No contact for 8 years and still struggling

[lexicat]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been here in a long time but right now I'm struggling so much! 8 years ago I told my mom I wanted no contact with her and my entire family cut contact. They all said I was disrespectful and that I am the problem. After years of abuse I was looking for a way to have a peaceful life but I didn't expect them to all turn their backs.

Since then I've gotten married, had a son (now 5.5 years) and even moved across the country. The thing is I am not adjusting well to moving after living in the same city 36 years (where I was born) and this year I lost my only family member that was talking to me - my dear great Aunt. A loss I will never get over.

My son is very reactive and emotional and I find it very hard to cope sometimes. I've heard myself say things to him that were said to me and I feel ashamed. I always apologize but I'm starting to see that parenting is very hard when you had such a poor example growing up. I read books and try very hard to improve myself all the time but I still make huge mistakes. My son is sad a lot of the time (the move has hurt him as well) and has terrible self esteem. I feel like a complete failure! We moved here to be near my husbands family (who are wonderful) but it's SO hard to adjust. I don't even speak the language (French). I can see that my son sees my stress and he's blaming himself.

I'm also struggling with keeping no contact with my family. I know that they aren't healthy but I worry that no contact at all is bad for my son (and me). I feel so bad that he has no family at all on my side. Since he's asked I told him the truth in simple terms but he took it very badly! He often asks me why my mom was so mean and tells me he's sad not to know her. All I told him is that she is not very nice and that something is wrong in her brain and that I want our family to be happy and safe - and some people are not safe. I feel so lost and confused I don't know how to explain this to him or in this message right now! I hope I'm making sense... .

Thank you for listening,

Lexicat

[Up In the Air]

Lexicat,

I am so sorry for the loss of your great aunt. Sounds like you've had a rough time. I know how you feel with having a hard time adjusting to a new place. This has happened to me too. It shifts and changes our entire world and it can be a huge struggle to find our new normal! I know you said that the language is French, but is there a way for you to meet people that speak English there? Perhaps making a friend or two would help you adjust. Would your in-laws be able to point you in the right direction... . an English speaking group to join or a church or something? Maybe even seeking out an English speaking therapist would benefit you by giving you an outlet about your mom and help you when you feel stressed about parenting? It helps to have someone to talk to and I bet they'd have great resources for your area where you could branch out.

It's so hard to explain adult situations to children. He'll come to understand in time. You deserve a happy, healthy, abuse free life and that's what you're trying to give both you AND him. Does your husband help explain when the topic of your mom comes up with your son? Does he work in the area? Would he be able to help your family adjust by meeting people as a family, getting settled into the area better? 

[ScarletOlive]

lexicat,

Welcome back! Wow, hun, that sounds so difficult being in a foreign country without support. It's no wonder you're struggling. Moving is hard enough, not to mention a language barrier, parenting, and facing your past.   Up In the Air gave some excellent advice, like finding an English speaking group, and maybe even an English speaking therapist. Are there any parenting groups in the area that you could attend to meet people? You're not alone. It's tough being a parent, and everyone needs support raising kids.

I'm sorry for your loss, too. I can understand why you'd reconsider NC. Is there a way you could allow them communication with you and your son that you feel would be safe and acceptable? What you told your son about your mom is a good balance - it's not too much for him to handle while giving him an age-appropriate reason.

Keep posting. We're here for you. Sending you lots of caring and support.