Accusations of abuse

[tryinghard2012]

Any experience in dealing with mothers who accuse others of abuse? Either emotional, sexual or physical. How far will they go? Ideas to cope? Trying to decide to keep going on to no contract... .

[Kwamina]

These BPD moms can go pretty far, I believe this is one of their tactics to make everyone believe that they're a poor victim. Is she accusing you of abusing her? My way of coping is trusting my own instincts and not immediately believing everything she says because I know my BPD mom often lies and exaggarates or tells half-truths. When she accuses me of something I didn't do I try not to take anything she says personally because I know she isn't telling the truth.

[weird_lover_wilde]

... . yes... . yes... . YES

My BPD mom is ALWAYS accusing others of abuse or assault--but she is ALWAYS very careful to not have any of her stories verified or tested.

It is very very scary to listen to, because if you were hearing abuse allegations from *anyone else* you would be horrified and disgusted and sickened.  But when someone has a history of unprovable and dubious allegations that don't ever make any sense... . well... . that really makes things difficult for the listener: how do you respond appropriately?

For example, when my BPD mom was in the throes of her illness (and substance abuse issues as well), she forced me to listen to a particularly heinous story involving her mother, my nana, and her brother.  (I say *forced* because I kept trying to stop her by saying "mom, I can't hear this.  I don't want to hear this.  You have a therapist*... . I can't be a therapist... . " etc.).  Apparently this "abuse" took place when she was 6 and she had "suppressed" it.

Well, I just didn't know what to do.  If she was telling the truth (which she clearly wanted me to believe) I would have cut my grandmother off forever.  There would be repercussions, clearly! 

But my mother made it VERY CLEAR that I was NOT to talk to my grandmother or anyone else about this--particularly not my uncle or his family. 

So let me recap:  Mom tells me horrific information and then tells me I can't say or do anything about it other than to offer her unbridled sympathy.

I wish I could say that this only happened once--but it doesn't.  It happens maybe once a year.  With so much abuse it's hard to know when it happens, considering she rarely leaves her room or house... .

... . except to visit her mother, which she is doing RIGHT NOW.  (yes, the mother that ostensibly abused her--she must have forgotten?).  She spends a week with her every month or so and is chipper as a lark when she goes and comes back.  She can summon and forget abuse like it's just a piece of gossip being thrown around.

Side note:  I did ask my grandmother about it.  She was mostly sad that my mom would think of such a thing, but she also knows that she is sick.

The really frustrating thing about all of this is that ABUSE ALLEGATIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES and my mother doesn't seem to acknowledge that.  She has not only cried "abuse" for herself, but on behalf of others.  It has (understandably) caused problems.   



*she has since fired the therapist and is no longer in any therapy at all

[mommasa]

Yes! my BPDmom accused my DH of molesting our children. She took it VERY far, calling CPS against us, posting a you tube video addressed to my son making the accusations, calling my DH's work. We went NC and are currently vlc. the precautions I took: 1) I had her emails routed to an account where i don't see them but they are saved b/c she says tons of crazy things and i keep them as proof that she is crazy and that she makes these accusations ALL the time (she accused one of my uncles of hiring underage prostitutes and another uncle of sleeping with his sister); 2) we called the police and they couldn't press charges for the harassment but they did call her and tell her to knock it off; 3) I was seeing a therapist and my therapist agreed that if she ever got to the point of trying to make a criminal allegation against me or my husband that she would get involved; 4) when I do talk with BPDmom, b/c we are vlc now, I always use medium chill - the less information she has about my personal life, the less she can use to make up allegations and stories. Luckily for me, she has been involuntarily committed which we have documentation of as well if we ever need it - but it is honestly something we worry about still and feel like we have to stay vigilant about. i hope some of those ideas can work for you - stay safe!