I'm feeling like H's PTSD is getting in the way of validating SD

[Pidge]

Does anyone else have a partner who seems to struggle with validating their kids because of PTSD with the ex?

My H is a good man, and very kind. I love him for this.

After 20 years with an ex who set up heads I win tales you lose games, he still gets anxious when dealing with the ex.

This means that in grey areas where mom wants something for SD16, but SD16 has a different preference and mom seems to be acting out of her own needs for control, my H's kneejerk is to side with mom because "she's the mom".

I give my opinion that I really want SD16 to be an independent human, and she should get her vote heard. And sometimes, she should get her own way on things, especially on things where there is no right or wrong answer, just preference.

This is easy for H within our own family, he values independence as well and doesn't force his own wishes on the kids. But it gets murky when mom starts wanting something, and she puts it forward in the tone that says "of course this is what's best, everyone knows that and if you disagree you are a bad father."  And then H tells SD16 "she's your mother" and finds reasons she should go along with her.

I'm going to give my opinion to H no matter what, I care about SD16 and have seen growth in her confidence since she's been with us the past few months. And I get a vote too. :-)

But after giving my opinion, that's it right? I've done what I can and I need to let go?

[DreamGirl]

Could you give a specific example? 

My husband doesn't suffer from PTSD after a long marriage to his ex-wife, but he does exist in a place where he prefers conflict resolution.  Sometimes it's just easier to let her have her way.

The big secret is that my husband could care less if his ex-wife calls him a bad father at any given moment. A.) It will most likely change tomorrow or the next time she needs something B) He's realized that it doesn't matter what he does - she'll assess these situations in black and white terms (if he disagrees with me and he is a good parent, that means I'm a bad parent).

So the hubs carefully words any disagreement to where she is not "wrong".

He knows he's a good Dad. He doesn't "need" her validation even though she may "need" his.

-DG

[Pidge]

Unfortunately, my H still cares a lot about what she thinks, not because he cares intellectually. He knows, in his head, that her judgment is ... . not good. Her opinions aren't based on reality but on projection. He likes his life better when she isn't in it.

But... . there is what a person believes in their head and entrenched emotional responses.

They were married at 19, and for most of their marriage, my husband was naïve enough, and she was convincing enough, that he believed her that her worldview was the correct one and that any sane person would see it this way. Brainwashing, cycle of abuse style.

She would latch on to his "flaws" (absentmindedness, forgetfulness, he's an engineer, and sort of the absentminded professor type) and use them as evidence that he was a *&^-up and didn't love her or the kids. She would blame him for all of her choices and unhappiness.

It wasn't until after she left that he began to see her no-win games for what they were.

But, the baggage is still there, and sometimes when I make requests or suggestions about the kids, he pushes back even when he agrees with me.

The most recent example is fairly minor:

This weekend kids are with us. We have a bunch of family activities planned for the long weekend.

Mom scheduled a driving lesson for SD16 during the weekend. SD16 said she didn't want to do it over the weekend. Dad's kneejerk was to explain why her mom was right.

I put in my 2 cents worth (with my H) that we want to encourage SD to have a vote in her own life, and that I'm happy for her to go do the drive if it's for her benefit and not for her mom's need to control.

My H's anxiety level started amping up because he doesn't want to be in the middle of this, although he agrees with me that we do need to help SD16 to have a voice, appropriately and respectfully. And because of mom's boundary issues, every time we send the message to SD16 that mom's needs come first is missed opportunity.

It's that reflex that mom is always right that bothers me.

Fortunately, after I posted this, I heard from my H that he talked with SD16 about it on the way to school, and SHE decided that the class this weekend is in her best interest because she wants to stay on track toward her goal of getting her license. Which is where the ownership should be, IMO. 

[marbleloser]

Keep validating your H Pidge. I had someone dear to me that did that and it helped immensly.He may be like myself.After 20 years,I began to question my own judgement,which was always good looking back at it.I bet he's doubting himself more than he's thinking his X is right.Keep building him up until he can acknowledge to himself that he can make good choices also.They're lucky to have you.