Aunt finally catching on; incomplete plan to "reward good behavior"

[Seraffa]

My Aunt is finally catching on! And opening up about knowing mom. I promised to drop some professional stuff in the mail to her about BPD and Dementia so she can judge for herself.

Mom tried a knee-jerk conversation with her over the phone, and my Aunt privately remarked to me that she was about to cave in and tell Mom that we had been talking about her mental health. "Wait just one week more, please" I said," cos if you can wait a week longer, I'll send some stuff in the mail and it's been helping me figure out why she says what she does -- see if it makes sense to you."

My mother and I were to go on an annual countryside trip with her 50 miles away but my mother privately told her she didn't want to go if I went on the trip "for fear I would be talking about her in front of everyone." "What on earth would she be saying about you in front of us?" my Aunt asked. My mother didn't really answer the question; dementia's paranoia in general, or BPD's hesitation to follow through, and stay within the old pattern of self-assured misery.

"I'm always afraid because I never know what you'll say next to me - you have so many mood  changes" is my mother's flagship phrase, monthly, to assure me that she won't validate my own healthy, realistic state of emotional variances.  Projection. She does it a lot. And even after I've had a comparatively nice verbal interchange with her for 15 minutes.  No - I must be doubted, and in being able to doubt me, her world will stay secure within. Tamper-proof. Familiar and reliable.

So far I've only been able 2 use 2 parts of SET and have not covered the "extinction of negaive behavior" and "reinforcement and reward of positive behavior" because I have just been fired from my job this week.

This is a very, very heavy load to carry this time, esp. as I have to factor in dementia (her not remembering what went on a month ago)... .   I hope I can finish analyzing what to do with her today, because it's much more emotionally scary being around her while I am unemployed that it is while I am employed.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi Seraffa,

This is great news about your aunt! The validation and support from her must be really helpful. I am very sorry about the loss of your job though.   Good for you for working on SET. It does take practice, and it's very understandable how tough things are for you right now.

Please take caution in confronting your mom about BPD though. It can backfire. Do you have a plan for how you will approach her with this information? Also, I'd highly recommend you not mention that you've joined support forums to protect your anonymity here. It's very safe as long as we take steps to watch ourselves.

[Seraffa]

Ms. Olive: Lest anyone misunderstand my post, I am going to show my Aunt why PREVENTING her talking directly to my Mom about mental health is the most effective route to go, as partial caregivers/concerned parties.

It hurts me so much that we can't have visitors over to the house and that my Mom (if given the ammunition in the form of my personal dreams and goals) will shoot down all my happiness during vicious attacks, and even though I'm learning these steps i still feel ill at ease and walking on eggshells in the house, just as if my alcoholic father was at home. I need a live support group nearby.

I wish it were just as easy to bend my mother over my knee and spank the living daylights out of her whenever she is up to negative, vicious comments! And I still wish I could scream at her "shut up" for all the times past when she followed me from room to room doing it. Although -- I actually did scream that one day, and she kept at it... .    so between the BPD and the early to mid stage dementia, the average person (like my boyfriend) would classify her as "insane" rather than curable. I'm afraid I would rather go with the realistic "insane" label of her than water it down any more. It would be a dishonoring myself to think of it as anything "but".

I better get on with my research and notes... .  

[Seraffa]

It's working even more... .   got a hug from my mom today ... .   I still don't trust her very much because of the dementia... .   and she starts stinking every wednesday because she only takes a bath once a week... .   even though the techniques are working, I feel worn out because I am still job hunting and need more friends and that live support group. Absolutely essential when you live with a person who operates on the premise that everything is about "them".