Signs that I am permanently out of the picture?

[LosingIt2]

Well, I'm on the undecided board simply because that's where I am. Unfortunately, my exBPDgf I feel at this point is pretty much decided with not speaking to me. It's been 7 weeks NC. My birthday has passed during the NC... .   nothing from her. She is notorious for giving the silent treatment, leading up to and after BU.

I know no one is a mind reader here, but based on experience or BPD thinking in general, does the fact that she ignored my birthday indicate a permanent state of NC? I'm basically at the point that I will not go out of my way to contact her again, since she has ignored two of emails before I initiated NC, as a means to not feel any more rejection. Thoughts? 

[Vindi]

how long have you and your ex been dating, years? well since she did nc on your b'day, she may just do no contact permanently, and who knows maybe a few months down the road. Do you think she may have just "recycled" the relationship and moving onto another person?

Its so hard to tell what a BPD person will do... .   what is it that you want?

[Mightyhammers]

My ex GF’s birthday was last week, I was in 2 minds whether to send her something or at least contact her or not but in the end I didn’t – I also half expected her to contact me to berate me because I had forgotten, I didn’t get that either. However I don’t put this down as permanent as I fully expect her to be back in contact with me in a few months time, around a year and a bit ago she gave me the tirade of all tirades, completely cut me off and then 6 – 7 months later she was back in my inbox like nothing had happened. So in answer to your question, and I realise that everyone is different, I would say she will be back at some point…... .

[LosingIt2]

What do I want... .   that is a good question vindi. I do want to hear from her. We were together for 4 years. We broke up over the summer after a very, very bad spring. She moved out and then I moved to a different city. It wasn't much of a recycle bc she didn't technically really date anyone when we were apart. Though she continued seeing the person she emotionally cheated on me with. But, he's married so... .   yeah. It was like she made a mistake and came back. This time though, my mistake initiated the BU.

It's more complicated bc I know when she is finished with school she will be moving to the city I am living in now, but that's a year away. Mighty- our second break up this time ended really badly, but I'm the one who took it there. I said it was too painful to be friends... .   which it is. I was angry. Still am for a lot of reasons. It's just very painful to think of her as being completely out of my life. She wanted to be friends but I really pissed her off during our final phone call and she cut me off. Ultimately though, even though I can't imagine not seeing her again, I don't know what is for the best. I appreciate your responses.

[Li Po mem]

This was a helpful thread. It sounds so familiar.

[Empathy101]

As other have said, there is no way to ever know. Each person is different - whether they have BPD or not.

In my own personal experience, I haven't seen, talked to or heard from my exBPD for something like 19 months. And yet, at various points in the calendar (some associated with events between us), things will happen like she'll randomly start "following" me on Facebook, mutual friends will spot her randomly showing up at places I used to frequent or she'll change profile pictures to something from when we were together (and she's still dating the guy she jumped to when she thought I would abandon her!). A few times I did try to reach out to her, usually after she directly communicated with a friend about remorse, guilt and regret over what occurred. I think she replied once, denying having such a conversation but thanking me for kind words (adding "I guess?" LOL).

You just never know! I'd still by sympathetic and talk to her if she ever caught me out somewhere but I won't reach out again. I also wouldn't talk to her more than one time if I discovered/learned that she stopped going to therapy - which I assume she did since push/pull is something one would have worked on within 18-months of therapy

[LosingIt2]

She was in therapy for a grand total of, I don't know, 6 sessions in a 3 month period. She promised to go to therapy when we got back together. The way she ended our second BU was a clear indication that she made zero effort in therapy, which is partly why I was so angry with her in the end. She made so many false promises.

My guess is she has completely blown off therapy, starting the week she decided to dump me. I'm not putting my life on hold this time around waiting to hear from her like I did last time. I really did't expect a reconciliation like we had then though, either. However, our problems were never resolved when we got back together. I know she has a soft spot for me and this was her first really serious relationship, but she also belittled the significance of our relationship, which was really upsetting. My T says it's her being aggressive and not allowing any sort of open dialogue or healthy level of communication. So, it's this lack of closure that's really eating away at me. And, I'm the bad guy/evil incarnate, which is also severely frustrating.

[benny2]

They seem to have issues with birthdays, including their own. Mine claimed he forgot it was my birthday while I was living there, b.s. then this year he went NC with me during the holidays and my birthday and now his birthday being just a couple days ago, he is being very distant. I'm not sure why this seems to be an issue with them, but I don't think it means gone for good. At least it did not in my case, and I have read several other post pertaining to withdrawl during holidays.

[LosingIt2]

She acts like her birthday is a national holiday, or needs people to see it that way. I always found her attitude about her bday to be kind of childish. My birthday on the other hand, she has some how managed to ruin 4 out of 5. First one she didn't really do anything for it, other than sex in the morning. I wasn't complaining. 2nd one she totally forgot bc she was concerned with her own problems, we were living together. 3rd was great. Bought tickets to a concert and got me my ideal cake and an antique camera. 4th she cancelled our trip bc she said she needed space and didn't want me to think a trip was going to help, and then she brought up the idea of breaking up. Took months of agony before it actually happened. She did get me a card. 5th. Well, we we broke up a little less than a month before it. I have to admit, even though she takes her birthday very seriously, that was also a stressful time. We could never enjoy ourselves and relax no matter how hard I tried. So yes, I agree with you benny.

I really don't get her.

[LosingIt2]

And yet, I miss her and her crazy antics.

[changingme]

benny2,

ahhh the issue with the holidays... .  

This is one part of BPD that just is plain confusing to me & moves to the top of my list of painful experiences... .   because every holiday/birthday/vacations/etc. always has a memory tied to it that was half pleasant and the other half I felt like dying inside and can't forget about it being so stressful.  Sometimes I dread those dates myself even now because it is just upsetting to remember and think back on all that wasted "holidays" on the stress and energy of being upset. 

[LosingIt2]

I'm a little confused. In the 10 false beliefs about a BPD relationship, it mentions how someone with BPD has the capacity to move on or forget about the relationship more easily. That alone confuses me. I'm assuming it's about avoiding emotions? But the more confusing part is if that is the case, why do they so often return? I get the whole supply theory, but if we haven't been around at all, why would they reengage us if they detach so quickly? It's just a paradox I'm trying to wrap my head around.

[wanttoknowmore]

Losingit2,

you are making a very good point. In fact,I have been pondering over this very issue myself. They say that pwBPD has object constancy issues... .   if thats true then, how their memories come back after months or years of NC by the Non?  They not only remember his/her name,phone numbers,address and what occupation he/she has, how he/she looks like,what he/she likes,what makes him/her attracted to them... .   almost everything they remember when they want to come back to their Ex.

I think they remember fine but has capacity to distract themselves by engaging in other activities or in drugs or in other superficial relationships . The whole purpose seems like they just want to forget the intimate Non but do have difficulty forgetting him/her.

I also think that once they tested a genuine intimacy of certain depth, intially they want to run away due to fear but later, they find that superficial substitute relationships donot fulfill their need for intimacy. Hence,they want to return once their fears subside.

And the once who dont come back... . either the break up was too painful due to Non's angry reaction and hurtful words/behavior... .   OR they met somone who is more capable of providing support, empathy and validation.

[benny2]

Yes that is the thing that I am confused about too. Why does he keep coming back? Seems that I am not the only he cannot forget though, he keeps in touch with his exwife too. I am so completely opposite of her. Its very confusing although he has known me longer than her and has told me many times, during idealization, that he wished he would have grabbed me years ago. Guess you can't you can't go by anything they told you during that time, or anytime for that matter.