Dreading her return

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Udbpw travels a lot on business. One day before she left this time she had a bigger, crueler, meltdown than she'd had in a long time.  I'm well aware that stress can trigger such things, but this was worse than usual, and, as mostly happens out of the blue (to me anyway) and like most, was an irrational angry harsh and cruel rant.  Then an icy silence fell.

Next day, after a long mostly silent trip to the airport, I told her I was sorry for my share in all this -- not sure what I was apologizing for, but wanting things to end on a semi-calm note. Sshe said she was sorry for me and sorry for herself, and was gone.  For a week.  One thing different this time is she is out of phone contact -- she can e-mail, but can't call.  Usually we talk and kind of work our way back to an equilibrium.

She comes back tomorrow, and the thought of it sits in the pit of my stomach.  That last, unexpected, explosion seems to have sucked all the joy of life out of me, and just hurts, cold and solid. 

I just wish she'd never come back.  18 years of this and I've had enough.  There.I said it.  But part of me wants things to be like they've probably never really been, the two of us sharing life and appreciating the good things we have had together.   Like,I suppose, a dog that's been kicked but wants to belong. 

[ddz]

Udbpw travels a lot on business. One day before she left this time she had a bigger, crueler, meltdown than she'd had in a long time.  I'm well aware that stress can trigger such things, but this was worse than usual, and, as mostly happens out of the blue (to me anyway) and like most, was an irrational angry harsh and cruel rant.  Then an icy silence fell.

Next day, after a long mostly silent trip to the airport, I told her I was sorry for my share in all this -- not sure what I was apologizing for, but wanting things to end on a semi-calm note. Sshe said she was sorry for me and sorry for herself, and was gone.  For a week.  One thing different this time is she is out of phone contact -- she can e-mail, but can't call.  Usually we talk and kind of work our way back to an equilibrium.

She comes back tomorrow, and the thought of it sits in the pit of my stomach.  That last, unexpected, explosion seems to have sucked all the joy of life out of me, and just hurts, cold and solid. 

I just wish she'd never come back.  18 years of this and I've had enough.  There.I said it.  But part of me wants things to be like they've probably never really been, the two of us sharing life and appreciating the good things we have had together.   Like,I suppose, a dog that's been kicked but wants to belong. 

[Surnia]

HI ddz

I hear your wish, she would never return! And to confess this and wright it down is a important step.

I was there too. It is not a easy place. Perhaps it is time to think about ending the rs? What is hindering you to do so?

[Vindi]

YOUR gut is telling you something... .   maybe its time for some changes and 18 yrs is a long time... .   part of you wants the "good times" back, unless things change nothing will change.

what would you like to do to make your life better?

[crazylife]

How did it go?