Comin n goin

[momontherun]

Hi everyone   For the last 2.5 months (since the visit with dd15 at rtc) I have been comin and goin like a chicken with its head cut off... . therapy (individual for each of us, family with the boys, family with dd15), self care, cleaning up winter debris, researching more, getting back in touch with friends and family, got a case manager to help coordinate ongoing care etc. I see a bunch of new names here and look forward in getting to know you guys better - I have missed you guys and really need a pep talk... .

The visit didn't go so well from day 2 to day 5 (was there 6 days) despite knowing what she was doing, I was really thrown a curveball and got caught up in her dysregulation as she suddenly pulled out all the stops and targeted my FOG buttons: lack of communication despite constant discussions every moment I was there anything from the weather to daily activities to therapy, not sharing my feelings with her despite many "I feel" statements before/during/after validating her emotions, she wants out but not to come home followed with how she wants to redo her room, she knows at this point if she were to come home she would probably kill herself cutting too deeply yet she feels she can make more progress at home etc.  

Finally on day 3 I had had enough and told her I can see how much anxiety this visit has caused and I feel the same way spending 5-6 hours together in a room with very short walks outside for fresh air. I have wanted to spend as much time together as we can as we haven't seen each other in 3 months. I know you have anticipated this as much as I have - anyone would if they were in our shoes especially seeing how our visit is almost over til another 3 months goes by however, perhaps its too much time what do you think? She said she thought so too but didn't want to cut our daily time as it is going to be 3 months and she wanted to talk to me about what she needs to do when she comes home. I listened to her go on about how she wants to do a step program instead of coming directly home - I told her I thought that was a great idea, she doesn't want to return to formal HS but to continue her online program - I told her I understand how much stress she was under there and agreed this would more than likely be the best choice, she doesn't want to come home after the step program as she is under a lot of stress at home and I am not there for her like she wants me to be having to share me with her brothers - I tuned out at this point not believing what I was hearing and getting very upset with her perception and accusations. Being in a semi daze, I realized she stopped talking and wanted a response in which I told her, Thank you for letting me know all this, you have obviously been thinking about this a great deal and I see how much it means to you to get it all out however, it is a lot to take in right now and we can discuss it more later. This gave her fuel to continue her accusations on how I am not there for her, don't love her as much as her brothers etc. The only thought that came to mind was "You ungrateful B&*^ don't you see how much I am trying and changing and learning for you? How dare you!" Instead what came out was I cannot discuss this with you right now, if you want to continue escalating your emotions go find your therapist to help you calm down. I need to step outside to calm down, i'll be back in a few minutes and I left the room going outside pacing the front walk chain smoking 5 cigarettes while using self talk to calm myself down going from saying what I was thinking out loud to poor me to poor her to what can we do now?

Going back inside I see dd15 in hysterics at the front desk with her therapist believing I had left her and upon seeing me was relieved I was still there. We went back to the room and she gave her T a brief overview leaving out her demands. She asked me if it was a fair assessment - I agreed it was but was still confused how she thought I left for the day when everyone can see my activity bag (movies, games, nail polish, make up, candy etc), coat and purse was sitting in plain sight. Then it hit me amidst her dysregulation she heard was your on your own, I am leaving. This really put me on guard walking on eggshells again thinking through what to say and how she was going to twist it. We said our good byes the next day though I continued to check in the remaining 2 days I was there just not visiting with dd15.

That weekend and for almost daily for a week straight she si'd feeling bad how she treated me despite all the [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] in the world every time we talked (two days a week an hour each). Then suddenly she stopped started working her program and was doing better than she has in the last 3 yrs... . this lasted 5 weeks We even started talking about a time frame when she can come for a week visit and be discharged shortly thereafter along with sleep overs at the hotel when I come to visit. This seemed to send her overboard again and caused another round of an si spree. She said she felt she had too much freedom on the level she was on, is tired of trying - isn't getting any better, she is homesick, I help her more in our talks than the rtc does, she doesn't see how she can't work the program while being on sight/sound etc. Her T was focusing more on the si trying to investigate what was going on which seemed to promote dd15 to stay on her downward spiral.

I discussed with her T my viewpoint and wanted to stop putting so much energy into it to see if that would help de-escalate her as the more you focus on something, the more your going to do it. She agreed with that assessment so we moved the focus to giving our family an identity starting with how dd15 thinks others see our family/how she wants others to see our family, our strength/weaknesses as a group... . this slowed her spiral only si'ing once. During our next family session, she told me she did - instead of investigating further I thanked her for telling me as I know how hard it is for her, she has made a lot of progress which I can sense how proud she is only doing it once when last week it was multiple times then moved on to where we left off giving our family an identity, picking back up discussing family traditions - what we do, what she gets out of doing them, what she likes/dislikes and what traditions she wants to try then told her next week we are going to discuss family roles - she said this was stupid and I explained how important this is as I feel if we give our family an identity, she can find hers as well knowing what to expect, what each of our roles are and what we need to continue to work on. This seemed to be another trigger but instead of going straight to si she made out with a girl even made run plans with her - they both got demoted in the program then I guess this girl started to blame dd15 for getting caught. DD15 found out and started focusing on harming this girl during school hours - she seemed to want to stop as she removed herself for a time out and talked with her T about it. I guess she didn't get what she needed and continued to escalate then formed a plan how she was going to beat her up. Two hours later when transitioning from school to the dorms she made her move and jumped the girl getting herself restrained and put in observation then si'd with her fingernail as she felt really bad for hurting the girl. She says now she has been restrained, she really liked it and is thinking of how she can get it done again.

This is the first time she attacked another person - usually she removes herself when she starts to feel violent then takes it out on herself... . this I can expect and can validate. With this new behavior, I don't see how I can give her any type of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url]. Her T doesn't know what to make of this new behavior being just as confused as I am. During our discussion, it came to me - this appears to be an extinction burst... . it fits almost to a 'T'. DD15's T didn't know what I was talking about until I explained it to her and she agreed it makes sense. We agreed we would handle it like we started doing with the si - allow dd15 to check in, validate her emotion then move on to our discussion this week: family roles/responsibilities which will open the door to discussing value based boundaries before I go down and visit again.

I don't know if we are on the right track or not, dd15's T doesn't know either - I am starting to believe dd15 is right that she isn't getting much benefit being there though I know if I remove her especially at this point it will only validate what she has been repeating for the last 5 months reinforcing her belief as well as, her behavior - She has been there 6 months to the day and hasn't been home for the last 9 months. Before she left for the rtc, I was told to expect her to be there for at least a year so I have been keeping that in mind but am getting disheartened... . I know everyone is doing what they can with the information they have - it just doesn't seem like its enough and is stirring up that FOG again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Extinction bursts

Hi motr   good to hear from you!

It sounds like it has been so hard. It is so difficult to trust others with our babies. That would in and of itself trigger FOG in me. You are very strong to have done so well so far. I know that the visit didn't go as well as you wanted, but still to me it seems like progress.

I have to rush off now, I just wanted to touch base and let you know I will be back.

I will be thinking of you till I return,

Cheers,

Vivek     

ps I put the link to extinction burst here... . just in case 

[jellibeans]

momontherun

Your dd is going through a lot right now. I don't know what to say to you. I find it troubling that her T doesn't seem to know what to do either. That is very concerning. Your dd has been at RTC for 6 months? Have they changed meds at all? Do you think this is the right place for you dd?

[griz]

momontherun:  What positives have you found with your daughter at the rtc?  Do you see any improvement?  It seems to me like that is a lot of time to spend with her after she hasn't seen you for so long.  Is it possible that she was overloaded with emotion?  Just some thoughts.

Griz

[momontherun]

Viv- Thanks it has been hard though I was at a total loss at what to do... . 2 yrs into this thinking teen drama with more escalation, enmeshment, mirroring, heightened sensitivity, secrecy, self harm, sexual inhibition etc. I had no clue what was going on or that there was a name for it. The only thing I knew at the time was I failed her not able to keep her safe from herself and that we desperately needed help. It was confusing at first because she had already been in therapy and kept all her social circles separated. The more I investigated while she was in the hospital, the more it became a reality then all of a sudden dd15 was committed and this thing had a name. Finally, I wasn't the only one seeing these things. The state hospital could only keep her until she was stable (no si for a week) and they too knew we needed more help if she is ever going to live a semi-productive life. Being at the beginning of this showing all 9 criteria had put us at the top of the list for emergency services here - she needed a level 5 rtc and can hopefully transition to a level 3 or 4 in a year (the state hospital is a high priority level 6). There are only 4 here which they all refused her... . they had 3 petitions: 1 from the hospital when she was first admitted, another at the state hospital and the last from the state psychiatric board. However, they saw her cycles and knew they couldn't help her - after looking at their set ups, I knew they couldn't. I spoke with 8 different psychiatrists that had no vested interest in dd15's case (I knew them from when I was an active nurse - very small medical community) trying to find and 'out' - a way dd15 could get help while at home however, they all basically backed up her P and T at the state hospital saying she undoubtedly needs long term (of at least a year) placement and if her family can get CBT with DBT, she would have a chance to learn to live with this. Then I was given 3 out of state rtc's to choose from so I picked the one that matched closest to what she needed: level 5, CBT, DBT long term, girls only and an available bed - I still investigated further asking questions and spoke with various parents (active children there as well as, some graduates) until I was satisfied I was putting her in 'good' hands. There were a couple restrictions I didn't agree with but felt I could be ok with them. Then I was given an update from the juvenile detention center... . she was caught on tape buying pot on her school bus on the way to school which is a felony, I made a report notifying the police of dd15's robberies to protect myself and sons right before childrens services stepped in from dd15's accusations of neglect and abuse for the 3rd time in 2 yrs, which is a misdemeanor but her 2nd offense already going through youth court the previous year getting caught red handed by employees as well as, on tape at walmart and charges pressed against her for the sexual relationship she had with a 12 yr old - the parents dropped it but the state is going after her on his behalf. Anyway, the judgement is being withheld until she returns but was told as long as she is seeking help and others can provide testimony she is continuing therapy there isn't anything they can do at this point. So then it became whats in her best interest? going to this rtc where she can get help, juvenile detention with a real possibility of prison where she can learn even more ways to break laws, becoming a ward of the state or any combination ... . either way she was going somewhere - my main focus is to keep her alive for however long I can - hopefully along the way she can learn to live with this nightmare no one asked for and I can learn to guide her through it walking beside her instead of running after her to catch up... . that is what gives me strength and the motivation to press on - it helps its not in my face every day but it still hurts the same.

jellibeans - its alright not knowing what to say... . I didn't know how to check in after I came back from the visit until now after all we seemed to be making real progress then to have it all shatter like it did. So I took a long step back did more reading, finally started an finished the walking on eggshells workbook, continue to take my notes looking for patterns/inconsistencies etc., went back over those notes again an again, got more involved with family/friends, going over all this with my T, get back in touch with my 'old' self and focus on my boys. I missed the camaraderie here and am glad to be back as only you guys really know and understand what I am talking about. It is troubling dd15's T doesn't know what to do - when she first admitted it to me I was like 'here have a seat and welcome' ... . this mi is confusing and easy to get caught up in the very intelligent, artistic, hopeful girl she displays herself as then get blind sided with her neediness, lack of understanding and desperate attempts to be seen as the martyr - there really is no consistency. She si's to self soothe - we know she knows how to self soothe in less harmful ways yet chooses not to. Then I got really angry... . this is supposed to be a professional skilled in behaviors and even she doesn't know what to do... . this is our one chance at real help and she is blowing it as come December when dd15 turns 16 she can revoke any therapy (I am sure dd15 already knows from the other girls) unless court ordered and even then what does that do but start an endless cycle of wills. Now I am going back an forth between the two. Yes, she has been there 6 months now and have another 6 months if all the previous advice from various P's are correct... .

this also, I am having a problem with as all in the medical field are paid based on their best trained guess but thats another rant. Anyway, when dd15 first got there she was on effexor, trazadone and b12 - they added abilify and lamictal, took her off the b12 and weaned her from the trazadone as they increased the lamictal. About 2 weeks after our visit they increased the lamictal and abilify... . each time they adjusted her medication (twice I asked for), she showed a short term improvement ~ a week after each adjustment. Knowing they are also trying to rule out rapid cycling bi-polar, I started doing research in which medications could target both and proposed they either increase the effexor to 450 mg from the 250 now though it elevates blood pressure (runs low in my family) and tardive dyskinesia could happen at that level however its the only level that has showed significant changes in BPD depression or remove her current regimen and put her on 20 mg Prozac slowly increasing it to 40 mg (elevates serotonin levels) instead of the effexor then add 200mg tegretol instead of the lamictal and risperdal if needed for prolonged high stress periods instead of the abilify... . if anything I want her serotonin levels checked (low levels run in the family) as well as, b12 (it was very low at the state hospital) and tsh checked (my bio dad has hyperthyroidism and mom has hypothyroidism so even a low normal is significant) - all of which she is predisposed for and are usually present with  major depression as well as, BPD. This request was put in 18 days ago and I haven't heard one way or the other yet. There is only one P and she oversee's all the kids there so I don't expect to hear anything for at least another week before I start hounding her to consider what I am proposing and reasons why/why not - I am not a dr however worked with them long enough before all this to know most are arrogant getting set in their ways losing their humbleness to look at all sides of an equation plus the fact they get bonuses and extra notoriety for 'pushing' certain medications which some get caught up in despite best intentions. Anyway, I know logically this is the best place for dd15 as everything I have read, studied and sought out other professional advice so far backs this up though emotionally I really don't know as its a constant battled laced with fear I won't see her again - I do know its this or possibly prison or death or an endless cycle of everything except death... . If she is going through an extinction burst (instead of mirroring) then it will do more harm taking her out -  if I take her out then how long do I get her before she gets taken away again? idk 24 hrs - a year maybe more? Can I keep her safe? no protect her brothers? no maintain boundaries for management/growth for them all? no ... . So really I feel stuck, vulnerable and clueless with her T right along side me. Its hard to admit they know dd15 as much as I do as she only allows so much to be seen... . I should know more after all I have raised her to this point yet it changes so much I doubt if I ever really knew her at all ... . her perception changes so much and frequently its hard to say what is what so I am at least grateful for her T honesty. 

Griz - ok positives: dd15 is continuing to push herself despite the deep spirals... . I see it as the outline of a mountain range: she starts climbing up the side then hits a peak, stumbles and falls to the pit then starts climbing again etc continuing the outline - some peaks are higher and some valleys are lower ... . the point is she is still moving, she is taking more personal responsibility admitting to her choices - both good and poor instead of blaming, internalizing or covering them up, she is acknowledging her true feelings instead of making excuses or mislabeling them, seems to continue trying - fighting between her impulses and dysregulation despite protesting how she can't do it... . peaks/valleys and is no longer being passive aggressive    Oh yes, there has definitely been improvement mostly in communication... . she is talking to me instead of yes/no/idk/fu/leave me alone/nothing etc., admitting which choices are good/poor along with what she could do exploring choices and taking responsibility in her actions instead of blaming others for making her react... . Yes, after the fact, I realized we spent too much time together confined to one room with spurts of outside time (to her annoyance, to my smokers relief) - I was selfish wanting to absorb every moment with her afraid I won't see her again trying to make every moment count kinda thing. It woulda been better if she could have been on the levels to go off grounds to  just walk and explore while connecting - big difference I think. However, I think she would have been dysregulated nomatter what as on one hand as she knew I was there, anticipated it making sure when I would arrive/leave and how, what we would do etc. and on the other hand not being there shows invalidation, I am using her for a vacation and/or she doesn't really count (one of her expressed fears when we explored if I limited my time to make it easier) etc... . either way I was screwed and didn't understand it until after the fact.

How do you prepare for knowing your screwed either way? establishing boundaries - the only way I can figure at this point is to get dd15 to get a sense of worth by knowing her place in the family = family identity. In this way, we are looking at the forest instead of getting lost in the wonder of an individual tree being reminded there are other people involved and we are all trying. We have spent months exploring emotions, responsibility, choices and touched on 'twisted thinking' calling her out on her all or nothing and generalizing statements to start trying to loop it altogether trying not to get distracted with her bouts of emotional dysregulation and acting out.

[lbjnltx]

Hello momo!

Thanks for updating us on your situation.  I'm glad  you got to see your dd15 at the rtc.  Is this a state run facility?  I'm not completely sure.  

The "levels" system is structured... . which she needs.  Is the therapy process individualized for her specifically or is it a set standard?  Most of the level programs I looked at were not flexible... . structured flexibility... . seems like an oxymoron doesn't it?

It is possible and effective.  Are there any other rtc possibilities for your d being that she will be able to walk out of the program at 16?  Moving to another state where parental rights stay in affect until the age of 18?

[jellibeans]

momo

My dd15 went through some very hard times when they were adjusting her meds... . could it be your dd has gone through a lot of meds changes? My dd was on dapakote and they took her of and put her on lamictal... . this took time... . and it was a long before she was on a full dosage. I think it is good she is in RTC while they are doing these meds changes.

I think what Ihave learned is that is is going to take time... . pwBPD do not make huge changes... . Patience is what we all need and I am often guilty of not having enough of. I hope with time and med changes your dd will start to make some progress at the RTC.

You are in my thoughts and prayers... . hold on... . one step at a time... . try to keep positive outlook even when things are not going well. Take care of yourself... .  

[vivekananda]

Hiya!

I'm still thinking about it all. I'm thinking about the two steps forward one step back story. About how when a step just a little too big has been taken, how it feels safer to retreat back to old ways before you peek out again and try again. How perhaps that visit was a big step and the retreat back into old ways could be expected. It's the old up and down roller coaster version of events.

I'll get back again soon. I've had interruptions and gotta go again... .

Meanwhile, here is a link to the recently published Aust National Guidelines, which is a research based book that can be downloaded for free, you might find it interesting. In particular there is valuable information on the drugs that are used on p 62:

National Guidelines for the Clinical Management of BPD (Aust)

Cheers,

Vivek      

[momontherun]

Hi lbj - No its not a state run facility though the lower 'statuses' mimic a state hospital (sight/sound, observations, restraints if necessary etc) while the medium 'statuses' mimic a traditional rtc and the higher 'statuses' mimic a day services facility so in this way each child can make their transitions all in one spot so there is more routine and consistency. Being separated like this they have to have several accreditation's from different sources getting periodic check ups from each to ensure they are providing the high level of care they are licensed for.

To maintain their level 5 status they have to have one P for each age group (4-12, 13-18) as well as, each gender seeing how they have separated males/females in separate campuses that is accredited with the ABPN. Each P oversee's 4 therapists (accredited with ASWB) assigned to up to 12 children each which comes in 4 days a week and are on call as needed for crisis prevention with 2 mandatory sessions (individual and family) - They call these groups teams. Each team has 3-5 adult mentors they call coaches that work directly with the kids through out the day/night when not in school or group therapy. Their school portion is accredited with the NWAC which mimics the NAAS scheme in this way the teachers can adapt education requirements to more of a self study type - every 2 weeks the students are graded to track progress and must pass at least 3 of 4 these tests to receive one credit per area (language, math, social studies). Each school day lasts 5 hours for these 3 areas and can be given a study hall if needed. DD15 receives a study hall so she can do her online studies through the school system here so she can continue her advanced studies at her leisure and we can receive additional services in our community even though she is out of state instead of waiting until she returns. When not in school, they attend groups (dbt, addiction, anger management etc) which are run by the coaches with the training in that area. In the evenings and weekends they do recreation therapy and leisure learning based on their individual statuses which are determined by their overall progress: low - recess type supervised on grounds, medium - supervised off grounds activities (hikes, short field trips etc.) high - off grounds overnights (camping, skiiing etc.)  Once a week all staff assigned to each child meets and evaluates progress, lack of, what additional therapies are needed etc. After the meeting, the children are given a reason why/why not they 'made status' (coming off precautions to achieving more freedom to going home) as well as, individual and team goals they need to do to reach the next status... . in this way the are following the ACT model which was mainly formed for those with schizophrenia back in the 60's but in recent years has been utilized with those with severe conditions to prevent institutionalism. So yes in some ways there is a set standard (code of conduct, routines, discipline at different levels) and others are individualized (groups, school, recreation, leisure, individual and family therapy) which makes this place quite unique.  

At 16 she won't be able to just check herself out however, she could refuse to participate which will essentially do the same thing. See, there are various boards and groups that are involved overseeing her care and keeping track of her progress as well as, this place otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get this far being a single mom of 3 kids on a very limited fixed income. Each of the agencies follow different guidelines however it all goes through the Alaska Psychiatric Association for approval of special funding through the Alaska mental Health Trust Authority which lessens the burden on medicaid, approval for out of state care etc. They also over see our mental health court for those with violations in the mental health system and make their recommendations within their own therapeutic model. Now CoDi (Co-occuring Disorders institute) has gotten involved and has assigned us a case manager to relieve some of the burden off APA and AMHTA (though they must still obtain approval from both) as well as, families to coordinate ongoing care knowing more of the loopholes within the system so she can be brought back to our community with available resources which all seem to require various recommendations from these sources. However, she must get stable enough to go from a level 5 care facility to at least a level 4 for that to happen... . if she doesn't within their time frame she will be deemed therapeutically unreachable and services as well as, funding could be revoked which severely limits resources that are available within their individual guidelines. Once a year has passed, the guidelines each of these places follow gets really narrow and narrower still once she turns 16 as the guidelines switch from child to adult since she will be of legal working age and able to emancipate herself (which won't happen with her documented history and have been advised that when she turns 17 to start the process of obtaining POA). We will then have no other option but bring her home, obtain supportive services where we can and have temporary stabilization's in a psychiatric institution until she can fit within the narrow guidelines again of not only these agencies but also, any individual rtc which will only take her if she becomes therapeutically reachable and even then there will be an even higher rejection rate as they take the risk of her cycles affecting their status and accreditation's which was why we had to go out of state in the first place. This is why I believe this is our one shot at any real help.

jellibeans - I am not sure how many med changes is considered alot as it seems really subjective depending who one talks to. However, she has had 5 in 9 months with the first 2 within a month period... . from then on they have been re-evaluating every 12 weeks. I understand it takes time to find the right combination as they are being really careful not to over medicate her as well as, keep her taking them (she hates any medication - always has) which I keep reminding her the medications are just tools to help her brain function better. It just seems we are using a screw driver instead of a saw to cut through her barriers though it may just be my perception as I am not actively interacting with her on a daily basis like they are. Which I am thankful for while I get used to our 'new normal'. Yes, patience truly is a virtue we all need more of especially while dealing with all of this and thank you for the reminder  

Viv - makes sense though with so many steps back its getting harder to see the steps forward then when I do see it, I don't trust it as when I start to its taken away. Its hard for me to believe her 'safe' place is uber restrictive laced with chaos where she gets very limited freedoms and has to be watched 24/7 ... . Thanks for the link to that book - I skimmed through some of it and see i'll have to get more in depth going over it more thoroughly when I get a bit more time   

[jellibeans]

Momontherun

For what it is worth... . the first time I saw any kind of improvement with meds is when she started taking Lamictal (100mg 2X daily)... . I feel once she got to full dosage she was more stable than we had seen in months. I feel it is good she is there while they try to find the right meds. My dd was recently taken off Prozac... . they felt it was irritating her... . I have never found that prozac made any diference and since she has been off of it she seems less agressive.

Keep us posted... . I hope things get better for you all... .  

[momontherun]

Thanks jellibeans - it is good she is there with all these changes going on. I just want to do the right thing as we all do - it'd be easier if there was a road map... . I know I am dreaming at this point though the book Viv gave the link for is very detailed showing what has worked and what hasn't.

Viv - Thank you so much! This really helped me understand a bit clearer especially about the medications and it seems after their very thorough research, she is on the right combination as well as, reinforcing the therapy types she is receiving helping to keep it all in perspective. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

I am pleased it has helped motr. My thoughts are with you, you know. We have you in our hearts at this really difficult time.

We do not really have rtc's here in Aust, I believe. I did hear of one in the country and it looked pretty terrible and was being closed down. There is an absence of discussion on rtc's in those Guidelines.

I have read it again. I am really proud that you have mastered all the ins and outs of the system and the setup, so you understand the possibilities. I do so hope that your dd settles a bit more.

I expect the only thing I would want to know is if you are able to relax and care for yourself and the other kids? Are your support structures holding up?

Lots of best wishes,

Vivek    

[momontherun]

  I think the absence of discussion on rtc's age guidelines is because they do get complicated as they differ so much from place to place then it gets a bit more complicated going intrastate though the home state has the first say especially if there are extra ties in the community like dd15's online home based school.

I hope so too - just another dynamic to overcome as we get deeper into this. At least I am not falling apart like I was 6 months ago breaking down left and right. Which I thank you guys so much for as without the wealth of info and continuing support, I would probably be still stuck in the FOG and grasping at straws running myself ragged trying to hold it altogether. Now I am running myself ragged in healthier ways 

This is a year of reconnecting to myself, kids, friends and family - I forgot how much I LOVE music... . used to play it all the time then it was just in the vehicle then not at all. Now its back on jamming out a I clean and go about my day. At first my sons thought I was strange then they got into it and started bopping along with me... . I am fun again  Ds12 has been loosening up and is starting to enjoy himself - some of its dd15 has been gone, some is the new boundaries (bed by midnight on non school days, 30 minutes twice a week on the xbox and mom gets to get away from the kids once a week) Ds4 (5 in 3 weeks) is along for the ride however he is gaining more confidence helping out. The boys and I started a garden together instead of by myself - ds12 is growing pumpkins and ds4 is growing peas showing them how to take care of them doing it together... . they are showing themselves as nurturers being extremely careful and pampering their plants. Ds12 has been getting more involved with ds4 showing him 'dude' stuff instead of treating him like a nuisance and even commented on how the peas needed something to climb on so we all 3 constructed a trellis out of twigs and yarn. The inside/outside work is no longer my escape but a joy sharing it with my boys - when the work is done or I just don't feel like doing it we play together and its not a burden: throwing the football, taking turns hitting a baseball, horseshoes, volleyball and 4 square. When I get tired I watch them and 'rate' them for flips on the trampoline and when we are all tired we discuss how we want to improve our home - ds12 wants a chicken coop, ds4 wants a fort and we all want a firepit so that's what we are going to work together on doing this summer.

I just had a family bbq... . I stockpile everything when it goes on sale well what I don't grow, fish and hunt for - I really needed to clear out my pantry (re-doing shelves this fall) and at least put a dent in 1 of my 3 freezers to make room for this fall's harvest then it got to me how out of touch we all have been. I mean we all have our circles where we float through the year but potlucks for Thanksgiving and Christmas everyone puts their differences to the side and comes together... . we haven't even done that for the last 2 yrs. So I texted everyone and said family bbq Sat- my house - steak, moose ribs, lobster and all the fixins - let me know if your coming by Thurs so I know how much to pull out. I had 11 adults and 8 kids come - only missing 3 adults and 2 kids that are in the state but that's ok! We all had fun - ok there was a small tiff with the adults but I didn't buy into it, refocused a couple into helping set up an took a couple around the property showing them what I have done and was planning plus they saw how important this was to me - to all of us otherwise they wouldn't have showed. I couldn't have picked a better day for it 70 degree's (last week it was snowing), sun shining, sprinklers going. It was wonderful!

I have reconnected with a couple friends I hold near and dear to my heart - we would get together except distance keeps us apart but thats ok as we have been talking at least once a week like no time has lapsed at all - in reality its been 3 yrs for one and 6 yrs for the other. I have also gotten back in touch with my dachshund breeder friends and past puppy adopters... . it really felt good yet hurt at the same time to find out how highly regarded in that community I was just not knowing until now - they are really excited I am getting back in and are offering Ch's with to die for pedigrees for just the plane ticket to help get me re-started then word spread like wild fire when I had that oops litter and have 18 people wanting one of my puppies though I haven't any plans or clue to who or what only having one girl that is still intact which I told them so and they all basically came back and said thats ok seeing how selective I am and all that went to show homes became Ch's so I must know what I am doing. A couple breeders I learned from are coming to me for help in pairings... . I have advised all that I am just feeling the waters at this point, I do want to get back in just I have to do it slowly as its only been 2 yrs since I said I needed a 4-6 yr break (still feel that way plus this allows the teens to grow up and move on) and will help here and there but it will still be sporadic until I can get my family settled. I am getting a boy this fall from a breeder that took in 2 of my dogs for my last intact girl next year (before its too late) as well as, to show along with at least 2 of their puppies (in the 5 shows a year we have) which will be my foundation (their litters won't be for 3 yrs)... . lots going on however, this part is behind the scenes over a long period of time so it doesn't take as much energy as everything else.

I still have my schedule doing household and beauty regimen tasks each day of the week compartmentalizing it all which does make it easier - I tried to let go of it and became overwhelmed trying to take care of everything all at once however I did let go of the everything in its spot rule (I wasn't done with it arguments). I did take down the dinner menu board though after having it down for 3 days everyone freaked out insisting it to be back up to look at.

So all in all, now its just up to nurturing the important relationships, keeping rhythm, introducing boundaries one at a time for balance, continue to find myself again, enjoying each moment, building a strong foundation to grow from, obtain more knowledge, keep focused and have/give support with different perceptions as each obstacle presents itself on our journey.

[vivekananda]

yep, keeping rhythm and balance so you can dance the dance while that music plays away.

good to hear the boys are growing things in the garden and hanging out a little. Nice to know they wanted the dinner board back up - are you breeding lads with high expectations? 

I wish I could have been there for the barbie, 70 degrees is warm enough - I would eat the lobster but probably let you have the moose ribs... . how could you?  :'( poor moosies.

Enjoy your relationships - aren't they what count? And isn't it not what we achieve, but how we achieved it that's important?

Cheers,

Vivek