Sad day today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've fallen into a sad rut.  I've maintained strong LC or NC boundaries with my uBPDex for the past 6 weeks, and they're waivering.  I saw the shirt he wore on the first "date", the exciting time when I thought all would be fixed in my life.  That was 7 years ago. 

Where is my resolve?  Where is the logic?  Have I not just come out of hell and back?

But I'm missing the part of my ex that I dreamed he would be, and seemed to be from time to time.  The part of him he gives so willingly to others as a helping friend, but he clams up when it comes time to being vulnerable with me.  It's just so sad.

I think I saw for the first time today that some part of me was always hoping to help him see his distorted thoughts about not being loved.  That a part of me wanted to save him.  And I wanted him to see that *I* was saving him.  So he really knew that I loved him.  (and as most of you know - it didn't work).  I hadn't seen that before.

Thanks for reading.  Hoping this will pass.  It's hard to concentrate on studying when you're sad.

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

I've fallen into a sad rut.  I've maintained strong LC or NC boundaries with my uBPDex for the past 6 weeks, and they're waivering.  I saw the shirt he wore on the first "date", the exciting time when I thought all would be fixed in my life.  That was 7 years ago. 

Where is my resolve?  Where is the logic?  Have I not just come out of hell and back?

But I'm missing the part of my ex that I dreamed he would be, and seemed to be from time to time.  The part of him he gives so willingly to others as a helping friend, but he clams up when it comes time to being vulnerable with me.  It's just so sad.

I think I saw for the first time today that some part of me was always hoping to help him see his distorted thoughts about not being loved.  That a part of me wanted to save him.  And I wanted him to see that *I* was saving him.  So he really knew that I loved him.  (and as most of you know - it didn't work).  I hadn't seen that before.

Thanks for reading.  Hoping this will pass.  It's hard to concentrate on studying when you're sad.

H4E

[leftbehind]

I'm sorry you're sad, and I'm sending you love .  Give it more time, it's still so early for you after so long.  Would getting rid of the shirt make you feel like you've taken another step in moving on?

[Healing4Ever]

Hi LeftBehind - before the sadness hit, I would have been all over getting rid of the shirt - burning it even!  (the reason it's here though is that he hasn't taken all of his stuff out of our house yet).  But, in my sad rut, I feel myself bargaining.  Maybe he'll understand... . maybe he'll figure out his part... . maybe he'll learn how to be vulnerable... . maybe we can work it out.

Ugggh.  For 6 weeks I've been so sure.  Now this.  I feel stuck between 2 worlds.

Thanks for the love.      It's amazing how much it helps. 

H4E

[leftbehind]

I hit a snag at 6 weeks too.  I had a desperate urge to drive up to wherever he was and try to get him to communicate with me.  I had to call a friend up to stop myself.  Now those thoughts come a little less frequently.  Maybe there is something about the 6 week mark?  I don't know, but all I can tell you is I struggled a lot then too.  Still struggling, but it's getting a bit easier (at least for the moment).

[mango_flower]

Hi - I think it's normal.  Particularly if you've been doing well and moving on.  It's like, you haven't thought about it much in a while so it's all built up.

Things WILL get better again.

Sadness is normal, you are grieving for what you thought he was, the life you thought you were going to have.  It's be abnormal if you didn't!

This thing goes in stages.  A few days of blah, and then onwards and upwards. x

[Clearmind]

Healing, I know all too well how hard is. In time you will see it so clearly. We had such huge expectations from someone who is mentally ill - while this is the fact our emotions take some time to catch up.

Keep posting.

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks everyone.  You're all so right about the ups and downs- it's great to be able to come here to this board and find wisdom and understanding.

My head has cleared a bit today, and I woke up this morning understanding a couple of things:

1.  I can not (and couldn't) be safely vulnerable with him.  That's how I was feeling yesterday - vulnerable and sad.  Even though I wanted to see him, get a hug, whatever - I physically couldn't do it.  My gut tells me that on some level he LOVES it when I'm vulnerable, not because he can get to know me better, but it gives him the upper hand, and an opportunity for payback if he's mad.  I think that's the part that I finally decided I couldn't handle anymore.  It plays into the silent treatments etc.

2.  Why did it take soo long for *me* to figure this out and leave?  I think for me, the biggest thing is that I was not able to trust myself.  That I'm still struggling with trusting myself.  And I think that stems from having grown up with a BPD mother who denies EVER behaving inappropriately, and me desperately not wanting to be like her.  Blind to her own faults and hurting people so badly.  So I'm forever wondering if maybe I'm blind to my own contribution to a situation - and I'm willing to take it all on. 

Big stuff.  So grateful to finally be starting this healing journey from this r/s.  I was on the fence for soo long - hoping and waiting and praying.  Not a great place.  Onward and forward now.

H4E

[Validation78]

Hey Healing!

 

Trust in your instincts! You have all of the answers already. You know what is healthy and what is not. Stay your course, and know, you have a life ahead of you that can be all that you want! You are not alone. You are surrounded by love and support. Reach out when you feel sad, and believe in yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[leftbehind]

We had such huge expectations from someone who is mentally ill - while this is the fact our emotions take some time to catch up.

Perfectly said, Clearmind.

[standfree]

Sorry for your pain. Im at 6 weeks at the moment & just found out my exBPD is & was getting intimate with someone else, amongst other things. I was feeling okay for quite a while, until this week, i think seeing or hearing things about your ex triggers certain emotions in us, its very hard to focus on the every day to days things we have to try get on with. My thoughts & emotions change from guilt to anger to being ashamed to flows of tears, other people around me, just don't seem to understand, why im so miserable, so quite, not my normal self. I try & tell them things, but as they say "there is plenty more fish in the sea" which means get over it, there is more woman out there. Not really what i want to hear, they just dont understand, the pain inside me... .

[leftbehind]

me too, standfree.  he's even friending some of my female friends on facebook, and I know he's having sex with someone new.  I'm miserable.

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm in the same boat. I'm tired of hearing from my friends and family to just "pick someone new" ... . My feelings are so much deeper. People can be insensitive.