emmy91
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« on: July 01, 2013, 08:39:29 PM » |
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Hi all,
I'm here because I recently moved back home (after graduating college) with my mother, whom I suspect has BPD, and things are tough and I'm looking for people to relate to.
I was physically abused by my mother when I was younger and grew up being told I was the Problem Child, evil, etc. I grew up with my mother's rages, which were sometimes directed at other family members/siblings but were mainly directed at me. I was the only one who was physically abused and I was the only Problem Child who was "good for nothing," "hopeless," "can't do anything right," "will never make it in life," etc., so I can't talk to my siblings about this. When I was around 11, I trained myself to not show emotion in front of her or cry in front of her, I just didn't let her get to me emotionally - an ability I've unfortunately lost over the years. I internalized all of the things she said to me about me, and at 14 became very self-loathing and developed an eating disorder. (I recovered/healed a lot when I moved out for college.)
I learned about BPD when I stumbled across a book when I was 16, completely by accident, called Understanding the Borderline Mother. The description of the Witch described my mother perfectly (and she also has some aspects of the Hermit and of the Queen) and I couldn't believe how accurately the author described my childhood. The rages and volatility. Being told things that I would never imagine saying to anyone let alone my own child. Being cautious of showing happiness about something, out of fear that my mother would try to ruin it for me by saying negative things about it or by taking it away from me.
In middle school, she wanted me to straighten my hair before going to a sleepover, but I didn't want to; when I expressed this desire to go against her wishes about how she wanted me to look, she went into a rage and forced me to call my friend, even though I was literally sobbing, to tell her that I couldn't sleep over. (The friend later told me "You and your mom acted like you had killed someone."
When I was 16 and won some awards at the end of the school year, she got angry at me for "making" her go to the awards ceremony (I didn't "make" her but just made the mistake of telling her about it, thus obligating her to go) because she didn't want to go. She let me know how unhappy she was throughout the night. Because that wasn't a pleasant experience, I skipped out on the big Senior Awards Banquet the next year, and lied to my friends about why my family and I didn't attend. (I didn't want to have to shamefully admit that we didn't go because "I didn't want to piss of my mother." My friends were unwelcome at home, even though my brother could have his friends over, even if they were unannounced and were a lot louder/messier (being younger and boys). At 16/17, I'd have to shamefully try to explain to my friends why I was grounded for things that made absolutely no sense to them (once I was grounded for putting an unopened can of vegetables on the kitchen counter without putting down a paper towel first).
I moved out for college, but now I'm back home, and things are back to how they used to be, and I feel more vulnerable than ever. I accidentally set her off yesterday, and her anger continued into today; earlier she spent an hour telling me how every aspect of me is trouble, there's something seriously wrong with me, they've spent so much money on me, she can speak to me however because she doesn't owe me anything, I need to not aggravate her because I'm living at home and she "belongs here" (whereas I don't), etc. I skip meals so that I don't have to leave my room to go into the kitchen, to avoid her/her anger. I just got a good job offer, and instead of congratulating me, she's found a lot of ways to make me feel terrible about it.
I wonder if I'm the "crazy", messed up one, like she says, and even wonder if I'm the one who has BPD. Today she told me that my dad (who sees how our relationship is, but he's out of town half the time and passively supports her because "that's just how she is" thinks I'm completely messed up, too; it completely freaks me out when I think that it could be me with BPD and I don't even know it.
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