More Barbs and Zingers

[yakki]

Barbs and zingers throughout the day, (actually for the last 3-4 days) came home a got an earful about everything I have done wrong over the last year, not one "Thank You" for my providing a nice home, not one kind word, not ONE, for taking good care of her (oh, she doesn't work, we have no children, she doesn't have an education,) for helping to provide dental work, car repair, gifts, trips, jewelry, not grateful for one thing, then at 8:15 she takes a Xanex and falls asleep at 9:00PM.

Oh, and she's never going to cook eggs again. I almost started laughing when she said that, but I choked it back. I am a fool. Being attracted to her in the beginning was like a drug on some level, and still has been.

God, please help me out of this. This is not what I want, nor deserve. I did not know what I was getting into 2 years ago, I know better today, but I feel unable to make a decision and stick to it. I fear it is only going to get much worse. 

This is not working for me on many many levels. I'm just letting fear of being by myself paralyze me, but I can't stand myself for taking all of her bull. I need a BIG dose of courage to say This Is Not Working For Me, you'll have to find another place to live, go NC, and just move on. Thanks for listening and appreciate any encouragement, insight, or feedback.

[doubleAries]

Yakki,

I'm trying to remember why I was so afraid to be alone. I spent 18 years with a husband with dx bipolar w/ psychotic features, ASPD and NPD. It was pretty grueling, and even frightening at times. I finally got up the gumption to leave this last December, filed for divorce in March (will be final next week!), and even bought myself a fabulous home last month.

The first few months (and especially weeks) in my little rental were like waking up from a long nightmare. I moved out to get a little space and think about things. There was no going back. Things worked out great, but I'm kind of kicking myself in the pants for not doing this many, many years ago.

This is just my experience. Maybe others will chime in with their experience of things improving in the relationship.

[SadWifeofBPD]

we have no children,

GET OUT!   Seriously.  You have no kids, get out.

Are you married to her?   How long? 

Seriously, what do you get out of this relationship?  Sounds like nothing, not even financial support.   She's a leech, really.  Right?

[cult]

Your situation is very similar to that of a friend... . whose wife treats him the same way that yours treats you. The only difference is that he has been with her for more than 20 years, whereas you are only in for 2. I totally get the fear of being alone. I'm lost too but I'm trying hard to find myself. That is the first place to start. Begin developing outside interests and friendships. Build at least a corner of life for yourself that does not involve her. Once you do that it will get easier. We are all here for you. It is VERY hard but you deserve better and someone else IS out there for you! But if you aren't available to find her... .

[Somewhere]

Let's revisit this fine point . . . .

She's a leech, really.



Right?

Right.

Do go BEFORE this changes . . . .

we have no children,

[yakki]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. Kind of in a numb spot right now, thoughts racing about this morning's dose of turmoil. I'll check back in later. Again, I appreciate hearing from you all.

[delusionalxox]

I was there too with the leech type. Worked full time while he mucked about with phD, lay in bed and smoked dope all day. Came home to deal with the kids AND the big kid (him) and at one point he decided to throw a tantrum because I was paying more attention to the kids than him (!) and I did not allow him enough space in the wardrobe (it was full already with my stuff so I suggested he use the one in the boys room. This was massive disrespect apparently and caused a huge, screaming row in which he accused me of failing to appreciate him.

I was paying all bills, buying all food, he complained of boredom all the time and wanted to be taken out and treated. Never contributed a penny. He would fly back and forth to Italy all the time and demanded the flights be paid for.

All the while the ranting, sulking and complaints.

I threw him out. But still didn't break up properly. However throwing him out was very liberating. No more walking on eggshells in mine and my children's home (kids are not his) and cleaning up after a teenage boy in a man's body.

I totally agree you must get out. Her dependency is toxic and is making her more enraged with you. You are now just a mummy figure to her. Break it, definitely.

[Clearmind]

yakki, you will make a decision in good timing - like many on the Undecided Board it takes time and you are no different - be kind to yourself. You are a newbie and we have lots of tools for you to use to help make your situation better.

Firstly, sticking around receiving accusations and blame is reinforcing bad behaviour - leave the house, the room or go for a walk and don't engage. Saying "I will talk to you when you calm down" - exit.

We need to establish good boundaries and leaving their presence when they fly into blame mode is good practice - it helps you and it helps her (she needs to learn to self soothe herself and not take it out on you).

[bruceli]

Barbs and zingers throughout the day, (actually for the last 3-4 days) came home a got an earful about everything I have done wrong over the last year, not one "Thank You" for my providing a nice home, not one kind word, not ONE, for taking good care of her (oh, she doesn't work, we have no children, she doesn't have an education,) for helping to provide dental work, car repair, gifts, trips, jewelry, not grateful for one thing, then at 8:15 she takes a Xanex and falls asleep at 9:00PM.

Holy c*%p, sounds like you live with me!  If I can figure it out I will surely let you know... .  Oh, except mine is 6 shots of whiskey a xanax and an ambien... . then sleep/pass out.

[yakki]

Hello and thank you everyone. It's been a couple of weeks of mostly stable interaction, then in a moment, Back to Crazy. I tried to reason for 20-30 minutes, but that quickly became as useless as it's ever been, she retreated into being a victim, and refuses or is incapable of a conversation based in anything other than her own confusion and anger. I was proud of myself though, I didn't try to engage her or work it out, we slept in separate bedrooms, no contact, didn't speak at all today I just went off to work. I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, but feeling a lot of chest pain right now. 99% chance she'll be gone when I get home tonight. Oh, she left some BS note that I was supposed to react to this morning, ok I started to, but just ended up tearing up the paper I was writing on and said what's the use. This is only going to end differently if I do something different, stoking the coals of her sickness and craziness will not help me. Slogging through this is tough going and I could sure use some encouragement.  Thank you all... .

[bruceli]

Hello and thank you everyone. It's been a couple of weeks of mostly stable interaction, then in a moment, Back to Crazy. I tried to reason for 20-30 minutes, but that quickly became as useless as it's ever been, she retreated into being a victim, and refuses or is incapable of a conversation based in anything other than her own confusion and anger. I was proud of myself though, I didn't try to engage her or work it out, we slept in separate bedrooms, no contact, didn't speak at all today I just went off to work. I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, but feeling a lot of chest pain right now. 99% chance she'll be gone when I get home tonight. Oh, she left some BS note that I was supposed to react to this morning, ok I started to, but just ended up tearing up the paper I was writing on and said what's the use. This is only going to end differently if I do something different, stoking the coals of her sickness and craziness will not help me. Slogging through this is tough going and I could sure use some encouragement.  Thank you all... .

Already headed in the right direction by doing what you did above... . The only way to win the game is not to play... . also by changing the rules to stack the deck in YOUR favor... .

[HardDaysNight]

What others have said, you have no kids?  Sounds like a short marriage, 2 years.  Get out, don't look back.  Get a lwayer, get a plan to protect you assets and credit and get out.

[Clearmind]

I think we may need to take pause guys!

Yakki, how can we best support you? There are tools available to help you and YOU get to decide whether you leave or stay.

Firstly, justifying and explaining for 30 minutes is fruitless whilst emotions are high - it's invalidatin for you both - BPD or not!

Did you feel the need to justify? Why?

What alternative action could you take?

We need to be reminded that we also can contribute to the dysfunction. We can stop making things worse.

[Accused]

 I can fully relate to yakki... . I am not married, I was when I first met code name "Bridgett" (its long and complicated but needless to say) but I am divorced and in fact since that time our relationship has gotten worse... . The bards and Zingers... . One day she it perfectly fine-- top of the world, loving affection, then all of a sudden code name "Angie" vanishes and Bridgett appears... . Name calling, barbs it's the next morning after lengthy discussion she is calm... . I feel like I am on eggshells and once the anger starts there is nothing to do but wait ... .

[Accused]

To Clearmind... . that is really what I would like to hear more about... . how to stop making things worse