I am hopeless

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hi all. I just moved here from L3 detaching from a failed relationship board.

It has been 6 months ever since the domestic relationship with BPDex ended.

BPDex and I dated a year and half before I left him for good. The relationship was very self-destructive to both of us - I always fought back when I believed I was done wrong by him, which means endless fights every day sometimes it could last over 10 hours. I couldn't stand the life of "living hell" so I left after a big argument one day - it started from something so little as always - he was yelling at me because he said I was taking too long to get ready (which was not the case, because it only takes me 10 minutes to get ready. ) and how inconsiderate I was - I rolled my eyes, and then the whole thing went out of control.

It took me a lot to leave him especially when I left the love for him was still there - and it has always been there. After I knew how he lied to me, and all the ugly truth behind him - I still wanted to accept him and hoped maybe time could solve things out. Now I realize time will not solve anything - I don't know why I am staying after I took so much to get out - I regretted every time when I allowed him back in. Sometimes I guess I am just waiting for the moment to become completely numb - and I think I am making some progress - because I start to learn to tell when he says things just because he thinks I want to hear that not because he is really feeling that way.

After we splited up, I moved out and stay single the entire time - never been on a date, or flirt with any guys. There were chances I could go on dates with some nicer men, but I always turned them down for some reasons. BPDex and I talked on and off after we splited up, he tried to get me back to commit to him, but I kept telling him no because he wasn't changing at all, and I doubt he will ever do. 3 months out of the relationship, he wanted to go on NC and until a few days ago I found out he was actually seeing another girl at that time. I was angry and heart broken that he lied to me the entire time, until I spoke with the new girl (whom only dated him for a month and left him). I had all the emails from the girl, so he couldn't deny the fact that he was seeing her (he claimed they were just "friends"

When I knew he is with another girl, I lost myself - I started reaching out to him again - I was a "crazy ex girlfriend". The jealousy turned me into a green eye monster. Although I tried to be civil about things with the new girl, and I know he was lying to me about she was the one who wants to get back with him (The girl told me that he attempted to get back with her after she broke up with him) - I wrote the new girl one last email and inform her that he is not who she thinks he is, and if she doesn't want to be friends with him, then I want her to stop talking to him. I cc'd BPDex in the email as well. BPDex replied to the girl and me, and he wrote that he dated her because I left and he was hurt, but he loves me and always has. BPDex told his new ex that is the last time she will hear from him.

Part of me feeling jealous is because she stayed at the place we once lived together. Everything he has in the house - my family bought us that. And there was a new chick who had no idea, used my wine glasses, sat on my coach - I mean in the end I can't really be too mad because we weren't together at the time. I was mad that he lied to me. Another part of me feeling jealous is because this new girl has no idea how much pain I had to go through with him - She only got to see what he was pretending he is - a young "rich" "successful" man (In fact he is broke and unstable at jobs... . ) The new girl left shortly after they dated, and she still maintains her sanity - unlike me, I am so broken and I could become a devil at times.

After BPDex deleted the new girl's contact info from his phone, removed her from the social medias, I felt reassured a little bit, and I told him I will not bring it up again. And then BPDex started telling me how much he wanted a family with me and can't wait to make me his wife - all of the sudden I feel worried because I am afraid that I will get hurt again. I am scared of the disappointments he will bring. And I would regret that I allowed him back in again - although I learn to be firm about saying NO at times while remaining logical and calm.

Starting to see the therapist this week after stopped for sometimes. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I feel pathetic when his new exgf tried to comfort me instead and told me that I can do better, because no one deserves to be continued hurting by him like that.

Has anyone here been in the similar situation?

Thank you for your time to read this long post.

[Rose Tiger]

Inner child Meg is wondering why you are looking for him to provide happiness, she wants you to care about her and take care of her.  He can't do that.  Only you can give her the unconditional love she is desperate to get. Get to know her, she is a lovely child.