Therapy and help...

[SuzyQ33]

I read the post from Starry04 about "Is this all my fault? Did I cause this?" and saw so many people saying if they only knew earlier that they would have done things differently... . or followed different steps with their children.

I am in the position that I (lucky for my kids I suppose) found out recently that my husband is a pwNBPD (not diagnosed).

My daughters are 12 and 14 and I can see that certain behavior in them could be indicative of BPD. 

I want to get them into therapy as soon as possible, but I do not know which is best... . and what else can I do?  I do not wish an unhappy life on either of them, and seeing how very very unhappy and unfulfilled my husband is I sometimes want to cry for him ( I know I cannot do anything for him, my heart just sometimes aches for his pain and what I have 'lost'.

I am a naturally validating person, i.e. I do it all the time and it is very easy for me, although I do think I am quite logical/problem solving as well.  I believe any person (I will excuse the "mentally inflicted" from this, for obvious reasons LOL!) does what they think best in any given situation... . but obviously what I might think is best can only come from my limited/learned knowledge base... .

and although I believed at the time that I am equipping my kids adequately to cope with life, this 'revelation' of BPD has now put me on a completely different playing field... .

I feel very much out of my depth and being  their "buffer" against a pwNBPD was not actually healthy or good for them, but how else does a mom protect her children?  At this point I have to tell you that I have already made the decision to get a divorce and am busy with my exit plan - it just takes time as it is complicated (isn't it always LOL!)  But I have detached emotionally and mentally and my decisions are not based on him/his needs anymore.  I have a choice in this now and I will protect my children and myself as much as possible... . Luckily for us we are in a very stable period at the moment - I think he suspects/knows that I am different and he is on his best behavior ever, but unfortunately I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... . I know the calm before the storm from experience... .

So if I may please ask for some advice ... . What is it that you would have done differently had you known sooner about BPD and the effects such a "negative environment" had on your children?

What is the best road to follow from here regarding my daughters - any advice will be much appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi SuzyQ   

Welcome to the Supporting Board!

From what you wrote, it appears you have a pretty good global perspective regarding the family unit and how each person can affect the other members.  Not assuming that everyone will just "be ok" in the end is wise of you. 

My daughter (now 16) was dx w/emerging BPD at age 12 so I can relate in some ways to the potential problems and how they may be presenting in your daughters 12 and 14.  These are difficult developmental periods in their lives so be mindful of the naturally occurring struggles for them as well as the amplification of those struggles due to the home environment and biological component.

So... . having said that I will try to put myself in your shoes and project what action I would take (knowing now what I didn't completely grasp 5 years ago).

Family and individual therapy that addresses boundaries, low self image issues, communication skills (identifying and expressing emotions verbally as well as through dance/art/music etc... . ), bullying (check in w/your girls about how they may be a victim/and or perpetrator), twisted thinking, emotional regulation (mindfulness skills), etc... .    If you can find it... . a teen support group like Positive Peer Culture would greatly benefit them. 

I will also point out SuzyQ that whatever you would like to see your children learn, practice, and take ownership of needs to be modeled first and consistently by you.

We are here to help you!

lbjnltx

[SuzyQ33]

lbjnltx, thank you so much for your kind reply! 

"I will also point out SuzyQ that whatever you would like to see your children learn, practice, and take ownership of needs to be modeled first and consistently by you."

This is a tough pill to swallow, as I have modeled the perfect doormat up to 2012 - so much so that my eldest asked me last year, at age 13, "so why DO you take so much abuse from him?"   This was a complete eye opener for me, as I have always thought of myself as "the dedicated wife" who is working on improving the relationships between all family members, taking care of the family... . and doing what it takes to 'make it work'  - but to hear your child seeing it from such a different perspective (the true perspective) is ouch!

I then decided that I will stop taking the abuse (emotional + verbal) and started working on it - if he said/did something I just got up and left and ignored him completely, or stood around so that he did not continue with the closest child  ... . it is extremely empowering to know that he has no hold emotionally over me anymore.  And after 'discovering' BPD recently, I have given myself the permission to say  !no more!    Strange that I never knew I had the right to do that before?  How I always thought the only way was the intact family unit and the husband who provided while the wife sacrificed so that everyone can be happy.

In this way I also do much too much for my kids,  of which I am not proud - they are very 'reliant" on me, and expect me to instantly comply with all their needs... . immediately!  (the preparation for the divorce needs to fit somewhere into this strange picture too... . )

But knowing all of this, and especially the above advice, I know what to work on... .     thank you lbjnltx!  I am doormat no more, and I am runaround-mom no more... .

[sunshineplease]

Hey, SuzyQ33, Therapy, Al-Anon, NAMI Family-to-Family and other groups have helped me a lot. I, like you, "put up with" a lot over the years, telling myself it was for the "right" reasons. Being more clear on my responsibility to myself (to make myself happier in life over, to make choices in both the short and long term, to keep myself breathing when I was sad or angry) has helped me learn to break the "martyr" pattern, and to let go of the illusion of control. While I've always been functional and had lots of support and good friendships, I think my lack of self-understanding/self-acceptance -- paired with too-great expectations regarding relationships -- made it hard for me to set appropriate boundaries for my daughter (though not my son, who didn't push my buttons). Self-work is #1.

#2 is to understand the value of validation... . in general, but most specifically for people who tend toward BPD.

Hooray for your openness and willingness to grow and change. All best,

sunshineplease 

[SuzyQ33]

Thank you Sunshineplease, your reply is very much appreciated. ... .

I am finding so much joy for myself when I can stick to my boundaries now - I never before knew I  was allowed to do that... . I really do take time for me and do not feel guilty anymore. ... . but it is still baby steps now... .

I will study validaton more and keep it priority #1 with the girls... .

Thank you for the support  - it is invaluable to know I can rely on other people's strength too - I  have always known that any person is only as strong as their support system. ... . and here I feel that I can become strong too!

[qcarolr]

hi SuzyQ33 and welcome.

So glad you are working to get your life back, and have such a great attitude. It is hard sometimes to realize that what we model in our grownup relationships teaches our kids so much. Ouch! -- I have had some of these from my gd7 in my r/s with my BPDDD27. My dh and I have custody and have in essence 'divorced' our DD. Yet we still deal with her in our lives - when kids are involved some kind of connection will be there. And you are doing a great job on the boundaries. Your girls are lucky to have you!

Have you read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg?  This is the most practical guide for validation I have read. It has sections on how to use it with everyone in our lives. I go back a do a refresher in this book often.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

qcr