following lawyers advice. anyone gone through this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Following lawyers advice.  bf caught with drugs,  doing it all the time.  tried to get family to help.  was worried about time when he was taking care of their ( our gchild) child.  felt he was doing it when he had her, maybe even having her around others much of the time.  he never seems to pay childsupport with other children,  won't really do anything with another.  dd left, disappeared so to speak, on advice of lawyer.  hoping to be able to set up specified lenght of time and then get full custody of child.  just scared that even with his history of drug use in years, past, having gone to rehab, etc no child support payments lots of the time, he won't have a chance to get shared custody and dd don't want to live in that state or close.  

Does anyone know if have a good chance of it happening.  I am just so scared... . can't sleep,

[somuchlove]

Following lawyers advice.  bf caught with drugs,  doing it all the time.  tried to get family to help.  was worried about time when he was taking care of their ( our gchild) child.  felt he was doing it when he had her, maybe even having her around others much of the time.  he never seems to pay childsupport with other children,  won't really do anything with another.  dd left, disappeared so to speak, on advice of lawyer.  hoping to be able to set up specified lenght of time and then get full custody of child.  just scared that even with his history of drug use in years, past, having gone to rehab, etc no child support payments lots of the time, he won't have a chance to get shared custody and dd don't want to live in that state or close.  

Does anyone know if have a good chance of it happening.  I am just so scared... . can't sleep,

[Matt]

I'm confused... .

How old is the child?

Who has custody now?

Who is taking care of the child now?

What is the outcome that you hope will happen?

What is going on with court?  Has something been filed with the court?

[marbleloser]

Yes,I've heard of it.She's basically keeping the child from him and establishing status quo as the primary caretaker.If she left for another state,he'll have to fight custody in that state,and/or request the child be brought back.

If she's hiding the child,he can claim alienation.If they aren't married(you said he was bf) then he stands very little chance.

[somuchlove]

they are not married.  He has been using drugs.  doesn't have a good history for taking care of other 3 children by 2 women.  I know---  Geeze my dd but she is a good mom.  he was clean when they got together.  It would just be awful for her to have to move back to the state they were in.  She is going to be in a diff state.  I am not sure what and if there is a time frame she has to wait to make sure she can get complete custody or know that she wouldn't be forced to bring child back.  Child is 20 months old.

[marbleloser]

She needs to file,in the state she's in,for sole custody if he's unfit.ASAP. That way,the state she's in will have jurisdiction.

[somuchlove]

I wonder if she is going to have to go to court to prove all that.  it is so hard because she is living with this dark cloud not knowing if this will all work or not. 

[marbleloser]

Once she establishes residence in the new state,she can file for sole custody.He'll have to fight it in the state she's in.Sounds like he doesn't have the funds to do that.

Has there been a paternity test?

Do you feel safe telling what state?

IMHO,she doesn't have anything to worry about,but I can understand the stress.

This gets done alot.(Mothers moving to another state with child) It's a backdoor way to establish custody.

[somuchlove]

do you know if it has to be 6 months to establish residency?  I guess she needs to consult lawyer on this.  I am just so worried.   No sure what you mean by IMHO.

He is the father.    He doesn't have funds, months behind on other child support.  but never know what family memebers can help with concerning money.   

[marbleloser]

IMHO = In my humble opinion

She'll need to check with her atty on how long she'll need. She could establish residence and then file for sole custody,keep the kid away from him,and be establishing status quo as primary parent.

The reason I asked about the paternity test is,he'll need to have one done to prove to the court he's the father,or it's her word against his,unless she admits it.

[somuchlove]

his name is on the birth certificate.  Does that make it valid

[marbleloser]

Yes it does.On the flip side,it shows that he's responsable for child support.

[somuchlove]

Thanks for your help.  I just hope it all works out.  want to avoid lots of court costs and lawyer fees.  dd doesn't have it and we just can't either.   Don't know how much she will have to prove.  or if lawyer will look at all he has done, like no child support for one child little for two.  will that tell him to let go

[marbleloser]

You're welcome.

It'll turn out fine.He'd have to file for an emergency order to have the child returned and she'd have to be served to get it.So,he'd have to know where she is.

Doesn't sound like he can do any of that.

[somuchlove]

he can guess.  what about if she has child at day care and he comes to take her before this is all set.  They won't be in same state but ?  If she gets drivers license and rental  is that info easy to track

[ForeverDad]

I believe there is a uniform law in the USA that a person needs 6 months in a state in order to establish residency there.  So if she can move and build a history there and manage to keep from triggering him from doing something in his state, then after the 6 months she can file in her new state - if he hasn't filed in his state first.

A thought to keep in mind is that ome states give more "rights" to unmarried mothers, so it's likely there are some other states that make easier for unmarried fathers.  It might be good for her to find out quickly what default preferences her desired state has or doesn't have regarding custody, parenting time and other issues.  She probably needs legal advice on how best to do this.

Meanwhile if she can keep him at bay for several months while she gets her legal issues in order, that will make things easier and cheaper later on.  (So she shouldn't share with him information about the six month residency laws and other information.  Now is NOT the time for her to to share her legal strategies with him nor vent at him and possibly sabotage herself.  Sad, but that's the way it is.)

[qcarolr]

somuchlove - I am so so sorry things are so hard for you and your family right now. It just never seems to end. Does you D have the boys with her too? No legal advice here, just lots of love and prayers for guidance, courage, strength.

qcr

[somuchlove]

Thanks,  The boys will be coming for a visit with us.  Can't wait.  DD not here.  But we have been in contact with her.  She seems to  be ok but very scared and worried about things.  We have had some very good talks.  Not that things won't go the other direction at some point.  We are hoping that getting away from all the pressures she was under there it might help.  I hope that she, since she has admitted that she really looses control, and gets so full of anxiety that maybe with our continued validation of how she feels, her feeling of belonging to our family again, our working hard to set boundaries, make her be responsible she will work on herself.  I don't know.  It is good to have her communicating with all of us in the family at this point but we are also very concerned that things, will go down hill again. 

We are trying to be strong and not allow ourselves to get caught up in the boundaries, and letting her be in charge of herself.  If that makes any sense. 

The one thing that I have to be careful is,  When she gets into this state of being so glad to be with us, I take to much and feel myself falling back into the Mommy role which is giving advice, trying to fix things.  I have to continue with the things I am working on so hard , listening, validating and just being her, letting her work things out.  Does that make sense.  Oh Ihope I can do this. 

[marbleloser]

"The boys will be coming for a visit with us"

Are both children his? You said he had 3 others by 2 other women and your DD has a 20 month old by him.

[somuchlove]

No the 2 oldest are not his.  She and their father are doing well co parenting with them.

[qcarolr]

The one thing that I have to be careful is,  When she gets into this state of being so glad to be with us, I take to much and feel myself falling back into the Mommy role which is giving advice, trying to fix things.  I have to continue with the things I am working on so hard , listening, validating and just being her, letting her work things out.  Does that make sense.  Oh Ihope I can do this. 

Somuchlove - you have gained so much in applying the tools of validation and boundaries. I know you can do this. Doubts are a normal part of the process. So glad there is family support all around your DD. Will be keeping you all in my prayers.

Ah the joy of your gs's.  Hope they have a great visit.

qcr