What now?

[MockingbirdHL]

I'm still looking for answers, still waiting for them too

DBPDH left 24 days ago. Overwhelmed. Doesn't know what he wants etc.

Five days of NC.

Short text on Day 6.  Asking if I want up get together and talk the next day.

Day 8. Five hours of "talking". He thinks he wants a divorce. He's overwhelmed. Then he's not sure. Second-guessing his decision. I am supportive, understanding, non-defensive. He leaves again.

Days 9 - 10 very LC. Unemotional texts letting me know where he is for work (out of town).

Days 11 - 13 email asking me questions. Two long heartfelt emails from me to him. Nothing much in response. Then texts accusing me of infidelity (of course with no factual basis, only his "evidence" and then hours later "I don't know what to think anymore".

Day 14 - email to the same effect. Doesn't know what to think, asks my feelings. My email says I've stated my feelings very clearly and we need to talk either alone or in a neutral environment with T.

Day 15 - Five more hours of talking. No mention of divorce this time. He's still overwhelmed. Thinks he can't do everything he needs to do. Again I am supportive, understanding and non-defensive. He wants to try and work things out. He stays.

Day 16 - 19 - he's home with us. It's good. Not great, not wonderful, but good. Family projects, dinners out etc.

Day 20 - he goes silent. I get home from work and he's gone. Washing machine and dryer on; no sign of him. I call. No answer. He calls back. He's overwhelmed. Doesn't know if he can put himself and us through this anymore. Talking about he knows how he felt when his brother committed suicide. Without panicking the best I can I ask him to come home. He doesn't.

Day 21 - phone call is accusatory; mean, irrational, cruel. I come home work and most of his clothes and personal effects are gone. Half the money in our bank accounts is gone.  He opens his own account and begins calling around to change his address.   I send a text before I go to bed letting him know I love him. No response.

Day 22 - one text about a bill. More changing of addresses. I send another late night text letting him know I'm here for him. No response.

Day 23 - the following text exchange:

Him - When I spoke to Dr T [ his psychiatrist] she told me I was reacting on emotion and I believe she was right. I'm coming off that emotional rush now. Just wanted to let you know.

Me - that's good to hear. I'm here whenever you're ready to talk.

Him - thanks

Me - you're welcome.

Day 24 - one text. Letting me know he's headed out of town for work. I texted back ok I love you.

This is killing me ... .  Not sure how much more of this I can take. He'll be out of town today through Monday night or Tuesday morning. Then back for five days before leaving again for work. I wish someone could tell me how long this is going to go on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tiff]

That sounds really hard.  You're being very kind and loving and generous with him.  What do you want for *you* in this?

[MockingbirdHL]

Tiff - I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be supportive.

I want to scream when is he going to try and understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, what I need?  But there's no point.

I'm trying really hard to accept this is the disorder.

I want to scream what about me?  What kind of MAN leaves his family like this as if they were nothing?  Walks away from all his responsibilities?  Because he's overwhelmed!  You don't think that I am overwhelmed?  Hurt?  Scared?  Disappointed?  Devalued? 

But there's no point because right now (and I guess always) it's all about him. He doesn't care how I feel. I doubt it's even entered his mind.

I wonder sometimes if he loves me or ever did. He says it but this is hardly showing it.

[arabella]

Omg - you're living my life! I'm further down the same road. I think I could take bits of your conversations, switch the names, and it would be my dBPDh and I. Overwhelmed, can't do this anymore, can't put me through this, can't be what I need, wants a divorce, doesn't know anything right now, needs space, we should try to work things out, it will never work out everything is too damaged, it's all too much pressure, he can't take it anymore, he has to think of himself right now, he needs space to get well, he's confused, he's angry, he still loves, he's not in love with me... .  

Tiff - I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be supportive.

I want to scream when is he going to try and understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, what I need?  But there's no point.

I'm trying really hard to accept this is the disorder.

I want to scream what about me?  What kind of MAN leaves his family like this as if they were nothing?  Walks away from all his responsibilities?  Because he's overwhelmed!  You don't think that I am overwhelmed?  Hurt?  Scared?  Disappointed?  Devalued? 

But there's no point because right now (and I guess always) it's all about him. He doesn't care how I feel. I doubt it's even entered his mind.

I wonder sometimes if he loves me or ever did. He says it but this is hardly showing it.

YES. 1000x YES! I keep saying it's a good thing I love him and understand that he's ill - because otherwise I'd probably have strangled him by now. No, not really, I'm non-violent - I would've just taken him to the cleaners in court. Seriously though.

In my case this sort of acute dysregulation/dissociation lasted for about 4.5 months (with some lead-in lesser dysregulation for another month prior). So a long time. Forever it seemed. I spent most of it (a) going crazy; (b) reading everything on this site; and (c) working desperately to 'detach with love' and end my codependency.

Fwiw - when he came back he did express regret that he hurt me. He said he was "too deep in [his] own head" to really deal with my feelings at the time but he was sorry about how he handled everything. Hey, it's something. I take what I can get these days.

[MockingbirdHL]

 I'm doing the same things ... .  Going crazy, reading everything I can on these boards (note it's 4am now) and trying to work out how I got myself here.

I don't know how you've handled this for 4.5 months.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Mockingbird,

Feeling for you  .

I am not familiar with your story, are you seeing a T at the moment? And who do you have around to support you? I can't imagine how tough it must be to be in that kind of limbo space you are in right now. Is it possible to work on the detaching and to focus on yourself? To do something self-nurturing everyday? You need to look after You at the moment, because you are important.

Love Blazing Star

[cult]

The limbo is the worst... .  I am in the middle of a similar hell with my partner, about to post in a moment... .  trying to remember to breathe and that I have to let this unfold... .  it's so hard, especially because we live together and the changes have been so sudden in my case. I can't imagine what you are going through. 

[MockingbirdHL]

I am trying my best to do things each day for myself; go to work, go to the gym, spend time with my D10, but its so hard.  Its so so hard.

I haven;t been seeing a T regularly - I had one, but she seems unsympathetic to my situation ... .  i.e. the last time I went to see her and she found out my H and I had gotten married she asked "IS your life a living hell?"  I said "Not all the time."  I didn't expect her to tell me what to do, but she basically says this is what you're signed up for, its your choice to stay or leave.  And I know thats the truth, but I am looking for help in handling it if I stay (or should I say if he stays).

The other T started out as his ... .  but I think I have seen her more times lately than he has.  I know he spoke to her on the phone once late last week.  I'm thinking I may need to go see her again this week because I do not feel like I am making any progress ... .  but how can I when I don't really know where I stand?

I've got relatives coming into town to stay with me this weekend who know NOTHING about this, and I am dreading all the questions etc.

I'm writing letters to him I will never send, just trying to get this all out of my head, but its not working.

[arabella]

The other T started out as his ... .  but I think I have seen her more times lately than he has.  I know he spoke to her on the phone once late last week.  I'm thinking I may need to go see her again this week because I do not feel like I am making any progress ... .  but how can I when I don't really know where I stand?

You do know where you stand - in limbo. You can make progress for yourself in that space. You can start to feel better about the not knowing. It is, as you said, "so so hard" (which I personally think is an understatement)!

How did I do it for 4.5 months? Uhh... .  I'm not even sure really. I took Blazing Star's advice. I spent time on myself. I had a few meltdowns. I learned to let go (this is still a work in progress, as with everything else). I called my sister so many times she started laughing before she even picked up the phone. I stopped asking myself what I did and came to accept that it wasn't about me at all - it was him and he was lost in his own head.

I really started shoving 'stuff' back at people. So, in the instance of questions from relatives, I learned to give them a short and sweet 'explanation' and then told them I didn't feel comfortable discussing it further. Done. I was surprised how simple it actually was, I'd assumed I'd get more push back. You could try something along the lines of, "H hasn't been feeling well. He's taken some time away for himself. D10 and I are missing him but we're supporting each other and we're doing okay. If anything changes or we need help, we'll let you know. Thanks for being here for us." The end. Repeat the same lines or bits as needed, even to the same people. Once they see you aren't adding any new info, they stop asking (thank heavens).

I wrote letters I never sent too. Looking at them now I'm really glad I didn't send them!

[MockingbirdHL]

Limbo sucks! I'm a planner by nature, and not having a "plan" is killing me. 

Unfortunately my family is about 9,000 miles away with a 15 hour time difference.  Probably a good thing for my sister or she would have been driven crazy by now.  My best friends are supportive and stand behind me, but they are so sick of this behavior too ... .  I feel like my co-worker needs a timer and should charge me abotu $60 an hour every time I go into her office to vent, complain or cry!  She'd be rich just from the last few weeks.

I'll take your advice on the answering questions from others.  The relative isn't mine, or his actually, I guess it's sort of mine be default, its actually my daughter's greataunt from her father's side of the family (my exH).  Confusing I know, but she has remained a big part of our life (from afar) even though her nephew and I have been divorced over 7 years.

I think I need to make another appointment with the T for this week.

[Blazing Star]

I think I need to make another appointment with the T for this week.

I am sorry to hear that your last T wasn't that sympathetic to your situation, that can't have been very validating. I hope your appointment this week focuses on you and how you can handle this time.

Keep doing things for yourself.

Love Blazing Star

[MockingbirdHL]

Blazing Star - I'm really trying. I'm just still so sad and scared. He's back to one unemotional text a day. I respond politely and let him know I am here for him or I love him or I miss him. Nothing. No response. As if it means absolutely nothing to him.

It's breaking my heart. Should I stop?  Is it making things worse or better?  I don't know.

[arabella]

It's breaking my heart. Should I stop?  Is it making things worse or better?  I don't know.

If it would make you feel better to stop, then stop. If it was making things worse for him, you would hear about it. If it is making things better for him he probably won't realize that until after he stabilizes (at least that's how it seems to go).

[MockingbirdHL]

Arabella - you're so right. I need to do what makes ME feel better and stop trying to figure out what does and doesn't make HIM feel better. I'm not sure he's say so if they were annoying him or making him mad.  I'm not sure he'd ever say Stop Texting Me.