Need help controlling my anger

[vboy]

I am angry that I am forced into a divorce and now will be going for full custody of children. I wanted things to work out, but due to the illness, she can't be rational, mature or reasonable. We are living together for now as I am not leaving the house as advised by MC. My goal is to be confident not angry or arrogant. Since she has had several forced hospitalizations for being a danger to herself and others it's not looking good for her. I expect another breakdown coming soon. Don't want the kids to have to deal with that. It's unfortunate the illness makes the person act like that. I know deep down inside her is a lot of pain and its the last way she wants to be acting. But it is what it is and I am done with letting her illness run the show. So I need some advice how to keep my cool.

[marbleloser]

The best way I know,is to walk away or leave(with the kids) when she blows up.And,keep a digital recorder running 24/7 when you're with her.That'll help you remain calm and give proof of her outbursts,plus if she ever calls the police claiming you're violent,you can let them listen to the recording.

[vboy]

That's sad and funny at the same time! It's also a good idea!

[marbleloser]

It's saved more than one person from false DV claims.   

Check your local laws also.It may be admissable in court depending on laws in your area.

[livednlearned]

You have filed for divorce and the MC recommended that you move out -- careful about listening to Ts when it comes to BPD divorces. Understandably, they want to make things as tolerable for both parties and help you psychologically as best they can. But divorcing a pwBPD is a very specific battle -- have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy. If you do nothing else, get that book. Eddy is a family law attorney and worked as a therapist for 20 years prior to jumping to law. You won't find a better resource than that for understanding how BPD functions in the court system.

There's also some great counsel here on these boards, especially since you are deciding to stay in the marital home:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

For Men: In addition to safety planning, it is important to protect yourself against false domestic violence arrest that can result in jail time and can be used against you in a future divorce or custody disputes. Thirty-one (31)states have mandatory arrest protocols - if the police are called, someone must be arrested. When arguments get heated, if you restrain your partner (even if she is kicking, throwing things) or if you push or hold her (even if she is blocking you from leaving the room or a the house), you are at risk of a domestic violence criminal charge if the police are called - even if you called them. If it becomes "he said" "she said" the male is far more at risk of being arrested. If you respond to stress by drinking, your risk goes up as it is harder to control your emotions, and the police will be less willing to listen to you. Prevention is the best tactic - read more by clicking the link below.

Check to see if you live in a state that goes by mandatory arrest, and get the name of a criminal law attorney so you have someone to call immediately in the (horrible) chance this happens to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

You'll hear advice to get a recording device a lot on these boards. Every state is different in terms of whether it is legal or not to covertly record someone. If my ex ever approaches me when no one is around, I pull out my phone and tell him I'm recording the conversation, and he immediately backs down. Even if you cannot use the recording in court (according to your state's laws), it is still a good deterrent to keep things from getting violent or out of hand.

Good luck to you, and sorry you're going through this. It sucks 

LnL

[vboy]

Yes it does suck.

[livednlearned]

Yes it does suck.

It also does get better. My son's mental health improved dramatically when we moved out, and I am, for the first time in a really really long time, genuinely happy. You will recover -- it takes a while, and the court issues are not insignificant, but I don't know anyone on this board in particular who regrets leaving the relationship, especially when kids are involved.

Get ready for lots of growth, too. Getting away from a pwBPD does amazing things for outlook on life, and on yourself.

[vboy]

Thanks a lot! That is encouraging. I am in the thick of it now and its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel now. I know its there though!

[ForeverDad]

Yes, it does get better - eventually.  Right now may be difficult, you've been walking in the dark in a long dark tunnel for a long time, but there is a glimmer in the distance, keep walking toward it despite the stones, mud, and traps along the way.  It WILL get brighter the farther you proceed.

I was one of those whose lawyer said, after I had called 911 and the police came, "Why weren't you - or one of you - arrested?"  Well, the Raging but Suddenly Calmed Before the Officers Mother was of the generally favored gender* and I who had called 911 had a sobbing child clinging to me who refused to go to his mother so I could 'step away' so the flummoxed officer just looked at me for a long moment then said, "work it out" and they left.

* Note that many of the wives and mothers here state they've had a hard time getting a listening ear too.  So perhaps the gender issue is not the only one.  It seems the misbehaving one seldom faces significant consequences and the properly behaving one gets no credit.

By the way, the #1 question the 911 operator had asked while the police were on their way was, "Have either of you been drinking or on drugs?"  So as mentioned above, limit those things, not only will you appear a better person (which may not mean very much at first) you'll also have far better self-control and composure.

Remember, family court may be a little bit concerned about the spousal conflict (adult behaviors) but they are far more concerned and responsive to how the children are treated and impacted (parenting behaviors).  I recall a couple times I called my children's services agency and reported my then-spouses rages and how our young child was impacted.  I was asked one question: "Was the rage directed at the child?"  When I answered No, I was told that spouses arguing in presence of the children wasn't actionable in my area and to call back if she started directing her rage at our child.  Officialdom. :'(