Do BPD chose controling partners

[Applehead]

I know they're controlling but do they usually chose controlling partners?  It seems they do bc if you're a push over they steamroll you and get bored and move on.  Do you need to play it like you don't care to keep ypur BP partner?  If not, what do you need to do to keep them interested and make the r/s last or last longer? 

[SadWifeofBPD]

This is my take from my own experience with BPDH... .

H is very needy, ridiculously needy (but functioning, well-employed, etc).

So, it was his primary goal to find someone who would take care of him.  He readily admits that he chose me because I can manage a lot of things that he can't do.  H doesn't want to do housework, laundry, daily childcare (he'd do occasional), planning, holiday shopping, etc, so he wanted a mate who'd do all those things.

When you think about it, the kind of person who can do "all those things," is someone who's organized.  The derogatory term would be "controlling."  Right? 

That's the problem:  Organized people, people who "plan ahead", are often labeled as controlling.  But, that's because they know that chaos ensues when budgets aren't kept, plans aren't made, foresight isn't used, etc.

So, yes, I would guess that many pwBPD choose "controlling" partners.

[bruceli]

This is my take from my own experience with BPDH... .

H is very needy, ridiculously needy (but functioning, well-employed, etc).

So, it was his primary goal to find someone who would take care of him.  He readily admits that he chose me because I can manage a lot of things that he can't do.  H doesn't want to do housework, laundry, daily childcare (he'd do occasional), planning, holiday shopping, etc, so he wanted a mate who'd do all those things.

When you think about it, the kind of person who can do "all those things," is someone who's organized.  The derogatory term would be "controlling."  Right? 

That's the problem:  Organized people, people who "plan ahead", are often labeled as controlling.  But, that's because they know that chaos ensues when budgets aren't kept, plans aren't made, foresight isn't used, etc.

So, yes, I would guess that many pwBPD choose "controlling" partners.

I can't remember ever seeing anyone explain this better... . Thank you... . Will be bringing this to T session on Tuesday... .

[DivDad]

Blines choose nice people for the most part.  They choose "Rescuers".

They want the non-Bline partner to do all the mundane things in life.  They usually shy away from basic organizing... . and planning.

They are constantly wanting the non-Bline to prove themselves.  To do all the work... . but once done, they undo it... . ignore it... . make last minute decisions to undo it ... . or cause chaos. When a non Bline plans something... . the Bliner will burn all the candles at all the ends... . and pick the one that suits them... . usuallly deciding  at the last minute.

Blines are parasites.  They know they can beat down the nice people... . and feed off them.  They isolate the nice folks in their partners life... . from their friends and family... . and are demanding when the mundane things are not done. 

Blines who are married rarely pay the monthly bills.  Rarely plan a vacation and follow thru with it.

A Bline will accuse a non-Bline of the very thing that they are doing themselves.

When a strong partner begins pushing back in an early courting... . relationship... . the Bline will bail... . and move on to someone else. 

Nice people... . or the normal ones... . can't say no... . early on in a relationship.  The Bline will set the hook by being nice then not so nice after the relationship starts to percolate.

And the list can go on and on... .

[ComoLu]

I am a well organized rescuer, and I was married to my uxBPDH for 34 yrs.  What made him stay and hide most of his symptoms from me?  I have no idea.  I always took care of him.  He never took care of me except financially, and even then if I hadn't been a frugal saver, we would have had nothing.  I don't think there is any magic formula for keeping them interested and keeping them in a relationship.  They have their needs and their timing, and for each pwBPD, it seems to be different. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

I think the word "controlling" or the words "control freak" get misused by pwBPD. 

A "control freak" is someone who "goes too far" and denies another person reasonable choices, and can even be very hypocritical.  For instance, a Control Freak may think it's fine that he plays poker with his friends one night a week, but won't allow his wife the same privilege.  Or, a Control Freak may tightly limit the clothing choices of his/her mate, or may tightly control the spending habits of his/her mate when their income would allow a little more freedom. 

I have a friend who is a Control Freak.  She "goes too far" with her H and her kids about their personal choices. I have frequently "called her out" and she's very good about "backing off" once confronted (she doesn't have a PD).  She wanted to pick out her Ds clothing choices for far too long (hey, we know that when girls get beyond a certain age, they want input on their clothes!). 

However, in the case of a family with a pwBPD, the organized person who isn't "going too far" gets unfairly labeled because he/she has to put the brakes on some ridiculous and dangerous impulsive behaviors that the pwBPD is about to do.

[waverider]

They can only stay with organised and capable people. Not necessarily controlling in the real world, though they may eventually seem like "control freaks" in a the eyes of the pwBPD. The non has to able to compensate for the pwBPD especially if low functioning, otherwise the whole RS becomes too dysfunctional to function

With genuine control freaks the clash would be too great. A real control freak could never cope with a borderline, for as we know they cant be controlled.

[SadWifeofBPD]

They can only stay with organised and capable people. Not necessarily controlling in the real world, though they may eventually seem like "control freaks" in a the eyes of the pwBPD. The non has to able to compensate for the pwBPD especially if low functioning, otherwise the whole RS becomes too dysfunctional to function

With genuine control freaks the clash would be too great. A real control freak could never cope with a borderline, for as we know they cant be controlled.

The above and other people's responses here have been very informative.  I had noticed a tendency to "latch on" to "capable people".  Before we got married, H had a roommate that was a former Navy Seal.  That guy could do ANYTHING because of his amazing training.  He also managed everything (bill paying, social planning, fixing things, etc).  Shortly after H and I began dating, the roommate (rightly) complained that H wasn't "pulling his weight".   I (wrongly) rescued H by beginning to do a number of chores for him.  (what an idiot I was... . )

[SadWifeofBPD]

They want the non-Bline partner to do all the mundane things in life.  They usually shy away from basic organizing... . and planning.

They are constantly wanting the non-Bline to prove themselves.  To do all the work... . but once done, they undo it... . ignore it... . make last minute decisions to undo it ... . or cause chaos. When a non Bline plans something... . the Bliner will burn all the candles at all the ends... . and pick the one that suits them... . usuallly deciding  at the last minute.

For a long time, I thought that BPDH would undo the plans that I made because he had no clue about the effort that had been spent putting the plan together.  For instance, if you've never planned a dinner party, then you may not realize how much time goes into menu-planning, shopping for the ingredients, food prep and cooking, cleaning up the house, setting a nice table, getting the food presented nicely, appetizers, drinks, dessert, coffee, etc.

I still think that some of their "undoing" is due to the fact that they're clueless about the effort involved.  I also think that their impulsiveness and self-centeredness also come into play. 

[waverider]

I still think that some of their "undoing" is due to the fact that they're clueless about the effort involved.  I also think that their impulsiveness and self-centeredness also come into play. 

I also think this is true, it is the extreme idealist thinking rather than realistic thinking. Realistic thinking means weighing up and balancing pros and cons and then making best compromised decisions to get best job done with available resources and time... . ie regulating resources.

pwBPD struggle regulate anything. Anything is possible or nothing is possible not a compromise. Hence they cant action their own big plans, so do nothing. This total lack of productivity further undermines their own sense of worth, requiring more projection to hide that.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I like those words "extreme idealist thinking, but what exactly does that mean?

I think it's part of their emotional immaturity.  We don't expect toddlers to understand and they easily will disrupt plans.

[SadWifeofBPD]

pwBPD struggle to regulate anything. Anything is possible or nothing is possible not a compromise.

Hence they cant action their own big plans, so do nothing. This total lack of productivity further undermines their own sense of worth, requiring more projection to hide that.

That makes sense.  That's probably why they can get addicted to various things more easily:  drugs, alcohol, exercise, video games, watching TV... . they have trouble limiting themselves and use moderation. 

"They can't action their own plans."  Hmmm... . I can see that.  Frequently, on a Tuesday or Wednesday, H would say, "this Saturday, I'm going to do: (some chore)."  But on Saturday, he'd say he's too tired, not in the mood, going to do it later, going to take a nap first, etc. 

"undermines their self-worth"   Yes, because later, H would feel sad that he hadn't gotten done whatever it was he said he was going to do.   And, he'd pledge to do it next Saturday, and the cycle would continue.

I tried to alleviate some of this by saying, "don't worry about it, I can get someone to fix that or do that."   But, I guess that wasn't helping. 

H also has a VERY difficult time with figuring out how long a chore or activity will take.  I used to tease him about "double booking" because he would commit us to 2 or 3 activities/events on the same afternoon (for instance 2-3 different BBQs at different people's homes).  Instead of admitting that we couldn't "do it all" and decline the events that we couldn't attend, H would INSIST that we could attend all the events.   I used to argue with him, but then I soon learned just to let REALITY tell him (when time would simply run out and the other events would get missed). 

I just wish I had known H had BPD years ago, and had some understanding, then I would have realized I was dealing with a young child's mind.  A young child with 3 fun birthday party invites on the same afternoon might think he could somehow go to all of them. 

[waverider]

I just wish I had known H had BPD years ago, and had some understanding, then I would have realized I was dealing with a young child's mind.  A young child with 3 fun birthday party invites on the same afternoon might think he could somehow go to all of them. 

Thats why they stick with capable and organized partners so some of it might get achieved. Then when you try limiting it to try to organize it, then you are regarded as controlling. The rescuer then gets shot as the messenger of bad news.

So to avoid getting frustrated you really have to step away and let then fail.

[MaybeSo]

Borderline can show a defecit in executive function; that's were we do our planning and organizing and anticipating consequences.

Borderline can be more about spontaneity, impulsivity and living large in the moment.

Mates tend to find someone who represents or makes up for a part of self that is weak or less developed; we likely become initially enchanted with their spontaneity and our stability is likely attractive and needed on some level by them.

The troublesome control issues generally have to do with getting stuck on rescuing, fixing or changing or trying to manage another adults behavior (instead of managing ourselves). Even when done with good intention, that effort becomes about control, and it never works. I fell into this pattern pretty significantly for a period of time, and was accused of being "controlling" by my ex.  It didn't feel good to be accused of being controlling especially since I felt my hard work and attempts to help were just good common sense... . but I was, in fact, at the time,  being "controlling".

[SadWifeofBPD]

I just wish I had known H had BPD years ago, and had some understanding, then I would have realized I was dealing with a young child's mind.  A young child with 3 fun birthday party invites on the same afternoon might think he could somehow go to all of them. 

Thats why they stick with capable and organized partners so some of it might get achieved. Then when you try limiting it to try to organize it, then you are regarded as controlling. The rescuer then gets shot as the messenger of bad news.

So to avoid getting frustrated you really have to step away and let then fail.

Well, I agree with that somewhat.  When I step away, and bad things happen, H will still dysregulate, find a way to blame me anyway (you didn't help me, you're supposed to be my friend, etc). 

I do agree that "stepping away" and letting them fail does show them that their wild-haired ideas won't work. 

[jollygreen]

My exBPD would go through phases of wanting me to make decisions and be the "person who wears the pants" so to speak, to a phase of where I was more emotional and loving/romantic. How do I know, she actually told me multiple times throughout our 3 years together. The phases seemed to alternate twice a month.  However, towards the end of our relationship she went into an 'I want to be independent phase' like I was crowding her, and that's when she split me black because I didn't know what BPD was at the time. So in conclusion, she wanted to be in control, controlled by someone and out of control. I never knew when or which it would be, .

[SadWifeofBPD]

So in conclusion, she wanted to be in control, controlled by someone and out of control.

Ha!  That about covers it for many of us! 

My H would often say, "I want you to make the decisions." or "I trust your judgment" or "you'r better at this than I am."

Even when it came to picking out furnishing, colors, etc, he'd always say, "I don't really care.  Pick out what you like."

But, once he was angry, he'd yell at me for being a Control Freak and that I was the one who had to have my own way.

I tried to explain to him that whenever he said that he wanted me to do the choosing, then in reality, he was getting HIS way.  He was choosing not to choose.  He was choosing to let someone else choose. 

[waverider]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

[SadWifeofBPD]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

[waverider]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

Ok, we may not be able to prevent them making it an issue, but how can we prevent us from taking that on board and letting it get to us?

[SadWifeofBPD]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

Ok, we may not be able to prevent them making it an issue, but how can we prevent us from taking that on board and letting it get to us?

That's a good question.  Think about it.  If there are situations where you had NOTHING to do with a decision or you only had limited input, but then later you are fully blamed (and insulted) about the decision, I guess you can just "chalk it up to being married to a crazy person."   (Seriously, that's what my kids say:  "mom, you know that dad is crazy."   Ugh. )

[waverider]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

Ok, we may not be able to prevent them making it an issue, but how can we prevent us from taking that on board and letting it get to us?

That's a good question.  Think about it.  If there are situations where you had NOTHING to do with a decision or you only had limited input, but then later you are fully blamed (and insulted) about the decision, I guess you can just "chalk it up to being married to a crazy person."   (Seriously, that's what my kids say:  "mom, you know that dad is crazy."   Ugh. )

Yep kids are often smarter than adults when it comes to adapting to their environment.

Probably because they don't expect to be able to control others, so they dont try. They just Accept that's the way it is and just work around it ... . (Now where have we heard those lessons before?)

[SadWifeofBPD]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

Ok, we may not be able to prevent them making it an issue, but how can we prevent us from taking that on board and letting it get to us?

That's a good question.  Think about it.  If there are situations where you had NOTHING to do with a decision or you only had limited input, but then later you are fully blamed (and insulted) about the decision, I guess you can just "chalk it up to being married to a crazy person."   (Seriously, that's what my kids say:  "mom, you know that dad is crazy."   Ugh. )

Yep kids are often smarter than adults when it comes to adapting to their environment.

Probably because they don't expect to be able to control others, so they dont try. They just Accept that's the way it is and just work around it ... . (Now where have we heard those lessons before?)

... . well, both of my sons are pretty good at controlling & manipulating H.  One plays the "distracting game." (that's what I call it).   H will be upset about something, and that son will distract him by changing the subject (slyly).   H can sometimes be like a small child distracted by a shiny object. 

[bruceli]

So the question is, given we are cast in this role what can we do to not play it out?

It is too easy to get sucked into it, how do we stay objective, so it becomes a non issue?

I have tried the tactic of strongly including H in decision-making so that he won't claim that I "made the decision."  That only works for a short-time.  After some time goes by, H "forgets" that he had a major decision making role, and declares that I made the decision once again.

So, I don't know how to remain objective to make it a "non issue".  Even when I don't make a decision AT ALL, and H has been the sole person to make a decision, he will later forget and claim that I made the decision (especially if the result was a negative one.)

I know that this is a family trait for him.  I recall being at H's sister's home and the subject came up about furniture selection and SIL waved her arm across the room and declared: "well, I didn't choose one thing in this room."   I knew that wasn't true. 

I don't know what the solution is.

Ok, we may not be able to prevent them making it an issue, but how can we prevent us from taking that on board and letting it get to us?

That's a good question.  Think about it.  If there are situations where you had NOTHING to do with a decision or you only had limited input, but then later you are fully blamed (and insulted) about the decision, I guess you can just "chalk it up to being married to a crazy person."   (Seriously, that's what my kids say:  "mom, you know that dad is crazy."   Ugh. )

Yep kids are often smarter than adults when it comes to adapting to their environment.

Probably because they don't expect to be able to control others, so they dont try. They just Accept that's the way it is and just work around it ... . (Now where have we heard those lessons before?)

... . well, both of my sons are pretty good at controlling & manipulating H.  One plays the "distracting game." (that's what I call it).   H will be upset about something, and that son will distract him by changing the subject (slyly).   H can sometimes be like a small child distracted by a shiny object. 

OO... . Like doug from up... . Squirrel... .