Verbal/Emotional Abuse-a warning

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just want to give all parents/SO's a warning. I was advised by my uBPDh's T to contact DSS today because of my his escalating behavior and increasing verbal/emotional abuse. I filed a report this morning and this afternoon they called back and said they aren't going to do anything. Basically, until he physically assaults me or the kids or does significant emotional damage, they will not step in. Even uBPDh's T was rather surprised and is now advising me to seek legal advice for our safety. My only options are to stay here until he does something that leaves a physical or emotional mark or I take a chance in the courts and probably seal the end of my marriage, chance losing my son and guarantee that he will not continue therapy even though that is NOT what I want.

This country has serious failings when it comes to the mentally ill and their victims. There should be more options to PREVENT abuse before it happens rather than only reacting AFTER the damage is done.

[byasliver]

Just want to give all parents/SO's a warning. I was advised by my uBPDh's T to contact DSS today because of my his escalating behavior and increasing verbal/emotional abuse. I filed a report this morning and this afternoon they called back and said they aren't going to do anything. Basically, until he physically assaults me or the kids or does significant emotional damage, they will not step in. Even uBPDh's T was rather surprised and is now advising me to seek legal advice for our safety. My only options are to stay here until he does something that leaves a physical or emotional mark or I take a chance in the courts and probably seal the end of my marriage, chance losing my son and guarantee that he will not continue therapy even though that is NOT what I want.

This country has serious failings when it comes to the mentally ill and their victims. There should be more options to PREVENT abuse before it happens rather than only reacting AFTER the damage is done.

[momtara]

I'm not sure if you are the person who posted before, but what about a restraining order?  You'd have to document this beforehand, though - have tape recorders on, write in your journal, etc., etc... .   AND it depends on your state.  In some states (not others) it's fairly easy to get a restraining order for "harassment."  Of course, it does mean you'd have to get a lawyer and go back to court when it's time for the final restraining order.  Usually you can work out an agreement to drop it in exchange for him being out of the house.  You have to really want to do it, though. 

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, divorce is just about the only option available.  Adults can end a relationship.  The courts are relatively consistent in not requiring people to change.  Courts don't try to change people, at least not very much.  Punish, yes, sometimes, but change, no, not that much.  Courts deal with people as they are. So should we, especially if they've resisting change or improvement as a pattern until now.  Yes, Anger Management or less often Counseling may be ordered but it's still up to the person whether there is any improvement in behaviors.  Once the course is completed, that's usually the end of that.  If it fails and you turn to the court, the (often unspoken) answer is that if the other person is still a problem, then since the court won't force them to change it's up to you to step out of the relationship.

That's an important lesson emphasized here... .   If your soupse won't change for the better, then it's up to you to change yourself and/or your situation.  You can't fix/cure/help/force your spouse, however you can morph from failed efforts and inaction to proactive efforts and action to help yourself and your children.

You can end a marriage (chosen relationship) but the parental rights and responsibilities (however much the parents respect or disregard them) persist.  That's where family court comes in.

You may say, like most of us here said, "But I don't want a divorce!"  Well, sometimes it's just plain unavoidable, not unless you're willing to live with the chaos, discord, blaming, neglect and perhaps even abuse.  It's often been remarked that it feels like the behavior gets worse because we don't do something to stop it or limit it.

No, sticking around in such situations isn't a good option.  Appeasement and tolerating the misbehaviors just enables the conduct to continue and worsen.  And over time you gradually lose more and more of yourself.  And the chidlren become more and more troubled and affected by the poor examples, discord and conflict.

Another major consideration is the children.  What example are you setting for them if you let an abusive or poor relationship continue?  By not getting them into a stable and peaceful home for at least a significant part of their lives, they may never see what family life ought to be.  Also, it puts them at higher risk of choosing a marriage mate like mom or dad.  Yes, your child could choose to marry a controller like your spouse - or a target like you.  Ponder that too.

[byasliver]

Yes, I had another post before I found out what I did today. I can't get a restraining order where I live without proof of emotional damage or accusing him of physical abuse. I won't lie. I have an app on my phone that will allow me to record conversations without his knowing and that IS legal in my state. Having filed a report (even if it isn't acted on) is documentation. Plus, his T made notes in his file about my calling her. I do take comfort in knowing evidence is building up. Whether or not he decides to really commit to therapy, all the documentation will help me maintain custody of our son. Even his T told me today that he'd have a very difficult time getting custody from me. And she is HIS therapist!

Mostly I just wanted to make people aware. I really thought emotional/verbal abuse was taken as seriously as physical by now but it isn't. In fact, it is barely paid attention to. Sad.

I really don't want a divorce but I won't let that take priority over the safety and wellbeing of my kids.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that at some point he may tell his therapist to stop talking with you or sharing information with you.  For example, the USA has HIPAA, a privacy and confidentiality law that protects a person's information even from a spouse.  So someday his T may tell you she can't talk with you anymore.  (However, hopefully his T may still be willing to listen.)

What is considered actionable varies from place to place and state to state.

In the end, what we want often isn't the deciding factor, it's dealing effectively with what IS. :'(

[byasliver]

Oh, I'm totally aware of HIPAA. Even if she has to stop sharing info with me, she is still available to me for support. She has made that clear. And her and DSS did confirm that in the case of suspected abuse of a child, the T can share info with DSS without his permission. And I think even if he changed his mind, any information she has shared with me so far can be brought up. Mostly, we have only talked about the issues that were mentioned in the therapy session I attended with uBPDh. He can sign whatever he wants but because I was there, if I give her permission to talk about it, she can.

K, I'm struggling with typing - two hours sleep last night and then a day of running... .   I am BEAT! G'nite folks!

[nowheretogo]

Please refer to my latest posts ok my thread where I basically echo your sentiments about nothing being done regarding verbal/emotional abuse.  it is not considered important because the life of the person abused, even if a child, is not considered to be in immediate danger.  God, why should it only be considered danger if the consequences are to be recognized immediately?