uBPD mother wants a relationship - i'm not sure i can handle it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD mother is full of manipulative guilt ridden comments and accusations - she's a pro at how many jabs she can take at me in public with out anyone batting an eye. But to me each one is like a slap in the face or punch in the back.

I have been NC with her for a year now and its been wonderful but now DH and i are expecting our second child in November and super excited... . and she wants back in.

She is emailing me this week about respecting her etc. but what i want to know is why do i have to do all the managing for this? I can set boundaries yes, but i still don't feel like talking to her when things are so great when i don't. But i do have this urge and pull to see her or want to talk.

I just get very scared that if i go back to open that door again i will keep getting hurt. I saw her last week for her 65th and it was like nothing changed. so i know she hasn't. That and some family members have said she is still trashing my family behind our back. So i don't trust her... . thats a biggie right there.

But she is bugging me to get a relationship going again, I'm terrified to respond because part of me doesn't want to ever see her, the other part wants to for my kids sakes. But i only want the normal part of her and i know its a packaged deal.

So the part i struggle with is yes, i could manage her and provide her all the needed words and phrases to control her output but WHY ? Why should I manage HER?

What would happen if i told her "Mom, i think you have BPD, i'd like you to get help then we can talk"? i imagine this all the time and wish i had a glass ball. I'd like her to work on herself and let me be in peace for a bit. I'm exhausted staying away and exhausted to think about a possible reconciliation. I will have two kids and really i don't want to deal with her as a third.

Where is the middle ground here? I don't feel the desire to be the one holding the rains on her when she visits. I just want to relax and take it easy - her be normal and all goes well. Then the worst part is not when she is here its when she leaves and digests all the thing's i said or did and then twists them into her warped mind ways then discusses me and all that i did or did not do right to everyone else.

What should i do? to get her face herself and manage herself and resolve this evenly. I know i'm idealistic but i'm busy and tired of the analysis involved in every visit.

I'm not keen to the idea of letting her back into my space and hurting me - not even once more. How can this be communicated? I can't even respond to her email due to the hard question i am asking myself... . do i want this again? No ! it must be different but i can't do all the work.

I'm at a loss... . And just got a custom dental guard because its caused me to start grinding and clenching my teeth with stress of a solution! (SIGH) what to do?

[ObliviousRed]

My uBPD mother is full of manipulative guilt ridden comments and accusations - she's a pro at how many jabs she can take at me in public with out anyone batting an eye. But to me each one is like a slap in the face or punch in the back.

I have been NC with her for a year now and its been wonderful but now DH and i are expecting our second child in November and super excited... . and she wants back in.

She is emailing me this week about respecting her etc. but what i want to know is why do i have to do all the managing for this? I can set boundaries yes, but i still don't feel like talking to her when things are so great when i don't. But i do have this urge and pull to see her or want to talk.

I just get very scared that if i go back to open that door again i will keep getting hurt. I saw her last week for her 65th and it was like nothing changed. so i know she hasn't. That and some family members have said she is still trashing my family behind our back. So i don't trust her... . thats a biggie right there.

But she is bugging me to get a relationship going again, I'm terrified to respond because part of me doesn't want to ever see her, the other part wants to for my kids sakes. But i only want the normal part of her and i know its a packaged deal.

So the part i struggle with is yes, i could manage her and provide her all the needed words and phrases to control her output but WHY ? Why should I manage HER?

What would happen if i told her "Mom, i think you have BPD, i'd like you to get help then we can talk"? i imagine this all the time and wish i had a glass ball. I'd like her to work on herself and let me be in peace for a bit. I'm exhausted staying away and exhausted to think about a possible reconciliation. I will have two kids and really i don't want to deal with her as a third.

Where is the middle ground here? I don't feel the desire to be the one holding the rains on her when she visits. I just want to relax and take it easy - her be normal and all goes well. Then the worst part is not when she is here its when she leaves and digests all the thing's i said or did and then twists them into her warped mind ways then discusses me and all that i did or did not do right to everyone else.

What should i do? to get her face herself and manage herself and resolve this evenly. I know i'm idealistic but i'm busy and tired of the analysis involved in every visit.

I'm not keen to the idea of letting her back into my space and hurting me - not even once more. How can this be communicated? I can't even respond to her email due to the hard question i am asking myself... . do i want this again? No ! it must be different but i can't do all the work.

I'm at a loss... . And just got a custom dental guard because its caused me to start grinding and clenching my teeth with stress of a solution! (SIGH) what to do?

[jbtalt6]

Hi there! I feel your pain, although I'm dealing with a mentally ill MIL. Even I had the urge through the years of NC to "test the waters" to see if MIL had changed or learned any lessons. It never failed to be a big disappointment and back to NC we went.

If you want to try again, you might want to suggest meeting in a counselor's office. I wouldn't attempt this reconciliation without professional help. You owe it to your children to protect them first and foremost. It IS exhausting trying to keep the PD person "in line" and always anticipating their next move.

Congrats on the baby and take care of YOURSELF first!

[GreenMango]

It's important to adjust expectations and learn some new ways in managing the relationship if you decide to let her back in.

I just want to relax and take it easy - her be normal and all goes well.

I'm guessing she's been insecure and disrespectful of boundaries for as long as she's been alive.  It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  

I'd bone up on those communication skills like SET and JADE.  And revisit the values and boundaries that are important to you.

Have you read those workshops?

[ObliviousRed]

Thanks to your responses, i feel traped to reply very soon to my mom, but don't understand how just yet.

Boundaries are new to me, its been easy to avoid them. My brother and husband are saying that if i do a hard and fast stop to my boundaries that she must adhere to them or we ask her to leave should do it. I am just scared to try it is all. 'gun shy'

I have not done many workshops yet, but am interested in them and thank you i will look into those tonight and they may shed light on my situation. I guess its part of two things. I have had peace for a whole year and had not had to respond to her and its been so great.

And now struggle with i do want to respond but HOW? its so volatile - my response can go so many ways and how to control what i say in my response so that i can control her direction of her reply to it... . allot of controlling going on i know - but i can't say i have any other ideas as of yet. Still too new to the boundaries setting and well, scared.

I just want to say what i have to say and be done with it but know that that is for sure not going to go the right way. So i'm trying to be delicate and evasive yet strong about things.

Thanks for your posts i look forward to more ideas.

[GeekyGirl]

This is so tough, ObliviousRed. I can understand why you're torn.

GreenMango has a good point--it would be good for you to read up on SET and JADE. If you were to have a relationship with your mother, what kind of limits could you put in place to protect yourself and your kids? How much involvement would you ideally have with her?

Why should I manage HER?

What would happen if i told her "Mom, i think you have BPD, i'd like you to get help then we can talk"? i imagine this all the time and wish i had a glass ball. I'd like her to work on herself and let me be in peace for a bit. I'm exhausted staying away and exhausted to think about a possible reconciliation. I will have two kids and really i don't want to deal with her as a third.

It's frustrating, isn't it? It doesn't seem fair that we have to manage our parents. The upside is that you know what kind of behavior to expect from your mother, and there are tools (SET is one of my favorites) that you can use to deal with her behaviors. It is tiring at times, but in some ways, it has been easier for me to use the tools than it was to be NC.

What should i do? to get her face herself and manage herself and resolve this evenly. I know i'm idealistic but i'm busy and tired of the analysis involved in every visit. I'm not keen to the idea of letting her back into my space and hurting me - not even once more. How can this be communicated? I can't even respond to her email due to the hard question i am asking myself... . do i want this again? No ! it must be different but i can't do all the work.

I'm at a loss... . And just got a custom dental guard because its caused me to start grinding and clenching my teeth with stress of a solution! (SIGH) what to do?

You're taking care of yourself, which is the best thing you can do. Your mother isn't going to work on herself if she doesn't realize that she has a problem, unfortunately. How are you managing the stress you're feeling? Sometimes just using good, healthy stress-relief skills can help take the edge off.

[ObliviousRed]

Thank you Geeky Girl! :D what you said addresses all my concerns and i did look at the video of SET i have to look up what JADE is - they are all new to me. I feel like it will take a lot of time to get used to using these but will try and do my best.

At leaset if i try using the tools and see how they play out i know that my second option will be NC if that doesn't seem to be working for me.

As for de-stressing i would say that since i have been NC for a year its much easier for me to defuse her emails with time, its taking much less time then it used to since i would take it all to heart. But now that i know its just words and they are not really about me but about her, i can manage it better. Its more the reply that i stress with. Knowing i have to word things in a way that will address her properly. Then my other stressor is when i know she is coming to see me (we live 4 hrs away) that helps that we are far. But the anticipation to Peak then to valley when she leaves is the hard part still. Mostly since i am waiting for the killer jab's and comments that bother me so much. I wonder if i am ready to handle her... . little like riding a green horse i'd say .

However, i would like to try just to see.

I know that she will want to get right into a big discussion of our relationship and know that it will not work to discuss this. How can i tell her that its not something we should talk about? or how do we talk about it?

My husband is a great support so when i am stressed as i am we talk and he is great at listening - as an engineer he wants to solve it. but knows its harder then that. He's so great.

I think finding this community is the next best thing.

I also preoccupy myself and my time with my son and our events all day - we are too busy to worry about things as i used to.

That and solitaire or just relax time for me is helpful. It seems to defuse until i have to address her in that moment.

[GreenMango]

Geekygirl asked some good questions to ask yourself too!  It's gonna be a transition from peace and quiet of the last year.

Having something to fall back on like your husband and soltaire is good.

Something else that may help before you dive head first into it is reading up on the disorder a bit - especially those behaviors that are typical of BPD.  Then you'll have some answers and the back story so if shes behaving a certain way it doesn't totally throw you.

I don't think anyone here will tell you having a relationship like this is easy.  But sometimes it can be less demanding or totally overwhelming. 

Welcome to bpdfamily.com.  You're in the right place.

[ObliviousRed]

Thank you so much yes i already feel better knowing there is the site to ask questions and read up on workshops this is SO GREAT!

I just got my books today on "The dance of Anger" and "surviving a borderline parent" so excited to read these. I have read "my Borderline mother" and "walking on eggshells" that got me thinking and understanding better.

Now lets see how i can manage.

Thanks for all your reply's

[Asa]

Congratulations on the coming baby!

The baby is one I am concerned about and recommend very limited contact with your mother. The stress can transmit to the young, forming child. On one hand, I didn't have children, and one could say I have no idea what I'm talking about, and on the other, I lost 2 children.

I have concern that, while the children have a right to know their grandmother, there may be some faces of love they should never learn, specifically, BPD love. Can you make sure there is always someone else around when your mother is with you, and also not leave her alone with the children? It sounds like you have a good, patient, understanding husband, can he dedicate undistracted companionship to you if/when your mother visits? You mentioned she is 4 hours away, does she need to spend the night when she visits? Can you conveniently schedule an activity that would break the length of the visit so she doesn't build a head of steam and let loose? Something like a physical activity with your girlfriends: a walk, yoga class, even a social activity, such as a lunch with the girls, or dinner with another couple? A class? Art, writing, book club?

Or, when she comes to visit, can one of your girlfriends "stay" with you, hopefully the entire duration? BPD moms love to appear charming to outsiders, and will likely not attack you with a witness on hand. Try not to find yourself cornered and alone when kitchen or bathroom duties cull you for a quick task.

I am older, and so is my mother (48 & 77). When we were 10 and even 15 years younger, it was the same. She will never change and how dare I insult and disrespect her to suggest she get help, especially from a therapist, she would throw at me. So I'm the one in therapy, because of her problem. This point is: don't expect her to change.

With recent events in my life, I wonder if there is an edge of dementia creeping in? To use my mother's own words, "you better like everything about that person, because as your relationship grows, whatever bothers you about the person will only become more so."

Keep posting, and do everything in your power to keep the stress minimized. Body/mind workshops and classes are popular now. Maybe you have some in your area? There are great guided meditation videos on YouTube, of varying lengths to help get an immediate calming break.

Hugs to you,

A

[ObliviousRed]

Thank you Asa, i agree and understand what you are saying. Was highly cautious with my first pregnancy with my son to avoid her and the related stress - i didn't know how else to deal with.

This time i am more relaxed about my pregnancy as things are going very well and my little guy keeps me busy and preocupied. But as the years go by she gets more and more agravated and wants to be close - but its scary to let her close to me only because i'm afraid of confrontation and not sure how i will deal with it at the time.

But you are right if there are others in her presence then she is on her best behaviour. And my husband understands this very well and can respond well to her - he treats her like a customer or business meeting in responses (non-emotional just rational) i wish i could do that. But he won't let me alone with her knowing that comments happen.

When she visits we put her in a guest suite, so not to be in our space all the the time. She wants to stay on our floor or couch as our friends do but we know she would turn around and report to others (not that i care) i had her sleep on our floor.

So we are still trying to drag on her visit until i am comfortable with the idea... . i don't think i ever will be.

Thats what is so hard. My doubt and fear of her makes it so difficult. I am reading some books to see if there is a way i can deal with her that i can manage with my personality.

Thanks for your comment and i am giving it lots of thought. I also agree i would never leave my kids alone with her. My brother does but i tell them that i'm not sure that is a great idea either since when they go to her house they eat junk and watch movies all weekend - not good for a 6 & 8 year old. but she is 65 overweight and not active for kids. Also i think she will have dementia too in a few more years. My Grandmother did at 77 and i look for signs above and beyond BPD.

THanks again