I don't know what I am doing anymore...

[Parents! Get help here!]

My D13 had a melt down the other night and she started asking questions about the relationship between me and her father (he is undiagnosed).  She was asking why I did this and did that, etc. In a round about way she was asking me "what the hell is wrong with you mom!"  I have explained to her so many times, it is complicated, there was a lot of things going on that are hard to understand, but those answers weren't flying on this night.  I don't know if I did the right thing here, but I started to mentioned BPD to her and in a way she started having her own "aha!" moments.  However she then started to see the connections to her own behaviors and asked if she has it.  I didn't deny or confirm.  I said I do see similarities between her and her father, but that is something a doctor would have to tell us.

My daughter is currently in therapy but the therapist is a social worker.  They have both formed a great bond and I do see slight improvements, but I also don't think the therapist understands the depth of her emotional battle.  To the therapist it appears to just be self-esteem issues, etc. I don't think this therapist can help her in the way she needs. 

After the talk with my daughter I didn't bring it up again.  I asked her to think about it and to see if she would be interested in seeing a new therapist that can help her better. 

I just don't know what to say or do anymore in this situation.  I have been loosing sleep thinking about it.  I don't know if I did more damage or have pushed the button towards getting the right help we all need. 

[changingme]

My D13 had a melt down the other night and she started asking questions about the relationship between me and her father (he is undiagnosed).  She was asking why I did this and did that, etc. In a round about way she was asking me "what the hell is wrong with you mom!"  I have explained to her so many times, it is complicated, there was a lot of things going on that are hard to understand, but those answers weren't flying on this night.  I don't know if I did the right thing here, but I started to mentioned BPD to her and in a way she started having her own "aha!" moments.  However she then started to see the connections to her own behaviors and asked if she has it.  I didn't deny or confirm.  I said I do see similarities between her and her father, but that is something a doctor would have to tell us.

My daughter is currently in therapy but the therapist is a social worker.  They have both formed a great bond and I do see slight improvements, but I also don't think the therapist understands the depth of her emotional battle.  To the therapist it appears to just be self-esteem issues, etc. I don't think this therapist can help her in the way she needs. 

After the talk with my daughter I didn't bring it up again.  I asked her to think about it and to see if she would be interested in seeing a new therapist that can help her better. 

I just don't know what to say or do anymore in this situation.  I have been loosing sleep thinking about it.  I don't know if I did more damage or have pushed the button towards getting the right help we all need. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I think anytime you can have a calm conversation with your dd about her struggles is good. I am not the one to keep this kind of information from my dd but I do say that because she is young it is hard to say if she is BPD for sure. I do think that sometimes it help for the pwBPD to know that they are BPD.

The one thing I see as an issue is your dd asking about your relationship with your h... . my dd like to try and divide my H and me... . so my concern here is that she is asking these questions to try and split you and your h up... .

I think it is good you had this conversation with her and if there is a better T then I would seek that out. My dd started a group therapy in Dec and she really like it and I think it is something kids can work out their problems etc... . I think it gives them a chance to see that others are struggling like they are and see how they dealt with the same problem. I would suggest a group if you can find one along with individual therapy too.

[changingme]

Thank you for the reply jellibeans! You really made me feel a little better that maybe it wasn't so wrong.

I am almost positive she has BPD she is almost a splitting image of her dad but on a teenage level. 

We are split so and unfortunately we dragged her through cycles and she is trying to make sense of all of it now.

What type of group therapy is your dd in? This isn't an avenue I have looked into yet.  Are all the kids there pwBPD or do they have other mental illnesses?

It was such a struggle to find this therapist because of the availability in this area.  Going through the insurance there are wait lists in many many offices and others never bother returning calls or emails!

[jellibeans]

She sees a T on an individual basis but this T also has groups during the week as well. She is DBT and I don't think all are the kids are BPD but they have some traits I think. My dd doesn't believe she is BPD... . she doesn't think she has a problem but I think the older she gts the more she starts to accept a bit of the responsibility. Normally she blames everyone else for her issues. Just tonight she was blaming me for her having no friends... . she has no friend because she is hard to be around and her friend get tired of her lying to them and stealing. The mood swings are also hard on people to cope with. This is the first therapist she has gone to and liked... . she had two other therapist before this so we are pretty happy to have found her.

Do you think you could suggest this to your dd's T? Maybe she could start one or help you find one.

[changingme]

My daughter, fortunately, had good insight and as upset as it made her to think she may have BPD, she was also relieved because she has been saying for the longest she thinks she has a mental illness and for the longest I didn't know anything about BPD.  She knows something is off with her mood swings, she starting questioning bipolar on her own. 

I think talking to my d first and then to her T is a good start, although I do believe we will have to move to someone new. 

[jellibeans]

I think that is key... . find someone your dd can talk to and want to see... . my dd resisted the last two therapist until we found the one she sees now. She has really made an impact on her and I see such a difference after I pick her up. She can go in angry and mad and come out completely different. Keep searching... . good luck... .