ultimately, the only thing that I really have control over is what I do, my own behavior.  For me, at least, other lessons have started to flow from there.

[whereisthezen]

I'm working on the radical acceptance myself. It's difficult to do when I'm recently painted white again. But I am journaling, talking, because black or white I'm not fulfilled in this relationship. Good for you to do whats best for you, it's all that really matters at times like these.

[SadWifeofBPD]

It's difficult to do when I'm recently painted white again

Yes, that can be the hardest times.  Over and over again, I'd be happy to have peace in the house and a H who would actually "try" for a day or two to get along.  But, soon I'd be black again and miserable - wondering how I ever got myself into this. 

You may be feeling this way as well.  Happy and relieved to be on the "good list". 

It took me a LONG time (way too long) to realize that even when I was on the "good list," H was quietly marking strikes against me when I wasn't realizing it.  Then the tipping point would come and RAGE. 

[clairedair]

Hi whereisthezen,

this was/is one of the many things I struggle with. I share custody with exH and so still have contact. He is very high functioning at work - successful and well thought of.  And yet he is about to marry one of his co-workers after dating for 6 months.  His colleagues are probably delighted because he and fiancee have worked with each other for several years so it won't seem completely impulsive.  What they won't know is that he has spent these years recycling me and another woman (who he was also going to marry once divorce came through).

It amazes me that he can not just hold down this job but excel at it when his personal life (not just his romantic relationships) is so complex and chaotic.

INteresting what you say about being unable to 'close doors'.  Despite the pain inflicted in his personal life, he does seem able to leave without shutting door completely (so there's always someone 'available'.  He has moved jobs several times and even changed career more than once but again seems to manage to keep connections going and not close off any options.

My exH does have an emotional attachment to work in the sense that he is passionate about aspects of it and there's a lot tied to FOO stuff about achieving but at the end of the day, it's not an intimate relationship and he's not in a role where he's likely to get made redundant ('abandoned' and so I guess that's part of the reason why he's able to progress without any great disasters.  The job involves a lot of caring for others and he gets a lot of validation from that.  I've seen many thank you cards and letters commenting on how supportive he has been and heard people tell me how he's a 'saint'.

And yet when I've been sick, he often seemed to be angry with me?  Just something else that doesn't add up... .  

[OTH]

i was remodeling my house when she moved in. She would only express an opinion after I started a project. Lol

It is funny now. At the time I was not a happy camper.

I find SO can't make decisions at all in career moves as well as anything definite in personal life unless it is for entertainment, concerts, movies, dinner, drinks. Cannot focus long enough to start AND finish any decision that requires closing any doors, moving, vacation locations, paying bills, buying a car. Everything is made into what I think is a mess. I plan, create a list of options, go over good/bad reasons with all his input then he'll comment on the very first choice that really is no longer a choice witgout remembering the 10 reasons why its no longer an option. Almost like reopening a door an option when it should be clearly closed. I find that unles an emotion reason arises in the negative, no options are ever taken off the table. So it takes months to buy a car, as example, and in the end its a hasty decision and needs to get done, quite chaotic no order. But in his job, deals are closed in seconds of unbelievable monetary value. Is it because there is no connection emotionally to his work even though he loves/hates it?

[dshannon123]

My BPD is a highly educated, highly functioning professional. However, her personal life is a disaster. She makes excellent professional and financial decisions but terrible personal decisions. She is extremely immature when it comes to personal things often wanting to be friends with the kids friends, call the kids friends and chat, and act like she is in high school. Of course this angers the kids and they don't want their 56 year old Mom being buddies with their friends.

Her father was an alcoholic and she tells stories of taking care of him when she was a young girl. Her Mom would kick him out of the house and she would help him gat back in. I am confident this caused her development to be stunted and very screwed up. Its said because if you met her you would never believe her personal life is such a train wreck. She continually seeks out men to rescue her and lies about her relationship with them. It has torn apart the family and sorry the kids have had to experience this tragedy.