A boundary question?

[murph33]

So when he yells and says don't contact me I don't want to hear from you, so I respect his boundary and leave well enough alone then when he eventually initiates contact hes very angry because I left him "out there" on his own and ignored him... . there's no win in this. I do not contact him when he leaves or checks out for days (used to be weeks) so what do I say when hes raging because I didn't contact him. I have told him I was respecting what he told me and this just seems to make him more angry.

[Newton]

Hi murph33... .  yep the double standards and no win situations are truly frustrating... .  

You don't have to engage in long discussions about this (circular arguments are futile)... .  

If you want to set a boundary about this behaviour it could look as strong as "I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone who behaves this way"... .  

Or perhaps "I will not participate in a conversation with someone who is shouting and screaming" (I assume thats what you meant by him raging)... .  

SET language (Support, Empathy, Truth) would be good for this situation too... .  

ie/ "Hi X... .  it's great to hear from you, I know you asked for space... .  that has happened... .  lets talk "... .  if he wants to push your buttons and confront you for respecting his wish... .  he is just after a fight... .  then it's time for your boundary... .  

ie/ "I will not engage in a conversation with someone who obviously wants to fight"... .  

does this help?... .  

[murph33]

Hi Newton,

Yes a Hugh help thank you so much. I am learning about the cycle of conflict and how not to make things worse. your examples were perfect and now I just got to start practicing them. Yes by raging I mean screaming and shouting. He's in his zone right now meaning after his last wobbler he's isolating and Ive not heard from him for four days, trying to prepare as best I can and learn more so hopefully Ill be better able to tackle the next round, which I believe is just right around the corner sorry got to have a little humor or you could lose it easily. Once again your response has been so much help and much appreciated!

[MockingbirdHL]

My H is exactly the same. In fact we just got done with a marathon six hour "talk" after he told me I'll talk to you later in the week. That was Saturday night. This is the first I've heard from him except for a text yesterday setting this meeting up. 

I did what you did. Respected his boundary. Gave him his space. Didn't call. Didn't text. No email. No FB no nothing.

This time I did manage to ask if he meant for me to wait to hear from him. He confirmed.

Well he's gone again. Promising some communication this time while he "processes".

[ComoLu]

I have found it best to set the boundaries because he keeps changing them.  If I need to contact him, I do, regardless of his wishes.  If he rants, I ignore him when I can.  I make him adhere to the standards he claims.  I will give you an example.  He said I owed him x amount of money.  I said he owed me.  He said that I had had my opportunity in court to address those issues, so he owed me nothing.  I said that if that applied to me, it also applied to him, and he needed to stop nagging me or pay me.  He left me alone.  I also sometimes quote his emails back to him to keep him from using double standards with me.  He really hates that.

You have to see what set of techniques works best for you.  The wonderful thing about this sight is that we have multiple techniques to try and lots of people to ask for more advice.  Having a plan makes me feel more in control.

[murph33]

Hi MockingbirdHL

Thanks for your response. Yes seems like similar patterns which is no big surprise now that I know pretty much what it is he has. He just resurfaced after 5 days MIA I'm the one doing the processing here now believe me, learning growing and planning my next step forward outta this mess. I am so happy though that I held my ground, didn't contact him and applied the lessons I'm learning here when he did finally contact. Taking back the control is a good feeling.

[murph33]

Hi ComoLu,

Thanks for your insights. I agree setting the boundaries is very important as you cant depend on them to do much of anything really in my experience. I'm sticking to the boundaries I set for myself and I feel good about that. It doesn't matter what he thinks anymore regards my boundaries they're to protect me and the kids. I agree totally, having a plan can make all the difference. Its about taking back control of those reins,putting things in better order and moving forward. I used to be so afraid of him and his bully tactics, the more Ive learned, the more Ive grown and now I give less of a c... . p about his threats. When they think they have ya down it makes them worse and you feel powerless. I stay focused and keep moving, does it get tiresome? absolutely, but I finally see progress for me and that's improvement.

[hithere]

so what do I say when hes raging because I didn't contact him.

If he has BPD then just move on and don't have any contact with him.

With my ex it did not matter what I did, it was always wrong.

[murph33]

Its not a straight forward process of moving on, we have a child together so one way or another I need to learn how to deal with him as I will have to for the next 16 years. So its about learning how to communicate better in a way that is effective such as using the cycle of conflict tools and boundaries for a start.

[bruceli]

Hi murph33... .  yep the double standards and no win situations are truly frustrating

Yes they are, but I believe that I am begining to figure out when they are coming.  For example, dBPDw has been REALLY recycling and Pulling the last 3 days.  I knew something was up and sure enough, last night she drops the bomb of I'm going out with the girls tomorrow night so stay home and take care of my son.  Now she just had a big party with the girls on Saturday so I told her " That's good, have a fun time, but if your going out I'll go out too for some me time."  The look on her face was priceless... .  Got the automatic double standard look and the "I can do it to you but how dare you do it to me" reply.