The last straw

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have pulled back so many time from divorce over our marriage of 11 years. The rapid cycling never quits and I am tired of playing the BPD game that only she knows the rules and they change constantly. I kept thinking it was workable and once I realized the full scope of the illness and the huge denial I am able to cope with it not being personal. It is a tough situation as she has no place to go and we don't have the resources to support two house holds (no children). At this point she is lost in her own reality that I may be able to keep an upper hand through out the process, but this is Calif and divorce is a long process. There will never be a good time for this to happen and it needs to. I just have to have to faith that things will fall into place for both of us, but I have to take care of myself for once. I'm going to my second meeting with my lawyer Monday. Wish me luck.

[gonesouth]

I have pulled back so many time from divorce over our marriage of 11 years. The rapid cycling never quits and I am tired of playing the BPD game that only she knows the rules and they change constantly. I kept thinking it was workable and once I realized the full scope of the illness and the huge denial I am able to cope with it not being personal. It is a tough situation as she has no place to go and we don't have the resources to support two house holds (no children). At this point she is lost in her own reality that I may be able to keep an upper hand through out the process, but this is Calif and divorce is a long process. There will never be a good time for this to happen and it needs to. I just have to have to faith that things will fall into place for both of us, but I have to take care of myself for once. I'm going to my second meeting with my lawyer Monday. Wish me luck.

[catnap]

Is your attorney familiar with dealing with high conflict people? 

Is she aware that you are seeking a divorce?

Divorcing a person with BPD is very different than a "normal" divorce.  The chances of you being falsely accused of domestic violence is greatly increased, or having important documents destroyed or hidden from you, for instance.

An excellent resource is Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

[gonesouth]

I have told her, but no details about the divorce. I'm keeping as low a profile as possible. I have secured the bank accounts and hidden important documents. The lawyer is familiar with these situations and has spelled it out for me. Not easy. She is trying to do a fast track where the respondent is served, doesn't respond, get it to court and done deal. My wife freaks out a lot and if she gets violent I will call (as I have in the past) and have her hauled off. She went through a suicide event late last year. I even have a full set of new locks for the house when the opportunity presents itself. I am playing low key, playing a good care giver, and attending to her needs and putting up with the derogatory remarks and name calling with no response. I'm keeping an eye out for any activity on her part to take action against me. I don't underestimate her, but I feel I have the advantage by remaining calm. Another advantage is she doesn't think in a practical way, always adamant about things, but no real action. She doesn't get things together.  This will be my third divorce, so I am somewhat familiar with the process. One regret I have is I didn't file a complaint a couple years ago with she started hitting me and I had the cops come. I wasn't injured, but hoped to wake her up. My mistake.

[Matt]

Living in the same home with someone who has been violent with you, after she knows you are ending the marriage, is very dangerous.

You have handled it when she became violent with you, but it's likely she will figure out that the best way to hurt you is to call 911 and accuse you of attacking her.  If that happens, you will be arrested and charged, even if there is no evidence at all against you.  I know because it happened to me, and many others here.

Figure out a way to live apart from her as soon as possible.  Don't be alone in the same place as her, without a non-family adult third party present.

[VeryFree]

Living in the same home with someone who has been violent with you, after she knows you are ending the marriage, is very dangerous.

You have handled it when she became violent with you, but it's likely she will figure out that the best way to hurt you is to call 911 and accuse you of attacking her.  If that happens, you will be arrested and charged, even if there is no evidence at all against you.  I know because it happened to me, and many others here.

Figure out a way to live apart from her as soon as possible.  Don't be alone in the same place as her, without a non-family adult third party present.

I second this. Happened to me too.

[ForeverDad]

It is a tough situation as she has no place to go and we don't have the resources to support two house holds (no children).

What happens, happens.  You should not be held responsible for her consequences, so don't be guilted by that.  An 11 year marriage is medium length.  I don't know what your state will decide concerning temporary spousal support or short term alimony after the final decree, if any, but you're both adults, if the marriage imploded and there is risk of heightened conflict and false allegations, then you need to look out for yourself.

You may feel sorry for her, that's okay, it's normal human feelings, but make firm limits so you don't expose yourself needlessly to risks.  If you saw a wounded badger, bear or cougar, would you reach out to it or let it stay close to you?  Warning, being nice can end up being self-sabotaging and endanger you.

There will never be a good time for this to happen and it needs to.

This is acceptance of reality.  There never will be a 'good time' to end it.  If you let delays happen, something will always come up to delay action and resolution.

[gonesouth]

I appreciate all your input. I am in the hands of a capable attorney and taking her advice. I have witnesses to her illness. We went to joint counseling yesterday. I had to endure her accusations of being abusive. When the therapist asked for examples she had non except that I promised to love her. I offered the thought that if I was that bad than a divorce is a good thing for both of us. She finally digressed to rage and rants saying everybody was taking my side and stomped out. I brought her back and she talked some more nonsense. Our therapist is absolutely impartial. I know each situation is different and I am familiar with my wife's character and how to deal with her outbursts to a large degree of control. I am over the guilt and have no shame to what I need to do because this person will try to manipulate things her way. It's all about her and her feelings. Not anymore.

[Matt]

Bring a notebook to each session - court, mediation, whatever - any time you will be in the same room with the other party and/or her attorney.

Any time an accusation is made, write it down, as close to word-for-word as you can.  Then, when it's your turn to talk, read it back:  "A few minutes ago Ms. stbX said, 'Mr. South did such-and-such.'  I want to make clear that I have never done such-and-such, and that Ms. stbX can offer no evidence to support that accusation, and that if these false accusations continue, I will work with my lawyer to handle them appropriately, which might include serious consequences for Ms. stbX."  Or something like that.

Accusations are common, and most of us (including me) let them slide and assume no one will believe them.  Big mistake.  Each false accusation needs to be challenged, right away, very clearly.

Your lawyer can tell you what your options are.  Ask about criminal charges (in my state, it's a crime to falsely accuse another person of a crime, or to make false statements as part of the court process);  civil charges (easier to establish than criminal charges);  and contempt of court.  Most attorneys just let it go and don't take any action;  your attorney may not be sure if the accusations are true or not.  You might have to instruct her which actions to take after she gives you the options.

[egribkb]

Accusations are common, and most of us (including me) let them slide and assume no one will believe them.  Big mistake.  Each false accusation needs to be challenged, right away, very clearly.

Re-quoted for truth. Learned that one the hard way.

[gonesouth]

I keep a journal and have 11 years of my experience with her. I live in Calif, no mandatory arrest. I'm reading BIFF by Bill Eddy and it is helping me refine my skills with this HCP (high conflict person). Thanks for you input. I would highly recommend this book.

[em754]

Divorcing a person with BPD is very different than a "normal" divorce.  The chances of you being falsely accused of domestic violence is greatly increased, or having important documents destroyed or hidden from you, for instance.

Been there, not a pleasant state of affairs for any of the family.