How to detach

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Another rant.  I try to disengage.  Then I am accused of doing nothing to "repair the damage" I have caused.  Walking away is self preservation.  I have no desire to go back to a one sided conversation in which I get blasted.  How do I respond to phone calls, texts and the expectation that we sit down and "talk"?

[Steve4444]

Another rant.  I try to disengage.  Then I am accused of doing nothing to "repair the damage" I have caused.  Walking away is self preservation.  I have no desire to go back to a one sided conversation in which I get blasted.  How do I respond to phone calls, texts and the expectation that we sit down and "talk"?

[schwing]

Whenever you zig, she zags.  When you try, she withdraws.  When you withdraw, she accuses you of giving up.  It doesn't matter what she says, only what she does matters.  And what has been her consistent behavior?

I know it's difficult when she makes you feel guilty, or makes you feel like you are giving up on your obligation, or makes you feel uncertain or afraid that you're making a mistake.  But you'll need to find a way to not put so much weight into what she says, and just remember and discern her actions as the best determinant of her intentions.

How do you respond to her phone calls, texts and expectation that you re-engage with her?  You respond in a manner that is consistent with the message you are trying to communicate to her, that she is unwilling to hear.  If your intention is to disengage, then disengage by not responding.  If you have already explained yourself, then she is just not willing to hear what you mean and is trying to get you to change your mind.

[Steve4444]

I don't want to respond to phone calls, texts, etc.  No matter how I respond, it isn't right.  It is defensive, or argumentative, or not productive, or not acknowledging my poor behavior, or picking a fight, or ... .    It doesn't matter how I respond.  If I don't respond, I am ignoring her, giving up, don't care, going into my man cave, etc.

[schwing]

I don't want to respond to phone calls, texts, etc.  No matter how I respond, it isn't right.  It is defensive, or argumentative, or not productive, or not acknowledging my poor behavior, or picking a fight, or ... .   It doesn't matter how I respond.

No matter how you respond, she will not treat you right.

It doesn't matter how you respond.  *Even* if you do not respond.  If you do not respond, you are setting a limit on how she can mistreat you.  You are telling her, because there is no way that she can intact with you that is respectful to you, and not just using you for her ends, then you are choosing not to interact with her.

And this might include, not listening to any messages she leaves, or not reading any letters, e-mails, or texts that she might leave.  If you are concerned that there might be a legal matter, or some issue of logistics, that still needs to be taken care of, you can have a third party (such as a good friend) read it for you and tell you if anything needs your attention.  Most if not all of it will not.

If I don't respond, I am ignoring her, giving up, don't care, going into my man cave, etc.

If you don't respond, then you are taking care of yourself.  It is her prerogative to devalue you when you don't respond, just as she devalues you when you do.  You just need to protect yourself, and insulate yourself from her disordered devaluating behaviors.

[Steve4444]

Thank you.  This makes sense.  I will try very hard to set this boundary.