I am frustrated

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She does it again... .   she just stopped in at work and starts questioning me on what I am doing. Checks my drawers, my phone, opens my agenda, where were you today? Checks my email, who is this Tanya? Why is she starting the email with Hey? You must talk to her all the time in order for her to start an email like that with you? Asks me these same questions at least 10 times. It's exhausting to deal with her, and when I tell her it is pathetic what she is doing, she starts to yell at me and tell me I give her no choice to be like that by lying to her all those times. She doesn't trust me and never will.

I second guess myself alot because I want out of this situation, of this marriage. But I am fearful of the concequences... .   how far will she go to take revenge on me, how crazy will she become if I "abandon her" like that, and what impact will it have on the kids? Will I be able to see them?

Sometimes I think that maybe I can handle it for a few more years until things get financially stable, but it seams the longer time goes by, the more enmeshed our life gets, the more financially indebted we are, and the more my life is wasted away, I cannot live with her, I am enslaved to her, I have no freedom, I have no friends, no hobbies, no hope for the future with her. I don't hate her, but hate my life with her. I WANT OUT!

I am trying to make a firm decision and start taking steps towards it, but I know I need to be strong, healthy and ready for WW3. If I do not succeed in this final attempt to free myself from her, I fear that I will not have a second chance with the same opportunity to plan and prepare as I have this time around, because she does not suspect that I will do anything this drastic, she thinks she has me under her thumb, but I am planning... .   getting my ducks in a row, it may take months... .   but soon the day will come when I will drop the bomb on her and she will know it is for real, she will freak out and who knows what she'll do... .   but I will not be around to see it.

[AJ Wrangler]

She does it again... .   she just stopped in at work and starts questioning me on what I am doing. Checks my drawers, my phone, opens my agenda, where were you today? Checks my email, who is this Tanya? Why is she starting the email with Hey? You must talk to her all the time in order for her to start an email like that with you? Asks me these same questions at least 10 times. It's exhausting to deal with her, and when I tell her it is pathetic what she is doing, she starts to yell at me and tell me I give her no choice to be like that by lying to her all those times. She doesn't trust me and never will.

I second guess myself alot because I want out of this situation, of this marriage. But I am fearful of the concequences... .   how far will she go to take revenge on me, how crazy will she become if I "abandon her" like that, and what impact will it have on the kids? Will I be able to see them?

Sometimes I think that maybe I can handle it for a few more years until things get financially stable, but it seams the longer time goes by, the more enmeshed our life gets, the more financially indebted we are, and the more my life is wasted away, I cannot live with her, I am enslaved to her, I have no freedom, I have no friends, no hobbies, no hope for the future with her. I don't hate her, but hate my life with her. I WANT OUT!

I am trying to make a firm decision and start taking steps towards it, but I know I need to be strong, healthy and ready for WW3. If I do not succeed in this final attempt to free myself from her, I fear that I will not have a second chance with the same opportunity to plan and prepare as I have this time around, because she does not suspect that I will do anything this drastic, she thinks she has me under her thumb, but I am planning... .   getting my ducks in a row, it may take months... .   but soon the day will come when I will drop the bomb on her and she will know it is for real, she will freak out and who knows what she'll do... .   but I will not be around to see it.

[Clearmind]

She does it again... .   she just stopped in at work and starts questioning me on what I am doing. Checks my drawers, my phone, opens my agenda, where were you today? Checks my email, who is this Tanya? Why is she starting the email with Hey? You must talk to her all the time in order for her to start an email like that with you? Asks me these same questions at least 10 times. It's exhausting to deal with her, and when I tell her it is pathetic what she is doing, she starts to yell at me and tell me I give her no choice to be like that by lying to her all those times. She doesn't trust me and never will.

No wonder you are frustrated – you are not setting clear boundaries.

Calling her pathetic is invalidating.

Communiate using TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I second guess myself alot because I want out of this situation, of this marriage. But I am fearful of the concequences... .   how far will she go to take revenge on me, how crazy will she become if I "abandon her" like that, and what impact will it have on the kids? Will I be able to see them?

You maybe best to go see a lawyer and have a chat Wrangler.

Sometimes I think that maybe I can handle it for a few more years until things get financially stable, but it seams the longer time goes by, the more enmeshed our life gets, the more financially indebted we are, and the more my life is wasted away, I cannot live with her, I am enslaved to her, I have no freedom, I have no friends, no hobbies, no hope for the future with her. I don't hate her, but hate my life with her. I WANT OUT!

Its pretty clear to me you are not looking after yourself. Interests, hobbies, friends?

I am trying to make a firm decision and start taking steps towards it, but I know I need to be strong, healthy and ready for WW3. If I do not succeed in this final attempt to free myself from her, I fear that I will not have a second chance with the same opportunity to plan and prepare as I have this time around, because she does not suspect that I will do anything this drastic, she thinks she has me under her thumb, but I am planning... .   getting my ducks in a row, it may take months... .   but soon the day will come when I will drop the bomb on her and she will know it is for real, she will freak out and who knows what she'll do... .   but I will not be around to see it.

If you do plan to leave – its best not to let on that is your plan.

Are you able to begin to get some documentation together, copies of important stuff, copies of photos etc, bank accounts? Start planning Wrangler – this will provide you with some personal power.

hit_

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

[motherof1yearold]

I am glad you have an understanding of "planning an escape". I had planned to leave ex BPD husband for a long time... .   but he beat me to it and dumped and divorced me. I wasn't able to see my 1 year old for  a month and had to get a lawyer. I had no time to prepare for WW3.

I encourage you to do some research on "safety planning" . I could type up the sheets I get from my local support group if you feel it may help you.

A few basic things I would start with would be slowly removing important items from the home (without her noticing) ex: children's birth certificates and what not.

Feel free to move to the "leaving" board where you can get more support for leaving a pwBPD.

[lockedout]

I'll add one thing to mo1yo's advice: document EVERYTHING. It may be a little time consuming and I recommend doing it on a word document on a secure computer. Keep two journals. One journal is for everything having to do with the kids, especially when you are alone with them. The other journal is to document all over her antics, accusations, threats, etc. You can anticipate that she'll use the kids against you. This may sting in the short term since our society had a mentality of "if she said he did it then he must have done it": you're guilty until proven innocent of anything she accuses you of. The documentation comes in later when the more final decisions are being made and your accurate record keeping will gain far more credibility with the family court system than her emotional reasoning will.

Other tips are that when you have the kids on our own try to do things with other people you know when possible and document who was present with you that day. Also, don't drink in public. Even a beer at the corner pizza joint witnessed by a "friend" will turn into you "boozing up" around the kids. 

[motherof1yearold]

lockedout is absolutely right; documenting is #1 ! It will save you with custody of the children and against false threats from the BPD, like restraining orders, DV, etc.

Can't believe I forgot to mention documentation, but go ahead and start while you are ahead , if you can do it digitally so she cannot find it , list dates specifically and have back up hand written accounts of everything that has been going on.

[AJ Wrangler]

Clearmind,

Thanks for you input.

You are rights "Calling her pathetic is invalidating." Call it manipulation on my part, but in this situation I say it so she will storm off and leave me alone. Sometimes it works like that, sometimes it has the opposite effect. But after 10 years, and just recently connecting the dots between her and BPD. I have been going through alot of internal stress trying to figure things out.

After many years of limited, "monitored" conversations with any family members, I have been calling my mother daily from work ,whom has also been the recipient of my BPDw's rages. I have been talking with her about BPD and what I am reading and finding out, it also provides me with an outlet.

I am definitely going to go see a few lawyers, in the coming weeks to talk about my rights, the divorce process, restraining orders, etc. Basically try to find the right lawyer and find out what my options are. It is a bit tricky as for years, I am to call her and let her know where I am going before I leave to get her permission, I do not have have healthy boundaries and know it. I have tried to "negotiate" with her but unsuccessful, so I need to be careful about the timing,also also have a planned "excuse" in case she calls me while I am with a lawyer. I have also opened a "private" bank account addressed to my work, as well as a "private" credit card in case of emergencies.

I also would like to be able to see a therapist for my own well being and support through this tough period, before, during and aftermaths.

Being financially "locked down" makes it tricky as well, as I do not want to show any signs that anything is going on, but I have a bonus coming up that I may be able to split without her knowing about it. I'm working on coming up with solutions to provide myself with some finances "behind her back".

I have definitely not looked after myself for 10 years, and after all these years of emotional blackmail, financial deprivation (believe it or not, I do make a six figure income), constant monitoring, breach of privacy, being controlled from what I read, eat, watch,who I talk to, where I go, a "joint" bank acout, I have just eroded. She runs the ship, does 99% of the parenting with my two kids, 9 and 13. Even parents me. She ridicules me, disrespects me all the time in front of the kids, rages any time I don't do things in her "way".

I am really, really, really frustrated. I'm sorry if I don't see much hope in a successful "setting boundaries" approach. Maybe I would've done that in the first few years of our marriage. But now she has full control, and cannot fathom losing any of it, especially to someone like me who she think the lowest of.

I started documenting online last night, in a private online journal. As far as the kids go, I barely spend any time with them, I cannot fathom taking them from her, they are very good kids, she loves them very much, and is doing a better job with them than I could. So I would never try to take custody from her. I love my kids very much, but the way the dynamics are in my family, there isn't much room for me to spend any quality time with the kids where she is not involved. If I can get them a weekend every other week, it would be more than I ever got to do with them in 10 years as a husband and father.

You know I also have spent many good times with my family, vacations, camping, happy times, etc. So it hasn't always been bad. But those times are few and far between... .  

Thanks for listening.

AJ