Guilt

[Verbena]

Rapt Reader, thank you for the information on "fleas", etc.  I've been doing a lot of reading on here lately and continue to be shocked at how similar my situation is to so many others. 

I never intended to ignore DD's birthday but didn't know if a card in the mail was all I should do.  The card and check are going in the mail today, and I will send her a text on the actual day telling her happy birthday.

My husband texted her this week (we've had zero contact since the Saturday before Mother's Day) saying maybe they could go out for lunch together.  She responded favorably but hasn't followed through with setting up a time with him.  However, now he wishes he hadn't contacted her because of a new wrinkle in the drama.

It seems that a few days ago her brother posted something about forgiveness on his FB wall (he had his sister in mind but it was just a generic post really) and the former best friend, the one I shared my concerns about DD with, "liked" it.  My son-in-law then posted a long response in which he slammed the former best friend for "liking" a post on forgiveness when she has never apologized to my daughter.  The friend has not spoken to my daughter at all since we were "caught" discussing our concerns for her.  She knows how DD would react so she has stayed away, and I think that is a wise move on her part.  Anyway, my SIL's response on the FB post was way over the top.  I still can't believe he did that for everyone to see.  My son deleted it all.  Judging from the people who "liked" what SIL had to say, we now know that DD has told family members on my husband's side what happened.  I'm sure she left out the part about her behavior for the last fifteen years or so. 

Anyway, that's the current status of affairs.  I suspect we will hear something from her on Father's Day.  She might even come over here as she did the night before Mother's Day.  I will do everything in my power not to engage in any discussion with her other than polite small talk, if that.  I am determined not to go back to the way it was, and if that means no contact then it does.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Gee, Verbena... .     I feel so bad for your son, who was just expressing his feelings, and trying to help in some little way. It's crazy how such a little, innocent act or comment can blow up into some major storm of a problem with people who have BPD or BPD traits! Maybe your SIL is uBPD, or has those "fleas" that made him react in such a way? {{{{{shiver}}}}} I truly hope your son isn't suffering from guilt or remorse for his FB post; he's not in any way to blame for trying to be a good brother and son   

I think whatever you decide to do for your daughter's birthday, if it works for you, it will be right... . You know the old saying "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" probably will be in effect here, and so you do what makes you happy, and what will enable you to sleep at night knowing you did the right thing... . I so can relate to how things are going with your D and her H. I'm always very careful dealing with my S34 and his W; we're still on speaking/emailing terms, but I truly never know when the next perfect storm will brew up over some innocuous thing I inadvertently do or say   

Good luck on Father's Day, and I really think you've learned the tools of validation, radical acceptance and boundaries at this point to get through it in one piece   I can sense the detachment you are starting to feel with this; that she is who she is and you can't change her... . Much love   

[Verbena]

Thanks for your response, Rapt Reader!  No, my new son-in-law is not BPD at all.  He's just going way overboard defending my daughter and in complete denial about her problems and blaming others which is what she's always done.  So maybe he is picking up some "fleas" along the way.  I'm sad for her and for him both.    I'm sure life for him would be horrible if he wasn't doing what he's doing.  Still, he is not helping my DD with his behavior. 

And yes, my son felt bad that his post prompted all this.  He is going to China for two years in August (he's in England now) and won't be allowed over there to have a Facebook.  I've already gotten rid of mine and my husband is about to do the same. DD thrives on FB because she presents herself in a completely different way from the way she behaves much of the time.  Most of her thousand or so FB friends have no clue about her issues. 

I mailed the birthday card earlier today and still plan to send a text on her actual birthday.  We'll see what happens.  It's interesting that you used the term "perfect storm".  I was talking to my sister just last night and that expression came up.  The current crises (me talking with DD's best friend about her issues and unacceptable behavior and DD finding out) was truly the perfect storm.  Her riff with her SIL for the last year was wearing thin, and she needed something new so she could be a victim.  This situation is really a two-for-one because she can gain sympathy from people who can't believe her own mother and own best friend could be so horrible.  Those people would see it differently if they had walked in her friend's shoes and especially my shoes. 

I almost dread the day when we do get back on speaking terms because I know it will just be a matter of time until I do something to offend her.  It just won't ever be that I talked to a friend about her.  I will never do that again because I won't ever again be foolish enough to think that a friend could get through to her when I can't.  I don't know if anyone can get through to her, especially when her own new husband is backing her up, in denial, and willing to say what he said for the world to see. 

I hope your next "storm" is a long way off.  I'll keep you and your son and DIL in my prayers. 

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the prayers, Verbena... . you are in mine, also     Every time things are sorta on the quiet (but not No Communication) side with them, I always wonder if it is the "lull before the storm." Because, well~~you never know, you know   I think your SIL may well have the same "fleas" that I believe my own son is infested with 

What books have you been reading? I know that "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was invaluable for my understanding and healing. Have you gone to The Learning Center down towards the bottom of the Message Boards page? There are links there to Workshops, Articles, Book Reviews, etc. that may have some valuable information for you... . Not only for learning how to communicate with your Daughter, but also for learning how to take care of yourself. I feel like it's time to be good to you now~~do you take time to make yourself happy? I can't remember if you've mentioned any hobbies or extracurricular activities, but things like that would sure take your mind off of your D and all the stress related to that relationship. Maybe you are doing that already, and I'm just worrying about you for no reason   

I feel connected to you; your situation resembles mine in a lot of ways--not only do I have a child (a son, 36) DXed with BPD, but also the other son (34) with the undiagnosed W. I "get" you and what you are dealing with   

[Verbena]

Rapt Reader, yes we are in similar situations.  One person in my life with this illness is nearly more than I can take, and you have a double dose of it! I think you have a better grasp on dealing with it than I do, but I'm getting there.  I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells several times and have looked at some of the links here.  I just need to do more and prepare myself so that whatever happens next, I will be ready to deal with it the best way possible.   

I retired at 51 last year and basically do what I want when I want.  I am a major homebody and get enjoyment from working on my house and in my yard.  I have a decorating business that keeps me busy.  I currently have several projects going and hope to start another next week--a living room makeover that I'm excited about.  Thank you for thinking of me.  I really don't sit around and dwell on all of this mess like it might seem.  I've dealt with everything for so long that I'm pretty much numb to it.  I did wake up in the middle of the night in tears over my daughter this last week, and I do think of her often. 

As far as I know, I don't personally know anyone in my situation and that can be so isolating.  It's such a relief to come on this board and say whatever I want knowing that people understand. 

[Rapt Reader]

Rapt Reader, yes we are in similar situations.  One person in my life with this illness is nearly more than I can take, and you have a double dose of it!   

 

As far as I know, I don't personally know anyone in my situation and that can be so isolating.  It's such a relief to come on this board and say whatever I want knowing that people understand. 

Ah, Verbena... . You forget that my Mother-In-Law is also (undiagnosed, but definitely) BPD    And, yes... . It is such a relief to be part of a community where people understand what you are talking about! That's why I spend so much time on this site myself

I'm glad you've got so many things to keep your mind off of your D's troubles; I knew about your home decorating business (that's how you end up being around your D's MIL, right?) and my husband, also, gets his stress relieved by working outside in the yard and in the garden (I'm more of an "inside" gal, myself   ). You mentioned in a prior post that you have family members and outside friends who don't know the symptoms and behaviors your D manifests with you, and how hard that is to stomach; I know exactly how that feels, also... . My DIL & S34 have put me in that spot, too... . Sometimes I just want to spill my story to set it straight with everyone so that the "evil Mother/Mother-In-Law" role they sometimes put me in is smashed to bits... . Oh well... .  

I'm happy you are here in this community, to talk to... .  

[Verbena]

I have been anxious all day thinking DD would make an appearance since it's Father's Day.  However, it's after 8 p.m., and we haven't heard from her.  She also never followed through with making plans to eat lunch with her daddy as he suggested in a text a few days ago.  My son told me on Skype today that he sent his sister and BIL a FB message a few days ago letting them know he has taken a job in China for two years, but he never got a response. 

I guess I'm relieved she didn't come over because I'm really not wanting to be around her.  But I am surprised.  It's not like her to ignore something like Father's Day.  She's big into giving cards and gifts.