Told udxBPDh I'm done, what now? 2 kids, no money, losing house.

[DramaEverything]

Finally got the courage to tell my udxBPDh I can't stand putting the kids through this abuse anymore.  My children are much to important and have lived through enough of his madness.  They can't even be children.  I am the momma bear and I've had enough.  They will know I saved them because they mean EVERYTHING to me.  We are going to go on as three and be the happiest littliest family.  H can go on and enjoy his "silence".  That's all he's ever wanted.  Noisy kids bother him.  He got what he wished for.

Now that I feel a bit better that I told him how I felt and that this relationship is done, after 20 years, what do I do now? 

I've read a few things about child support/alimony.  How fast do I need to get that rolling?

I don't have a job, I stay home with the kids, always have.  We are probably going to short-sale our home.  Can't afford the mortgage payments.  We haven't made a payment in two months.

Thank you for any info you can provide.

[marbleloser]

First,you need to stay in the home,with the kids.Don't worry about not having a job at the moment.Go speak to an attorney.Interview several.

If you decide to file for divorce,you'll most likely be asking for alimony,child support,legal fees,medical coverage,your H to pay the mortgage payment,1/2 of retirement accounts,pretty much the status quo as has been taking place up until now.

If your H is abusive,you can ask for exclusive use of the marital home and he may be made to leave.He'll still be responsable for all of the above.He may leave on his own or you may have to stick it out with him while the divorce process is taking place,if he's not a threat physically.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, think things through before you start making choices that can't be undone.  For example, the house.  A house is a building, your home will be wherever you live and what you make of it.  So do you move out, short sell, stay in until the end?  Before deciding that seek out some consultations with family law attorneys.  Often it is free or relatively inexpensive to get a consultation.  Get more than one or two so then (1) you get different opinions and ideas and (2) so you can pick the better one.  Some are better than others, some will make you feel more protected and engaged than others.

The fact is that you're unlikely to get everything you ask for.  It seems that most courts don't want to seem to favor one parent over the other, they rather both walk out feeling they go shortchanged rather than one fell a winner and the other fell a loser.  For that reason, don't feel bad about asking for more than your 'fair share'.  Remember, if you're going to be the one raising the children most of the time, you'll need every little bit you can scrounge.

Most here can identify with being the more reasonable spouse - more like the only reasonable spouse  - and we belatedly realized that our sense of fairness, niceness, and agreeableness worked against us when we found that our marriages or relationships had imploded.  Be sure that you accept that you have to beware of following your natural tendency of being too nice, too polite, too fair, too whatever.  Such inclinations at this point would be self-sabotaging to yourself and your children.  Got it?  You'll probably have to remind yourself of this point multiple times in the months to come.

[momtara]

Lots of good advice here.

Congrats on your courage.  How old are the kids?

If you are a stay at home mom, you have an advantage in custody.  But marble is right; courts do want to make sure both sides get decent time.

I am a family of 3 with my 2 little kids and it's been wonderful.  I can breathe now, and not look over my shoulder anymore.  There are times I miss him or feel bad for him, but I can't live with that sinking feeling in my tummy all the time, tiptoeing around, etc.