Professionals playing with our lives

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi  

As many of you may know that my daughters baby is due in two weeks now. She has a team of people around her watching her. She was given a social worker for the baby just to make sure things go ok when he arrives.

Dd agreed to work with them, well, she has no choice really.

The problem is they keep messing things up, she had a social worker that came round once, asked dd questions that were hard for her to talk about. Then she went away to do her report, then about a month later she got another social worker who wanted to come over to dds house to visit her, dd made a big deal about tidying up and cleaning her place and I came to meet her too, anyway, to cut long story, this happend 3 times alltogether.

Finally, a week ago we met the third social worker, she came to visit, I came too. She said she was sorry that she hadnt read dds notes so could dd tell her why she is on this 'plan' So yet again dd had to go through lots of things about her BPD stuff. Thing is dd lied really, said she hadnt been ill for about 2 years now and she is feeling fine and everything is so good for her.

Social worker said she couldnt understand why dd was on this plan and that she was going to try to get her off it because she is so fine and she also has a lot of support, she basically believed every word dd said. I thought maybe she wasnt that stupid and maybe it was a way of seeing if dd would be honest.

Social worker left and said she would be coming over every two weeks to do spot checks.

Dd liked her, and I thought she seemed ok.

Two days later dd gets a call from some unknown person saying she is dds new social worker and she is coming over to see dd. Dd said no you are not I have R as my social worker. So you cant come and visit me.

We thought nothing more of that, but then she rang again 3 days later saying the same thing.

Dd was so distressed, said she cant cope with yet another new person, her P is also leaving and she just cant do this. She said she will refuse to work with them not. She cant do that though, it is not an option.

Sorry this is so long, this is the bit really that I want to say

First of all, this can be a trigger for people with BPD, why are they trying to do this to her  

The other thing is, I rang social services and spoke to R, the social worker who hadnt bothered to read dds notes. I asked her if she believed my dd, she said she had no reason not to. I asked her if she had ever worked with BPD she said she had a very small knowledge of it.

She kind of said in a brash way, why couldnt  I have told her the truth in front of dd. I explained that it would have upset her and I have a close relationship with her and dont want to loose her again. I told her that I understand BPD and that is not the best way of working with her.

So I now feel that I have gone back 5 years trying to make professionals listen and understand.

Oh by the way, she then said, now you have told me this, I am really worried and will have to report to my manager and maybe we need to take the baby away. What an idiot. I said I have not told you anything that is not in her notes and you do not need to report this as they all know. No one is thinking of taking the baby from her, they have no reason to.

So horrible and unprofessional, how can I trust them to do the right thing by our family.

They are playing with our lives. I cant tell dd about that call because it will really upset and worry her

She is so excited about her baby, the last thing I want to do is worry her.

Sorry to go on, these things are never easy to cut short. Im now thinking the less we say the better and get SS off our backs.

I was hoping they were going to support us but looks like I cant trust them.

[heronbird]

Hi  

As many of you may know that my daughters baby is due in two weeks now. She has a team of people around her watching her. She was given a social worker for the baby just to make sure things go ok when he arrives.

Dd agreed to work with them, well, she has no choice really.

The problem is they keep messing things up, she had a social worker that came round once, asked dd questions that were hard for her to talk about. Then she went away to do her report, then about a month later she got another social worker who wanted to come over to dds house to visit her, dd made a big deal about tidying up and cleaning her place and I came to meet her too, anyway, to cut long story, this happend 3 times alltogether.

Finally, a week ago we met the third social worker, she came to visit, I came too. She said she was sorry that she hadnt read dds notes so could dd tell her why she is on this 'plan' So yet again dd had to go through lots of things about her BPD stuff. Thing is dd lied really, said she hadnt been ill for about 2 years now and she is feeling fine and everything is so good for her.

Social worker said she couldnt understand why dd was on this plan and that she was going to try to get her off it because she is so fine and she also has a lot of support, she basically believed every word dd said. I thought maybe she wasnt that stupid and maybe it was a way of seeing if dd would be honest.

Social worker left and said she would be coming over every two weeks to do spot checks.

Dd liked her, and I thought she seemed ok.

Two days later dd gets a call from some unknown person saying she is dds new social worker and she is coming over to see dd. Dd said no you are not I have R as my social worker. So you cant come and visit me.

We thought nothing more of that, but then she rang again 3 days later saying the same thing.

Dd was so distressed, said she cant cope with yet another new person, her P is also leaving and she just cant do this. She said she will refuse to work with them not. She cant do that though, it is not an option.

Sorry this is so long, this is the bit really that I want to say

First of all, this can be a trigger for people with BPD, why are they trying to do this to her  

The other thing is, I rang social services and spoke to R, the social worker who hadnt bothered to read dds notes. I asked her if she believed my dd, she said she had no reason not to. I asked her if she had ever worked with BPD she said she had a very small knowledge of it.

She kind of said in a brash way, why couldnt  I have told her the truth in front of dd. I explained that it would have upset her and I have a close relationship with her and dont want to loose her again. I told her that I understand BPD and that is not the best way of working with her.

So I now feel that I have gone back 5 years trying to make professionals listen and understand.

Oh by the way, she then said, now you have told me this, I am really worried and will have to report to my manager and maybe we need to take the baby away. What an idiot. I said I have not told you anything that is not in her notes and you do not need to report this as they all know. No one is thinking of taking the baby from her, they have no reason to.

So horrible and unprofessional, how can I trust them to do the right thing by our family.

They are playing with our lives. I cant tell dd about that call because it will really upset and worry her

She is so excited about her baby, the last thing I want to do is worry her.

Sorry to go on, these things are never easy to cut short. Im now thinking the less we say the better and get SS off our backs.

I was hoping they were going to support us but looks like I cant trust them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Dear Heron Bird:  I am so sorry about all of this mess, at what should be a time of anticipation and excitement for your dd and the whole family.  But I am confused about the law in the UK.  Could they actually "take the baby away" at this point?  With nothing but dd's history to justify it?  And if they could (I pray they could not!) where would they take the baby?  Would her grandparents or her husband not have some rights here?  In the US it is now quite difficult to "take a baby away"---without good cause, court hearings, etc, etc,.  As a matter of fact, there are so few resources for placement that most often if it does happen, attempts are made at placement with other family members.   And that is after some pretty serious infractions.  Tell us how it works in the UK, and know that we are hoping that all of this is just talk, and you can get on with the joyful business of welcoming a new little one into the family.  Sending you        Swampped

[vivekananda]

Gee HB, is there anyone you could 'call on' to be advocates for you? Is there a mental health ombudsmen? What about a local politician?

I think it could be helpful if you did know more about the processes of the 'child welfare system'. If the social workers are local council employed, what about the manager of their department? Aren't all the people on your dd's case employed by different bodies and responsible to different authorities? To have so many different social workers on the case sounds clumsy to say the least - I would want to speak to their boss.

I would suggest to you that if a social worker suggested they may want to remove the baby, that this should be reported to 'the boss' the social worker's manager, and an explanation asked for. In asking for that explanation, I would be asking, how does the social worker saying that help us? Isn't the role of the social worker to help us and work in the best interests of this baby? How does 4 different social workers who don't read the notes and threaten removal help this?

Anyway, I would try to get me an advocate who could help me talk to these people, someone who understands mental health and so on.

let us know how it goes,

Vivek      

[heronbird]

Thanks swamped and Viv

All sorted now. Yes its true, they cant and wont take baby but she threatened it, and she did that without even reading dds notes or knowing anything about BPD.    What a mess, they are just incompetent.

I wrote a long email to the manager of SS and she replied saying that its all sorted and she is sorry, the social worker couldnt believe I sorted it, she said I must have written a good email as they never listen to people.

I dont think I did but I was so angry so maybe it was an ok email, surprise it was long though haha.

The plan is if dds ok they will discharge her when she has had baby after assessment, she will go home and have at least three different professionals popping round not at the same time. If dd gets symptoms of anything after having the baby then I will have him, thats plan B, or mother and baby unit.

After SW threat, I have asked her for a list of family solicitors just in case, I dont trust them one bit. They are not having the baby, no way, never

Looking forward to it a bit more now, 6 days till due date, dd doing ok, tired all the time and bad back, she is all prepared though, nice stuff for baby.

Its dds birthday in 10 days so maybe they will share the same birthday.

[vivekananda]

well done HB 

there are indeed some jerks around.

I'll be waiting to hear how it goes for you all. Good luck girl 

best wishes,

Vivek    

[angeldust1]

Wow Heron,

You are certainly a victim of the system.  What an idiot.  First of all she needs to be off the case.  If she has little knowledge of BPD,  she will certainly screw things up.  When I first went to counseling I asked every therapist I called,  if they specialized in BPD,  and didn't stop till I found one.  I don't know,  but it seems you have a good case to report to whom ever is head of this orgainzation. 

Yes,  they are playing with your lives,  maybe not intentionally,  but if you don't protect BPD from them,  they will set her back years too.  I would definitely go to the top if that is possible,  or at the very least report this string of idiots.

I am so very sorry,  your are going through this,  and with a new baby coming that is about the most stressful time in a new  mothers life,  she surely doesn't need any added (excuse me) CR$P from this orgainization.   

I will keep you in my prayers

angel

[angeldust1]

Good Heron,

I just read the other replies,  I'm so happy they cannot take her baby.  I really didn't think they could. 

there are so many cases this is just one in a million and they really have no place for children that are not in emenant danger.   Besides could they really put this infant in a  better place than where it will be... .  probably not... .

angel

[heronbird]

Well, they are useless really, this is what I have to deal with all the time.

Id never let them get the baby, they will ruin it if they do. Ill have to come over and live with one of you far away from here before they get it haha.

Actually, I feel very strongly about this. I often have quoted attachment theory to them if they ever mention anything, but I think they all realise that it messes up peoples lives if they are taken away from their mum. So only do it if necessary.

We have had a couple of problems in UK in the past where they have not taken babies away when they should have and they died horrible deaths, now they are scared because they know they will loose their jobs if they dont listen to people and see signs.

Problem is, this is now social services, they do not know much about BPD because they dont just specialise in mental health I believe. However, in my area Mental Health have started some basic teaching sessions and one of them is called Understanding BPD. I sent her the flyer and told her it would be good for her to attend this as she is going to be working with my dd.

Im still furious that she threatened me like that. I want to have it out with her, hope I will when I get chance.

What I wanted to say really was, Imagine if I was not involved, you can see how bad this whole thing could have gone.

If they changed the social worker again without telling dd, that made her upset, plus the fact her P has just left. Dd feels she is loosing all these workers and has to explain her situation and past traumas to all the new workers all over again.

If I had not intervened then she would refuse to co operate with them, because she is so frustrated then they would have ended up doing anything they like to her how would this have all gone.

You see many people with MH who families gave up on them, where do they end up   Im glad I can help her and I want to encourage all of you that you are your loved ones rock even though they dont show it.

You may feel they hate you but I do believe we can make such a difference and all the people on here are really trying

[vivekananda]

I reckon HB that you can really turn around that relationship you have with the social worker. That you could have a strong positive relationship and work together with her for your dd. After all these people do this sort of work because they care for and want to help people. They need to be extra careful when working with children and it is in our best interests that they are.  Imagine if you were a social worker and you were the one who didn't take the child from a dangerous home... . how could you live with yourself? It is a really hard job they do.

cheers,

Vivek  

[heronbird]

Can you believe it, the social worker came to my home yesterday to see me and dh and check out our house. She was also making sure we had enough room to have baby should things turn out for the worse, its just a plan B really.

The thing that annoyed me was that she started by saying her manager had asked her to find out why dd has had such bad problems in her life, she said," Wasnt it because she had a bad relationship with you two?" Oh my gosh, is that why people get mental health issues.

So we have to go back to day one all over again, just when I thought we had got so far  

I hope I put her straight, I told her that sounds like no ones read the notes again, it does not say that anywhere, we had a good relationship always dd had brilliant life.

Gosh, I dont want them thinking that we caused BPD as if we could aaaaaaaarg.

So, at the moment, its harder working with the health people than my dd with BPD haha. Do I need to do a course on how to work with these people now. Gosh.

Still no baby, due on Friday, dd looking so so good, so nice to see. It was worth me saving her life wasnt it. She seems so happy, not only that, her dh is giving her good rules and she is listening to him haaaa can you believe that

  Long may it last  

[Reality]

Dear heronbird,

You are such a rock for your daughter.  It is wonderful that she is doing well.

I love reading your posts, full of wisdom, common sense and honest appraisal. 

I think your perspective is so important as a role model for others.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Thanks Reality, you are so encouraging