I don't have the option to leave... not really

[aggie04girl]

SO my fiance has BPD and Schizophrenia.  I can't take it anymore.  To be honest sometimes I wish he would follow through with his suicide attempts/threats or his threat to leave.  I know if I ask him to leave or worse tell him he will threaten and possibly hurt me.  I want too much out of life to continue with this.  It makes me feel horribly guilty.  We have been together for over 3 years and I am the first real stable family he has ever had.  He was adopted and then put in group homes and programs because his parents couldn't handle him.  He spent some time in the Marines and some time in jail.

I love him, but things are really starting to drive me nuts.  He doesn't work, or even leave the house.  He spends like crazy and if I tell him no he becomes like a child.

Today was the straw that broke the camels back.

We are broke atm but I had $25 left to buy some food for the week (he manipulated me into spending $500 earlier this month).  So I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he said he didn't know... .   Orange Juice maybe.

So I went to the store... .   orange juice was way too high.  I bought two gallons of sweet tea (his favorite, because he wont drink tap water and rarely drinks water in general) and I bought a thing of guava mango juice.

I come home and he said that I failed to do the one thing he asked.  He drank some of the juice and said it tasted like crap.  He asked if I was going to cook dinner, because he doesn't cook.

I could only afford chicken as a meat.

So I made chicken, carrots, and potatoes.  He refers to it the "filth food" as he called it because the chicken had a bone.  So he proceeds to pour an entire jar of salsa into a bowl and I said not to use it all because I use it in stuff (it was a brand new jar).  He got mad and threw the bowl in the sink.  It broke and got salsa all over the kitchen.

He then went into the bedroom and locked the door... .   the bedroom is the only way to our bathroom.  He also had my phone in there.  I bang on the door and demanded to be let in.  He told me: "go away no one likes you".

I told him I would call the cops and he laughed and said I couldn't because he had my phone.  I told him I would go outside until I found one.  He said that he would destroy the apartment before I got back.

I finally got him to open the door.  We fought more he threatened to choke me and made comments about killing me in my sleep.  He came at me at one point, but I blocked him and he said he wasn't going to hurt me.

He blames me for not getting his medicine, because I didn't have gas money to go to the one drug store across town that his insurance is good at.

He called me a pig and filth and I left the room.

He has an outburst like this about once a month.

I just don't know what to do, because if I ask him to leave he will threaten or hurt me.  The more difficult I make his life here the more he will get angry and snap at me.

I know in his past girls called the cops on him and he has always come back and broke their windows amongst other things.  I can't move and I can't leave.  This is MY home.  I also worry he is going to hurt my pets, because that is one of his go to threats.  But I have decided ... .   pretty much to end it, but I don't know how.  The police as useless, because he will would rather kill me and have a suicide by cop than ever let them take him.


Sorry for the typos and tense issues, but its 3am and I am beat, but I am scared to go to bed.

[Surnia]

I feel so sorry, what you have to go through! 

I am very concerned about your safety. Did you ever consider to reach out for a Domestic Violence Helpline? I would strongly recommend this.

Please make notes what happened and keep your phone always with you.

[aggie04girl]

I feel so sorry, what you have to go through! 

I am very concerned about your safety. Did you ever consider to reach out for a Domestic Violence Helpline? I would strongly recommend this.

Please make notes what happened and keep your phone always with you.

They would probably tell me to go to a shelter or call the cops.  I refuse to leave my home and my belongs, but specifically my pets.  I also have a lot of heirlooms.  He would destroy them first.

[Surnia]

A DV Helpdesk are professionals who can help you also with a exit plan. I would give it a try.

[connect]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very bad.

I, like others, think you need to protect yourself.

I think that the first thing you should do is get your pets out of your house - tell him (if you need to) that they are being looked over by the vet or something and get them to a friends house. Get them somewhere where they can stay for a week in safety.

When you have that worry off your mind (I love animals too and know that fear of him hurting them must be paralysing you in this situtation) you know you can leave without worrying about what he will do to them.

Then you can follow your pets to a place of safety too. Perhaps you can go when he is out of the house - you dont need to forwarn him. Get some stuff packed ready of essentials. Him still being in your house is something you can address later from a stronger place out of the situation - that can be sorted later.

It sounds like you have done all you can here so please take care of yourself and your animals. Hope you are ok

Sending you good vibes! 

[lbjnltx]

Hi aggie04girl,

I understand that you want to protect your belongings and feel that he needs to be the one to leave.  I would feel the same way too.  As you know that is not always going to work out the way we believe it should.  While your possessions are precious to you they are not more important than your safety.  Right?

Since you want to stay to protect your belongings the best way to protect them and yourself is for the situations not to escalate to the point of violence.  Sometimes we can work that out and sometimes we can't... .   after all ... .   all we can control is ourselves.  Here is some info that can set you on a course to reduce conflict:

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

How to stop circular arguments

Arguing - don't engage

I understand that your plan right now is to exit the relationship.  The info in those links can help keep you and your possessions safe while you work the steps to disengage.  Safely disengaging is taught in the Lessons on the Leaving Board.  Is this something you want to do?

What do you think?

lbjnltx

[aggie04girl]

ts not just stuff... .   this is my home and I will damned if a man is going to force me out.  Sorry strong Texas woman thing... .   we don't leave.  He scares me, but more than anything I scared of how bad I can make his life if I involve the police.  I don't want to be cruel and uncaring to his mental health issues, because he has dealt with the system and being lost in it his whole life.

[lbjnltx]

ts not just stuff... .   this is my home and I will damned if a man is going to force me out.  Sorry strong Texas woman thing... .   we don't leave.  He scares me, but more than anything I scared of how bad I can make his life if I involve the police.  I don't want to be cruel and uncaring to his mental health issues, because he has dealt with the system and being lost in it his whole life.

I get it aggie, I'm a strong TEXAS woman too!  Born and raised and still working cattle to this day.  Other TEXAS traits are being straight  forward, using our common sense and being somewhat stubborn.

I think that involving the authorities is pretty far down the list of resources.  What we don't want to see  happen to you (or him) is for it to get to that point.  I think you will see that-- as well as the logic and reason when you read the information in the links I provided.

You mention that his other girl friends have had to endure a lot of fall out when the relationship ended... .   that's why we have the lessons on the Leaving board... .   to detach from the relationship so that both of you can move on safely.

[aggie04girl]

Well since you are in Texas do you know if there are any assisted living places free or low cost), because if we break up he has no where to go.  He has no family and no friends.

Also I exercise most of of the things you listed already, but he gets pissed at me without me doing anything and just starts ranting at me, even if I say nothing or do not engage him.  In fact he was trying to start a fight last night in the car and because I wouldn't engage he kept going on his own getting angrier and angrier.

[lbjnltx]

Yep, sent you info on resources by PM.

Is there ever any calm time to talk to him?  Let him know in advance what your boundaries are what you will do when he escalates?

[aggie04girl]

No he is completely on edge. I think he is having a schizophrenia episode on top of all this so yeah he is just going to snap unless I completely avoid him all together.

[lockedout]

Don't worry about your stuff or your house. Just follow the links the other posters have given you and make an exit plan. A vet's office, animal shelter should be able to take the pets. A place that boards animals will probably take them free of charge once you explain the situation - they tend to be animal lovers and will forgo money over you leaving them with someone who has threatened to kill them. The crisis management people deal with these situations frequently and should be able to guide you in the right direction toward getting him out. Your possessions are just stuff and can be replaced. Damage to your house can be repaired. If he's making comments about killing you in your sleep, it's safe to assume he's capable of it. You may get him calmed down at some point but then he actually follows through with it because his steak isn't cooked right.

If you're his life support system, he'll have to leave eventually. You can probably get a restraining order for what he's said and what's happened. Not that I would go back to the house any time soon, but what happens when he interacts with the cops is his problem. We're adults; mental illness or not we're responsible for our actions. Hopefully hell do just enough to get himself locked in a cage for a few years. This guy is dangerous. Screw the house and then heck with your stuff for now. 

[connect]

Hi Aggie,

How are you doing?

I can tell you are a strong Texas woman and now is the time to use that strength. Use that strength to save yourself and your pets.

How about looking at it from a less final staNPDoint. Get your pets and yourself to a friends house. Tell him your friend is having a crises and you need to stay there for a few nights. Tell him the pets are with you so he doesnt have to look after them. The idea of the animal shelter / vets is a good one from the other poster. But tell him this AFTER you have gone. Once away you will feel safe and so will your animals. Then you will feel clearer and can decide your options.

Use your strength to get the animals and you to safety.

Good luck - keep posting. 

[aggie04girl]

Don't worry about your stuff or your house. Just follow the links the other posters have given you and make an exit plan. A vet's office, animal shelter should be able to take the pets. A place that boards animals will probably take them free of charge once you explain the situation - they tend to be animal lovers and will forgo money over you leaving them with someone who has threatened to kill them. The crisis management people deal with these situations frequently and should be able to guide you in the right direction toward getting him out. Your possessions are just stuff and can be replaced. Damage to your house can be repaired. If he's making comments about killing you in your sleep, it's safe to assume he's capable of it. You may get him calmed down at some point but then he actually follows through with it because his steak isn't cooked right.

If you're his life support system, he'll have to leave eventually. You can probably get a restraining order for what he's said and what's happened. Not that I would go back to the house any time soon, but what happens when he interacts with the cops is his problem. We're adults; mental illness or not we're responsible for our actions. Hopefully hell do just enough to get himself locked in a cage for a few years. This guy is dangerous. Screw the house and then heck with your stuff for now. 

Actually some of the "Stuff" as you call it is not replaceable.  I am historian and I hold all our family history records and items.  This includes my late grandmother's hand written cookbook, several quilts made of generations of my families clothing, boxes of irreplaceable photographs, and other priceless items.  So not its not just stuff and this is MY home.  I am not letting him cost me large sums of money.  If he tried to kill me I would fight back. The one thing on my side is he is scared to death of jail and scared to death what my father (he is a well known hunter) and my law enforcement (one of which is a Federal Officer) relatives would do to him.  I will not leave my home, and while I can easily have him taken out of my life at any moment my concerns are not so much about my well being, but rather his homelessness(I don't want to do that to him) and the safety of my stuff.

[aggie04girl]

Hi Aggie,

How are you doing?

I can tell you are a strong Texas woman and now is the time to use that strength. Use that strength to save yourself and your pets.

How about looking at it from a less final staNPDoint. Get your pets and yourself to a friends house. Tell him your friend is having a crises and you need to stay there for a few nights. Tell him the pets are with you so he doesnt have to look after them. The idea of the animal shelter / vets is a good one from the other poster. But tell him this AFTER you have gone. Once away you will feel safe and so will your animals. Then you will feel clearer and can decide your options.

Use your strength to get the animals and you to safety.

Good luck - keep posting. 

No offense, but I think that the solution of me leaving is cowardice.  I have more resolve and tact than that.  I wont just abandon a person I was in a relationship with for over three years.  I want to find a way to get him to leave and to have a place for him to go.  I do not want to leave my home or throw a surprise at him.  He will snap if I do that and that is not right.

[momtara]

I think we all understand the feeling of not wanting to give up on a person like this, or give up on the relationship, especially when we love them and feel sorry for them.  At the same time, if you feel your pets could be in danger, or you could be, you have to figure out if he would cross the line.

Many of us know what the limits are.  You said he gets like this about once a month.  So in a way, you can kind of control the situation - just wait until it ends, and walk on eggshells.  I did that myself.  The question is how long you think you can handle it, an whether it will cross a line.

In the meantime, you can carry a well concealed tape recorder to tape any of his threats, should you ever need to get a restraining order against him.  That might get him out of the house, but I know you don't want to go that far.  Still, it could at least offer you a little protection.

You could have a lawyer send him a letter.  Maybe?

Or wait until his episode passes, and say you need to go to counseling. 

It's easy for people on this board to tell you to just leave.  And if you are in danger, you do have to have an exit strategy... .   but if you think he is all talk and no action, just scheme and prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Some hospitals have mobile crisis units that will come evaluate someone who is having an episode.  See if they are available in your county and how high the standard is for them to force him into treatment.

[lbjnltx]

Actually some of the "Stuff" as you call it is not replaceable.  I am historian and I hold all our family history records and items.  This includes my late grandmother's hand written cookbook, several quilts made of generations of my families clothing, boxes of irreplaceable photographs, and other priceless items.  So not its not just stuff and this is MY home.  I am not letting him cost me large sums of money.  If he tried to kill me I would fight back. The one thing on my side is he is scared to death of jail and scared to death what my father (he is a well known hunter) and my law enforcement (one of which is a Federal Officer) relatives would do to him.  I will not leave my home, and while I can easily have him taken out of my life at any moment my concerns are not so much about my well being, but rather his homelessness(I don't want to do that to him) and the safety of my stuff.

I can see why you would not want to jeopardize these family treasures.  Would an option be to secure them outside of your home?  Perhaps another family member could keep them safe for you for a while or a trusted fellow historian?  Could you contact The Museum of Science and History for resources to archive them for protection?

It is about taking proactive steps and problem solving... .   using your power where you have it.

Being a strong TEXAS woman and an intelligent one at that, finding yourself in the victim role (feeling powerless over your own life) is not something that sits well! Take back your power through solutions and diminish the issues one by one.

I often think of it in terms of minimizing risk... .  

What say you aggie?

[crazylife]

I have been reading this thread with much interest. I too, have pets I will not leave and have no family of friends that can manage them. I also have many other issues, that arent the same but preclude me from leaving now. I finally was able to get away from  the drama mentally  enough to  create an exit strategy for myself, my animals and my belongings. It is very self empowering to feel like you have a way out,  even if you dont  take it immediately. You want to win the war, not just the battle. There are too many other battles before you reach the end.

My mom finally was  able to understand my situation to some degree. I have enlisted her with some help. The advice to move the small items is a good one. They have climate controlled storage units you could place things in for safety. Have your heirlooms moved there temporarily. Since they are yours  and the house is yours, you really dont owe him an  honest explanation of where there are going. Say you are getting the house painted or something. If you were dealing with  someone rational it wold be different.

As far as he goes, is he taking his meds as prescribed? Going to any kind of therapy?  Those are both great reasons for him to leave the house so your stuff can be relocated if that will be a trigger for him. Schi

zophrenia is difficult alone but can be managed with meds. BPD as we all know  is also  a nightmare. If he is delusional I am not sure how all of the lessons here  will work in that situation. I am not in Texas however in my home state they have low cost living places for people with mental illness. Here, the squeaky wheel  gets the grease. So politely bug them and go  to the top. Write your governor... . I have gotten some amazing results by writing a very concise letter of the problems and the needs,as well as the road blocks I have met.

Best of luck to you. I hope you are able to keep everyone,and everything safe in your life.

[crazylife]

I dont think hurting someone that has 2 mental illnesses would be better than hurting one. While I am sure we have all had "those days" where we  have entertained some really bad ideas The fact we can control our emotions gives us a distinct advantage life.

Making decisions for our future that we can live with I would  hope would be a better choice.By getting feedback here I hope she is able to make some informed decisions about her situation so she can move  forward.

[aggie04girl]

An update... .  POT keeps the crazy at bay.

I hate the smell and its a risk, but he is such much calmer, focused, and happy with pot.

[Surnia]

Self medication with pot... .  not so seldom... .  

What about you? How are you doing?

[pale-blue-eyes]

Aggie,

The title of your thread caught my eye and I just had to respond. I am in a situation that mirrors yours almost exactly. The house my H and I rent belongs to my family and were are broke broke broke. At the lowest point in our relationship things did get violent, and that is something that i never ever thought would happen. He gets angry but I never thought he would hit me, and the worst part was he was so disassociated during this episode that he didn't even remember touching me. When I showed him the massive busing on my arms and legs he had no idea that it was because of him. He also threatened to commit suicide many times. I too said/thought "this is my house and I'm not leaving, if he wants to fight then I'll fight" but in the episode described above, he vastly overpowered me. I am a strong woman, I know how to fight and protect myself (I know how to shoot and use a knife) and thought I would be able to defend myself, but that episode made me realize just how powerless I could become. I share this story (which I actually haven't shared with anyone) because I want you to realize just how quickly things can get out of control and that you can be rendered powerless in seconds.

One of the main turning points for me was when I realized that I was/am an excessive caregiver (which some of your posts suggest since you are the one worried about where he is going to live and your the one going to seek out the info for him) and when I realized that I had been in an abusive relationship the entire time. Abuse is not only physical, it can be emotional, mental, financial, etc. I would suggest to research the different types of abuse, it was a big eye opener for me.

Yes you need to protect yourself, as others have suggested find somewhere to store your family heirlooms and someone who can watch your pets. You do need an exit plan, at the very least it gets you thinking about the actual logistics of leaving. I wish you the very best and hope you can resolve this situation while avoiding violence. Please be safe. . .

[dickL]

hey agggie girl, uBPDw of 35yrs is much the same . we have an adult mentally handicapped S that lives w/us, pets , nice home. son and my T's agree uprooting my son at this point could lead to much damage for S. . she has threatened to burn us alive in our sleep, have friends assault us , break things , throws heavy objects at us , a temper tantrum . police have been called twice by me once being her attempted suicide outwardly in total denial. i too refuse to bail on my son , my home , pets , or my very ill wife . we have no one to help, not many want responsIbility for handicapped S . and i have chronic health issues . she keeps running away to dallas to her childhood sweetie , her happiness . we needed space, even though it's same old behavior for her, she's been gone 5wks this time nc. so our home isn't a dangerous place currently. like it or not she'll return , my job is to learn how to not return fire but show honest empathy, not scorn and yet protect S and me . court ordered evaluation or restraning orders are not out of the question in the future. i talked w/lawyer he said divorce was not a good solution , force sale of home , uprooting S. independence for him is goal. i understand the desire to not be  dislodged from your  home , talk to an attorney and protect yourself .