I tried validating but I think it might be too late...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDbf is overseas in a combat area. He had been on this yo-yo of emotions, calling me names (liar) and saying I was untrustworthy and he knew it on an off for about 2 weeks. Meanwhile, with each attack from him I was fighting (what I thought was) the good fight, defending myself, getting frustrated and just shutting down. I was and still am exhausted. The only reason I'm here is because, if history is any indication, we'll be back in contact soon at his request and I'm trying to figure out how to use these techniques so communication isn't worse.

I have NO idea if I will ever be in a relationship with this man again. I'm not even sure if he reaches out to me that I won't just go NC and leave it be. That's how over this situation I really am right now. I am too emotionally drained to decide which way I'll go.

Anyway, since you all have been dealing with this on a number of levels for some time, please tell me if this correspondence was an acceptable form of validation? This was my last response to him. I stopped talking to him after I sent this. He said he didn't want to talk to me and, frankly, I'm tired of this crazy-making cycle. So I sent this and have been done with it ever since. Before this last exchange, I had to practically hunt him down to get him to talk to me; not realizing he was doing the silent treatment to "punish" me once again. I've told him before that I don't like that and had I realized that's what he was doing, I would have responded by enforcing my boundaries. However, I missed that cues that he was in a classic BPD moment and sort of chased after a response from him... . and I'm mad at myself for doing so. In response to him (finally) telling me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that I was untrustworthy, I just sent this email, verbatim:

"It sounds like you're exhausted because you feel like I didn't do enough but said too much.

No one would want to be with someone they think is all talk and little action. It sounds like that's what you think I do. You have the right to your own opinions and feelings. I see things differently, though, and I have the right to my feelings and opinions as well. The way I see things, I'm pretty busy rebuilding my life, working, studying and getting adjusted in this new place. I don't do much that would cause me to interact with men and when I have to, I've learned to be mindful of what their intentions might be. I don't feel untrustworthy and I do not believe I'm acting untrustworthy either.

You have the right to your opinions and don't have to agree with me. I know it seems like things are happening that aren't. We had good times and great conversations. I know you don't like feeling like I'm doing those things with others. I'm sorry you feel that way."

This whole idea of validation feels strange to me because what I want to say is "get the hell over yourself, I'm committed to you and I'm sick of having this SAME freaking conversation every third day of your choosing!"

However... . I know that would make matters worse. I know I have to sort through feelings of anger toward him because as it stands, I really do not like him right now and I feel like a weight has been lifted because we aren't talking. I don't want to reach out to him... . and I'm not sure that if he reaches out to me that I will respond. I just know what I feel right NOW... . and the silence is my friend.

Sigh... . thoughts?

[ConfusedGyrl80]

My uBPDbf is overseas in a combat area. He had been on this yo-yo of emotions, calling me names (liar) and saying I was untrustworthy and he knew it on an off for about 2 weeks. Meanwhile, with each attack from him I was fighting (what I thought was) the good fight, defending myself, getting frustrated and just shutting down. I was and still am exhausted. The only reason I'm here is because, if history is any indication, we'll be back in contact soon at his request and I'm trying to figure out how to use these techniques so communication isn't worse.

I have NO idea if I will ever be in a relationship with this man again. I'm not even sure if he reaches out to me that I won't just go NC and leave it be. That's how over this situation I really am right now. I am too emotionally drained to decide which way I'll go.

Anyway, since you all have been dealing with this on a number of levels for some time, please tell me if this correspondence was an acceptable form of validation? This was my last response to him. I stopped talking to him after I sent this. He said he didn't want to talk to me and, frankly, I'm tired of this crazy-making cycle. So I sent this and have been done with it ever since. Before this last exchange, I had to practically hunt him down to get him to talk to me; not realizing he was doing the silent treatment to "punish" me once again. I've told him before that I don't like that and had I realized that's what he was doing, I would have responded by enforcing my boundaries. However, I missed that cues that he was in a classic BPD moment and sort of chased after a response from him... . and I'm mad at myself for doing so. In response to him (finally) telling me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that I was untrustworthy, I just sent this email, verbatim:

"It sounds like you're exhausted because you feel like I didn't do enough but said too much.

No one would want to be with someone they think is all talk and little action. It sounds like that's what you think I do. You have the right to your own opinions and feelings. I see things differently, though, and I have the right to my feelings and opinions as well. The way I see things, I'm pretty busy rebuilding my life, working, studying and getting adjusted in this new place. I don't do much that would cause me to interact with men and when I have to, I've learned to be mindful of what their intentions might be. I don't feel untrustworthy and I do not believe I'm acting untrustworthy either.

You have the right to your opinions and don't have to agree with me. I know it seems like things are happening that aren't. We had good times and great conversations. I know you don't like feeling like I'm doing those things with others. I'm sorry you feel that way."

This whole idea of validation feels strange to me because what I want to say is "get the hell over yourself, I'm committed to you and I'm sick of having this SAME freaking conversation every third day of your choosing!"

However... . I know that would make matters worse. I know I have to sort through feelings of anger toward him because as it stands, I really do not like him right now and I feel like a weight has been lifted because we aren't talking. I don't want to reach out to him... . and I'm not sure that if he reaches out to me that I will respond. I just know what I feel right NOW... . and the silence is my friend.

Sigh... . thoughts?

[hoping4hope]

Haven't read your other posts.

If not hearing from your uBPDbf is a relief then, it sounds like you might be able to let this relationship go.

I don't know your relationship history. Was he clearly BPD before he left?  Could the stress of being over there be bringing out this insecurity?  Other people could be putting doubt in his head about you... . soldiers worrying about getting forgotten.  Again, I don't know your history with him, so ignore this if it is not pertinent.

Anyway enjoy the peace and think if it is worth disturbing it by reconnecting... .