Accepting others' limitations

[Cordelia]

How do you guys feel you do with accepting other people's limitations?  I had kind of a wake-up call in relation to my ongoing struggle to accept how low my expectations are going to have to be of my enDad as a grandfather.  He is basically bailing on meeting the babies when they are born if he can't stay at my house, while I try to deal with the arrival of newborn twins.  I said I wasn't comfortable having him stay with me so soon after the babies arrive, and in response he has dialed back his visit to the extent that he will basically only see us for an afternoon.  I was discussing this with my brother (who is super supportive and empathetic and amazing) and said that I felt dad was punishing me for having boundaries.  That if things weren't 100% his way he was just going to take his bat and ball and go home, like the 5 year old he is emotionally.  My brother said actually he thinks our dad is being sincere in not being able to see how to handle the situation in any other way.  He is genuinely incapable of finding another place to stay, managing transportation to our place, figuring out how to make it work financially and time wise and everything else.  That doesn't mean my decision not to let him stay with me is wrong, but just that my dad's decision to limit his visit in response was more of a function of his own limitations in being able to handle an unfamiliar situation than a desire to punish or manipulate me.  I think my response of "not being able to figure out alternative arrangements is a bullhit excuse meant to cover up dad's real desire to hurt me" is maybe a legacy of my history with uBPDmom.  And thinking about it, in general I am not very accepting of other people's inability to do things that I can do easily.  I tend to think they are just lazy, making excuses, or simply not very smart if they say something is hard for them that I don't think is that hard.  But it strikes me now that that isn't very fair.  After all everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and it's not a crime to have a hard time with certain things.  Even if it doesn't suit my goals or disappoints me. 

It was a very different story with my Waif mom who I think genuinely did pretend to be incompetent in order to manipulate others into doing what she wanted.  But I think unfortunately I've generalized my experience with her to include all people, when in truth not everyone who communicates to me that something is difficult for them is deliberately trying to hurt me or push me into a certain behavior. 

What do you think?

[Pilate]

I think you are sharing important insights, Cordelia. I think when some perfectionists and people with more than average abilities sometimes believe that everyone has similar abilities. I have definitely been in this place:

in general I am not very accepting of other people's inability to do things that I can do easily.  I tend to think they are just lazy, making excuses, or simply not very smart if they say something is hard for them that I don't think is that hard.

People are who they are. It is hard when someone so important like a parent disappoints us, but I think they usually are not doing something on purpose to make us angry. I also think you have a good insight about the pattern with your mom influencing how you view the behaviors/actions of others. It's normal to feel disappointed when people don't meet our expectations--feelings just are. It sounds like you are having some good insights about your dad's behaviors and your own feelings, which is great. My father has limitations similar to what you describe. My dad is very self-centered and alcoholic, so he often makes choices that are disappointing, but I have learned that he is who he is, and I am still okay and so is my family. I grieve that my dad will never be the grandfather I would like him to be, but he strives to be the best grandfather he can be given who he is. Perhaps your dad will be the best grandfather he can be even if he isn't the best grandfather you wish he could be.

Pilate

[GeekyGirl]

I think many of us can relate to you, Cordelia. Sometimes it's hard to accept that people have limitations that appear to be something else (like laziness). Sometimes I really have to take a step back and look at why someone's behavior is annoying me, and if it's even really a big deal or not. I have a friend who likes to do everything last-minute (like not RSVP on time for a party or show up at a meeting 10 minutes late), and since I'm the type of person who plans everything out, it sometimes really gets on my nerves. I have to remember that it's not necessarily a character flaw--it's just who she is. She's not doing it to be malicious.

It's painful when you have an vision of how your parents will interact with your children, when you know how they'll likely behave. I understand that. It's reasonable of you to want to limit his visits after the twins are born, and the best advice I can give you is to try to relax and let things happen between you and your dad. In the meantime, do take care of yourself. 

[Cordelia]

Thank you so much for your responses.  I'm still going back and forth on whether his decision to cut his visit short was based on malicious intentions or not (he said something to my sister that put more evidence back in that category) but regardless, I think this:

Perhaps your dad will be the best grandfather he can be even if he isn't the best grandfather you wish he could be.

is very true regardless of the nature of his motives and abilities, whatever they are.  And it's so true that even if his availability and choices as a grandfather (and father!) are disappointing, I will be okay.  I would like him around more, I would like my kids to see something of what I saw in him as a dad, but you know what, if he's not capable of that, I will share other experiences with my kids.  It's just sad and I can't really believe that my kids will have such limited access to my family and my past.  My siblings are still an important part of my life but my parents have both just taken themselves out of the picture and I really never thought that would happen.  As tumultuous as our time together as a family was, I just can't believe they would pull away from their family, especially at a time when it seems to me, people get the most benefits out of their kids!  When kids are young you have to work hard to take care of them and sometimes have little left for yourself - they put that time in and now that it's time for them to be the ones that are more taken care of, in a relationship that's more equal, where they get to just enjoy the grandkids and enjoy the visits and not really be needed as intensely, NOW they can't handle it and withdraw?  (I mean my mom already did, but for her also it was when we were teenagers, not babies, that she left our family).  It's so weird, it feels like I worked so hard as a kid to prove myself responsible and adult and that I could help out because they were overwhelmed with responsibilities, and now that I actually CAN, they distance themselves?  As hard of a time as they had dealing with my needs as a dependent child it seems they have even more trouble dealing with me as a responsible adult.  I guess I still have my own needs, different from theirs, which frustrates them, but now I also have the ability to make sure those needs are met, with or without them, and if I am going to meet my own needs I am going to have less of them in my life because they have so little to give.  (Though I do think what I am asking for is pretty limited - just some of their time, and some personal space with my new babies)

I will try to just do this

the best advice I can give you is to try to relax and let things happen between you and your dad.

I certainly can't change his behavior or his view of his role as a grandfather, so I will just try to be gracious during whatever limited time he is around.  I am so used to putting in all this extra effort to make sure he is there for me when I need him, and I'm changing that behavior because I have these new responsibilities, so I guess that is what is stressing me out.  I'm worried that without jumping through all his hoops he simply isn't going to be there and in fact that does seem to be the case.  But going back to what Pilate said, even if he isn't there the way I would like, the world will go on, I'll still have my sweet new family to focus on, and everything will be okay. 

It's just so hard to let go of trying to make this relationship go the way I want it to... .