How to protect our son without invalidating H

[lizzie458]

dBPDh and I have a 1 y/o DS.  I work FT and on an opposite shift from DH so I am solely responsible for bedtime during the week.  Due to the stress of every day life, I never made a concerted effort to try to put DS down without a sleep association, I've just nursed him down.  He is kind of high needs and wakes frequently, but is fine if I'm there to nurse.  I am a proponent of attachment parenting, which is basedon the theory that the more securely a child attaches to his/her caregiver(s), the more emotionally healthy and independent they will become.  Makes perfect sense to me, especially looking at how DH was brought up and how his BPD came on - and how I was brought up and where my issues stem from.

DH wants to let DS cry it out - let him cry and scream in an isolated room until he realizes we are not coming for him, and falls asleep.  I doubt this would even work with our son, because he has been known to cry for hours in the car as if someone were murdering him   (we have had to take a long trip or two, and stopping to console him did not help).  Not to mention we currently bed share (again, because I have to work FT due to debt DH brought into the marriage), so that would be a huge change.

Due to the BPD, H is making this super personal and calling me a bad wife for not supporting him.  Also due to the BPD (I suspect), he can’t tell me why he wants to do this.  I have offered different solutions to different problems which could be driving his impulses (intimacy, sleep, etc.), but he keeps coming back to this and I believe it’s a classic BPD “I want it because I want it and if you don’t give it to me, I’ll hate you because it means you don’t love me”.  Research has shown that crying it out does leave a lasting effect on the fragile psyche of a child, and that can obviously lead to issues like…oh…BPD.  I don’t want to debate the issue here of crying it out, but I need some advice.  I don’t think it will solve any of our problems (because he doesn’t KNOW what problem he’s trying to solve, which leads me to believe he just wants to FEEL differently…which I don’t think this will accomplish), but I’d be willing to try it if I didn’t feel like it would cause serious emotional damage to our son.

I have validated his feelings till kingdom come, but he will not budge on this and is trying to force me to do what he wants.  H is particularly hot on this right now because he is dysregulating due to recent interactions with his parents, but this is not the first time we’ve had this discussion.  He says he’s not asking me to do it right now, but he wants me to swear that I will do it next year (?).  Since this is a no-win anyway, maybe I should just agree to it and put off the rage which may never come (our situation could change drastically by then).

For context, I am not leaving dBPDh due to religious reasons.

What would you do?

[mamachelle]

Hi lizzie458,

I'm an attachment parenting momma too. 

I have a D13 who I was breastfeeding until after 3 and it was driving my BPDH a little nuts at the time. She made the weaning and sleeping transition ok somehow... .  it's all a blur now... . but I was ready to wean as well. Me and BPDH have since divorced 8 years ago. I remarried 6 years ago and now have another S2 that I am still nursing and sleeping with.

I think trying to get him to sleep independently and wean at some point in the next year is reasonable. It is harder after they turn 2 I think. But hey, I am still doing it now at 25 mos and trying to figure out how to get him into his own bed as well.

My gut reaction is to agree to it to shut him up and then put it off as long as possible  You can validate him by saying, yes, I think both of us (me and DS) will be ready next year. I would guess he is just worried you will be nursing him forever.

I hope this helps. Ever see my Big Fat Greek Wedding?    I think most H's -- BPD or not-- all get a little freaked out by long nursing times. I really freaked out DH when I told him with D13 she was nursing and eating happy meals at the same time. Now so is S2 

mamachelle

[Blazing Star]

Hi LIzzie458,

I have been there too. Before my D (now 4) was born my partner wanted her in her own room from day 1. This went against every instinct in my body, and our relationship was very turbulent at the time, (unaware of BPD then). Luckily he brought this up with his T, who explained the importance of it attachment, and recommended the book "Love Matters". And we were able to agree to at least 6 months in our room and then see what happens. Likewise with the breastfeeding issue, he struggled (we fed til she was 3).

How I dealt with it at the time was gently, I found the more resistant I was to his preference then the harder he pushed. So I took the "This is really important to me, and this is why, tell me why it is important to you" approach, and agreeing to wait and see how things unfolded rather than make any definite decisions. This seemed to allow him to relax a little, and by the time came often it wouldn't be such a big deal. I think part of it was about him not 'losing' in a big way - if that makes sense?

I think in your shoes I would keep up with the validating, stick to my boundary and keep focused on the feelings.

YOU "Honey, I know you have been finding it hard with the whole sleep issue, and it must make it harder when it seems like your wife doesn't want the same things as you".

HIM "Yes, you don't want to let him sleep alone now. I am willing to accept that now, but you must swear that next year that you will"

YOU "It sounds like you are wanting some reassurance that the end is in sight. Let's see where we are next year. He may have decided on his own before then that he wants his own space. Shall we decorate his room/get new covers for his big boy bed (do other symbolic thing that feels like an action towards the direction your H wants) together this weekend?"

So hopefully he doesn't feel like you are winning and he is losing.

Do let us know how you get on, and what worked for you. I know it is tough! It is like having another child sometimes isn't it! You sound like a great mama!

Love Blazing Star

[momtara]

I had a similar issue with my H too.  He wouldn't listen to my reasons, and wouldn't articulate his own, either.  Then we split up and he wasn't around during the week to have a say in it.  (The issue was actually about something else related to bedtime, but similar).  I am compromising in that now that my son is getting older, I will probably do it his way.  But when he was younger, I wanted to do what I thought was best.

Sounds like your son isn't a great candidate for cry it out if he cries for hours.  Maybe when he's older he can be sleep trained better. 

[lizzie458]

You know how BPD's usually have a kernel of truth in their rages?  I started thinking about this and realized that our son is overtired a lot.  I know that he has certain issues with sleep which are normal, but may help if we can work on them.  So I read some suggestions in the No Cry Sleep Solution last night and implemented one - it failed.  Big time.  I can now confidently say that at this point I don't think DS is ready for sleep training.  If I was staying at home with him and this was more important to me, I could maybe see working on it - but I'm not willing to put forth the enormous amount of effort and sleeplessness that this would probably take to do it *right* now.  I know dBPDh isn't pushing for training *right* now, so I'm thankful for that.  Also thankful that I didn't let my own reactions to H stop me from exploring the issue with an open mind and clear head!

[Blazing Star]

You know how BPD's usually have a kernel of truth in their rages?  ... .

... . Also thankful that I didn't let my own reactions to H stop me from exploring the issue with an open mind and clear head!

Yes I know this kernel well, can be a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, great that you were open to it!

We used No Cry Sleep Solution too, all children are different, keep trusting your gut.

Love Natalie