Roller Coaster

[cult]

Hi again,

I am coming to realize that my SO doesn't know what she wants or even who she is. I realize this is a hallmark for pwBPD, you could even say it is the textbook definition of this disorder. However, in her case these symptoms came out of the woodwork very suddenly. For 10 years she seemed stable. Is it possible for BPD to lie dormant for that long? Or for the idealization phase to last THAT long then suddenly divebomb into the devaluation stage?

In any case, I was quite sure the r/s was done as of yesterday afternoon. She had been blowing off my calls and texts. Then she calls on my way home from work, tells me she will see me tonight (a day sooner than I expected). I get home, she's there. She is depressed and crying. She tells me about her last couple of days. Then I tell her I am confused about what we are doing, she says that she is too. We talk and she says that she thinks we're each taking time to work on ourselves so we can come together again in a healthier partnership... . no mention of questioning her sexual orientation! WTH?

So I set a boundary with her (I think. I am still confused about boundaries). I told her that if she ever reached a point where she felt she needed to act on her feelings of attraction to men that I would be gone. I am OK with questioning (up to a point), but once a decision is made to explore, if that is what she needs to do, I am done. She said "so I would need to leave?" and I said yes. I then asked her point blank if she had anything she needed to say to me. She shook her head no and to be honest, I believe her. She's in really bad shape right now and I don't think she is cheating on me. Her time away from me is accounted for.

She is trying to find a job. She is applying at retail stores near where we live now. Her finding a job will help on multiple levels. But she is so unstable emotionally I don't know if she will be able to keep a job.

So last night with her went well. We are going to spend Saturday together and she will be at home the next couple of evenings. I am going to meet the new baby on Saturday. I am looking forward to it.

Me taking everything so personally + her being so unstable = bad news right now. I am trying to change what I can - myself - and I am having some success although I would like to have more and I can be disappointed that things are not going more smoothly than they are at the moment. It is going to be bumpy for a while. This I know... . it seems like every day is something different or new. If I am going to try to stay even for a little while longer, I will have to detach.

[bruceli]

Possible... . In some cases dosorders can be brought on by life's stresses and or some sort of trigger/trauma... .

[SadWifeofBPD]

I am coming to realize that my SO doesn't know what she wants or even who she is. I realize this is a hallmark for pwBPD

About 6 months ago, I learned that Dependent PD and BPD are very similar (one exception is that BPD's rage).

Both PDs involve people who are very dependent on others for decisions, care-taking, etc.  They really don't know what they want, even if they think they do.  I can't tell you how many times my H has said to me, "I'm glad that you talked me into going to X (or doing Y) because I thought that I wouldn't have like that, but I really did."   Their fears have them assuming that they won't like something.  They also have fears about the unknown to a greater degree than others.  I suspect that some/many of them rarely had their "comfort zones" stretched as young children (a mistake on their parents' part)

For 30 years, I have been my H's "rock".  He's depended on me to take care of him (of course, only up to a point.)    But, now I've been painted "permanently black" so he's now relying on his ill-informed brother to be his "rock".  (his brother wanted this role and really "campaigned" for it.)   He's following his brother's instructions like an obedient child to a parent.  It's so extreme (without rages) that I actually wonder if it's possible to be DPD with one person (his brother) and BPD to me and others?

[ComoLu]

I had no idea my uxBPDH had any serious problems for 32 yrs.  He took a high stress job out of state.  He became lonely and started self medicating with alcohol.  When he started drinking regularly, it didn't take long for the demons to come out.  I had no idea until after he left.  Looking back now, I see that there were red flags from the beginning of our relationship, and my therapist was appalled by some of the things that I had considered normal or just quirky.  You may discover the same.  The more aware you are, the better you can handle your situation, and the more the tools here will help you because each of us here is living with both common and unique problems.  Stay strong, and I wish you much luck.  The road is long and can be very difficult.