Issue with uBPDxw and trying to establish for routine/consistency for S9

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been a while since I've actually posted a concern of my own.  Looking for some ideas/comments/opinions on an issue.

In my opinion, uBPDxw is introducing unnecessary instability and constant changes to S9's life, specifically regarding his education and his parenting time schedule.

She started taking classes to get a new degree and be able to start a new career as an Arborist.  It has been mostly night classes, and some day classes.  She's also been working a job that has no set hours, she's selling tree services (pruning, cutting them down, and also planting new ones) and it's pretty much she gets a call and schedules a time to go see the issue and work up an estimate, and then working at job sites on an as needed schedule.  There's no routine to her schedule.  Her class schedule is mostly night, but each semester the nights change (and this semester she's had a day class on two days a week as well), and the time changes.  Typical college class stuff.

On one hand, this is a vast improvement over when we first divorced and she decided that being a daycare room worker for minimum wage was perfect for a woman that also already held a Bachelor's in Marketing.  She's actually trying to apply herself, make use of her degree, and expand her education and career, so... . there's a good side to this in that she's un-waifed herself for the time being.  

On the other hand, she has no way to provide for a stable parenting time schedule in her life as it currently is.  Since she started classes (it's been at least a year and a half), I've had S9 on all my parenting time, and a lot of her time as well as she's had to go to class, or go to job sites when requested.  While I've loved (and have documented on a calendar!) all the extra time I've had him, it has had the effect that S9 does not have a routine or consistent schedule.  S9 also has an Asperger's and ADHD dx from a specialized Child Psychologist.  I'm worried about the impact that the chaotic schedule is having on him.  He seems to roll with it pretty well, but there are times his behavior is definitely affected!

The other issue is last school year, she pulled him out of school to home school him.  We were having difficulty getting the teacher to properly apply S9's IEP.  We have 50/50 custody, but uBPDxw has final decision making authority over school decisions.  She asked me initially what I thought of home school, I said I'd like to explore charter schools, Montessori schools, etc. first, and then she had yanked him without further discussion.  She home schooled him during the days in between her job site trips (on my weeks I dropped him off with her during the day while I was at work).  Academically, he's done fine, he was getting straight A's in school, and he passed the home school version of standard testing in the top 99.99% of scores.

My opinion of home school is while he's done fine with it, I also recognize she yanked him like she did because she's a control freak, and it allows her to feel she has S9 more under her thumb, and she wasn't able to work out differences with the teacher (typical BPD), so she just did it in a hissy fit.  I also know the school was really starting to push back against some of her actions as somethings had been building up since the prior year.

Now she says she needs to put him in a private school one day a week for this year.  She didn't say why but I suspect it's because she's got day classes again and she can't get in enough home school time.  She forwarded me a link to a private school that has a part time school program to support home schooling parents.  School looks fine, good reputation, etc.  Cost would less than after school day care I was paying when he was in public school full time, except I don't have to pay for private school tuition per the divorce orders (I put that in there and she didn't object specifically so she couldn't pull him, put him in an expensive private school, and stick me w/ most o the cost).  

As with his parenting time schedule chaos, I'm also concerned that this all amounts to too much educational instability.  Too many changes, particularly for a little boy with Asperger's.  

The changes and instabilities are escalating.  She's been doing her classes and tree job work, and just kind of dropping S9 on me without much warning.  I've now got him all my time, and 1/2 her time usually, including at least one day of most her weekends.  What I really want is for uBPDxw to find a way to continue her efforts at self-improvement without subjecting S9 to the instabilities/constant shake ups in routine that is currently happening.  

How do I manage this situation?  What will happen is she'll put him in this private school one day per week this semester, none next, two days, the next, etc. and his days with me on her time will continue to change constantly.  She's also not really asking me anymore if I can take him, not communicating, just doing and dumping on me.  And while I love having him (and S9 loves it as well, he complains to her at swap offs now that he wants to stay with me), I do want to stop the chaotic-ness of his schedule.  I guess I'm looking for suggestions as to what to do, how to approach this, strategies to take, etc.

I don't really have any money with which to finance a legal fight, so that's really a weapon of last resort for me.  I'm also talking to T about this, and have talked to my son's T as well.  They're input is to file for a custody modification.  I don't want to take that step yet because S9 is overall doing well, and his grades are still very high.  In the end, it's hard to make a point that something is negatively impacting S9 because his grades are still so high, so I'd prefer to try other means first before going the legal route.  Basically find a way to approach uBPDxw that doesn't trigger drama with her.  She's very selfish and if anything I do doesn't appeal to her sense of superiority or come across as focused on her interests, I'll be dealing with BPD reactions instead of focusing on S9.  S9, overall, is still doing relatively good with everything, and I want to keep it that way.  I don't want to let this continue to escalate to the point that it really starts to negatively impact him.  I want to prevent that, and I don't think I'd have a strong enough court case until there is some demonstrable negative impact.  So what can I do now to prevent the negative impacts from really hitting S9?

[Waddams]

Been a while since I've actually posted a concern of my own.  Looking for some ideas/comments/opinions on an issue.

In my opinion, uBPDxw is introducing unnecessary instability and constant changes to S9's life, specifically regarding his education and his parenting time schedule.

She started taking classes to get a new degree and be able to start a new career as an Arborist.  It has been mostly night classes, and some day classes.  She's also been working a job that has no set hours, she's selling tree services (pruning, cutting them down, and also planting new ones) and it's pretty much she gets a call and schedules a time to go see the issue and work up an estimate, and then working at job sites on an as needed schedule.  There's no routine to her schedule.  Her class schedule is mostly night, but each semester the nights change (and this semester she's had a day class on two days a week as well), and the time changes.  Typical college class stuff.

On one hand, this is a vast improvement over when we first divorced and she decided that being a daycare room worker for minimum wage was perfect for a woman that also already held a Bachelor's in Marketing.  She's actually trying to apply herself, make use of her degree, and expand her education and career, so... . there's a good side to this in that she's un-waifed herself for the time being.  

On the other hand, she has no way to provide for a stable parenting time schedule in her life as it currently is.  Since she started classes (it's been at least a year and a half), I've had S9 on all my parenting time, and a lot of her time as well as she's had to go to class, or go to job sites when requested.  While I've loved (and have documented on a calendar!) all the extra time I've had him, it has had the effect that S9 does not have a routine or consistent schedule.  S9 also has an Asperger's and ADHD dx from a specialized Child Psychologist.  I'm worried about the impact that the chaotic schedule is having on him.  He seems to roll with it pretty well, but there are times his behavior is definitely affected!

The other issue is last school year, she pulled him out of school to home school him.  We were having difficulty getting the teacher to properly apply S9's IEP.  We have 50/50 custody, but uBPDxw has final decision making authority over school decisions.  She asked me initially what I thought of home school, I said I'd like to explore charter schools, Montessori schools, etc. first, and then she had yanked him without further discussion.  She home schooled him during the days in between her job site trips (on my weeks I dropped him off with her during the day while I was at work).  Academically, he's done fine, he was getting straight A's in school, and he passed the home school version of standard testing in the top 99.99% of scores.

My opinion of home school is while he's done fine with it, I also recognize she yanked him like she did because she's a control freak, and it allows her to feel she has S9 more under her thumb, and she wasn't able to work out differences with the teacher (typical BPD), so she just did it in a hissy fit.  I also know the school was really starting to push back against some of her actions as somethings had been building up since the prior year.

Now she says she needs to put him in a private school one day a week for this year.  She didn't say why but I suspect it's because she's got day classes again and she can't get in enough home school time.  She forwarded me a link to a private school that has a part time school program to support home schooling parents.  School looks fine, good reputation, etc.  Cost would less than after school day care I was paying when he was in public school full time, except I don't have to pay for private school tuition per the divorce orders (I put that in there and she didn't object specifically so she couldn't pull him, put him in an expensive private school, and stick me w/ most o the cost).  

As with his parenting time schedule chaos, I'm also concerned that this all amounts to too much educational instability.  Too many changes, particularly for a little boy with Asperger's.  

The changes and instabilities are escalating.  She's been doing her classes and tree job work, and just kind of dropping S9 on me without much warning.  I've now got him all my time, and 1/2 her time usually, including at least one day of most her weekends.  What I really want is for uBPDxw to find a way to continue her efforts at self-improvement without subjecting S9 to the instabilities/constant shake ups in routine that is currently happening.  

How do I manage this situation?  What will happen is she'll put him in this private school one day per week this semester, none next, two days, the next, etc. and his days with me on her time will continue to change constantly.  She's also not really asking me anymore if I can take him, not communicating, just doing and dumping on me.  And while I love having him (and S9 loves it as well, he complains to her at swap offs now that he wants to stay with me), I do want to stop the chaotic-ness of his schedule.  I guess I'm looking for suggestions as to what to do, how to approach this, strategies to take, etc.

I don't really have any money with which to finance a legal fight, so that's really a weapon of last resort for me.  I'm also talking to T about this, and have talked to my son's T as well.  They're input is to file for a custody modification.  I don't want to take that step yet because S9 is overall doing well, and his grades are still very high.  In the end, it's hard to make a point that something is negatively impacting S9 because his grades are still so high, so I'd prefer to try other means first before going the legal route.  Basically find a way to approach uBPDxw that doesn't trigger drama with her.  She's very selfish and if anything I do doesn't appeal to her sense of superiority or come across as focused on her interests, I'll be dealing with BPD reactions instead of focusing on S9.  S9, overall, is still doing relatively good with everything, and I want to keep it that way.  I don't want to let this continue to escalate to the point that it really starts to negatively impact him.  I want to prevent that, and I don't think I'd have a strong enough court case until there is some demonstrable negative impact.  So what can I do now to prevent the negative impacts from really hitting S9?

[meplus1]

I see how you might feel confused and still concerned for S9, I am here at the forum for my S12.  I do have a little bit of legal perspective for you.  First off, a disclaimer(sorry, gotta do it): I am not an attorney, nothing I say should be construed as legal advice.  If you are looking for legal advice, I would have to ask you to consult with an attorney.  K, thats outta the way, typically in a separation or divorce that involves a minor there is a separate person called a "guardian ad litem".  That person is the equivalent of your S9's legal representation, and cost for your son's representation(in his best interest) can be commonly split up between the parents.  Many states have some sort of legal assistance program, ours in Wisconsin even does weekly intakes regarding issues and caseload and such.  While the legal realm of things may seem a bit overwhelming, there IS a third person present that can help determine or even deter these potentially negative outcomes.  Would it hurt you to drop off the timekeeping that you have thus far with the guardian at litem?  What if you dropped off the prior school schedule and each of the adults' proposed school plans for the near future?  I know the legal realm is complex, and you or I may NOT know what the outcomes would be in the courtroom given your stated fact pattern, but there is likely someone already involved who is sworn to uphold the best interests of that child.  And that thrid person (guardian ad litem) most likely DOES know the legal realm, and what might be a legal issue and what isnt.  This would do a couple things... . it takes the responsibility of your x's actions offYOUR shoulders, and puts it into knowledgable hands.   Any fears?  ask your self, or even write down... .   "what if I fail? What if I do nothing? But what if I succeed?"  I wish you luck, my friend.  I will apologize again for having to throw a disclaimer in there, but if it has to do with legal, as a legal studies student I have to write it out.

[Waddams]

No GAL in our case.  Been to court twice over custody and neither time did we have GAL's, custody evaluators, etc.

[mamachelle]

Hi Waddams,

Are you and S9 really happy with the Home Schooling? It sounds like maybe this was the easiest way to keep Mom quiet as she was not getting along with the teacher(s)?

Also, how much are you involved with his instruction and planning his schooling? Do you guys take him to groups to get help and resources from other parents and also give him a bit of socialization?

It sounds like Mom's approach is eclectic at best and completely self-centered and disorganized at worst or am I misreading this... . ?

I just think first you should know more about what her plan is before you commit to spending more money on education when your S has a free education with an IEP waiting for him in the public schools.

I have 2 step sons on the Autism Spectrum with other behavioral issues. They are not the most social kids but they benefit from the structure and support they receive at school a great deal. I know your kid may like the home school better than public school-- but there needs to be structure for him in my opinion and based on what you are going through.

I think talking to your exBPDW first about her plan face to face in a business like manner and your concerns is a start using SET-- and write it down with her.

If that is not working then you will need to go the legal route I'm pretty certain.

mamachelle

[Waddams]

Are you and S9 really happy with the Home Schooling? It sounds like maybe this was the easiest way to keep Mom quiet as she was not getting along with the teacher(s)?

S9 is happy with it.

And yes there was an element of Mom doing it as the easiest path to not have to deal with a teacher.  And yeah, the teacher was not exactly the best either.  S9's teacher the year before was actually really good. 

As I said, I wanted to explore other options before home school, but uBPDxw just went and did it before I felt done with discussions.

Also, how much are you involved with his instruction and planning his schooling? Do you guys take him to groups to get help and resources from other parents and also give him a bit of socialization?

I do home school work with him.  She put him on a home school curriculum that was recognized by the State.  And she took him to home school groups during her days with him.  I can't go to the groups as I work full time, regular M-F office hours.

It sounds like Mom's approach is eclectic at best and completely self-centered and disorganized at worst or am I misreading this... . ?

Not sure how to describe her approach, but I do agree it is self-centered and disorganized.  Basically, in her mind, it worked best for her so she didn't have to deal with the mean old school people that were sick of her.  When S9 first got is IEP, it was delayed because she tried to suppress S9's evaluation we had done by his T.  It has language in it that identified something was off kilter between S9 and his mom and needs therapeutic intervention.  Didn't go into more details then that.  When she got hte report, she kept telling me and the school that she didn't have it yet for 3 months.  I got it finally from the T myself.  The T forwarded me the email he sent to uBPDxw 3 months prior with the report attached.  I just flipped the T's email to the school.  They got mad, even at me at first.  I remember a discussion with the assistant principal and S9's IEP coordinator where I basically just asked them questions:

"See the date on which I got it?" 

"See the date on which they sent it to her?" 

"I have no idea why she lied about having it.  I'm not responsible for things she does.  You'll have to take this up with her."

After that incident, I do believe she had a lot more issues dealing w/ people at the school.  I don't know the details.  I stayed out of it, and just focused on making sure S9 got his school work done when he was with me, and getting him caught up because he was usually behind when I got him back from uBPDxw's custody weeks.

I just think first you should know more about what her plan is before you commit to spending more money on education when your S has a free education with an IEP waiting for him in the public schools.

If it's like usual, she doesn't have a plan other than whatever best fits for her life at the moment.  Which changes, so her plan will change again later.  Which is fine for her... . but not good if she's constantly upsetting S9's routine and never letting him gain much in the way of long term consistency.

I just know I try to arrange my life so I can see to meeting S9's needs first.  uBPDxw is trying to make everyone else rearrange their lives to met her needs first.  Not surprisingly, of course.

I have 2 step sons on the Autism Spectrum with other behavioral issues. They are not the most social kids but they benefit from the structure and support they receive at school a great deal. I know your kid may like the home school better than public school-- but there needs to be structure for him in my opinion and based on what you are going through.

He absolutely needs the structure and routine.  And of course he likes home schooling better.  There's no mean teacher telling him what to do all day!  But what he likes as a 9 year old and what's best for him are not the same things.

Now to be clear, I wasn't satisfied with the teacher last year either.  She wasn't following his IEP.  And she REALLY didn't want to put in the extra effort to do so.  Every meeting was a big teach b*tch-fest about how overworked she was.  I pointed out that as a professional myself, I don't get to be a slacker on projects that are harder than others, I still have to figure it out, and by the same token, even if my son is a bit more of a difficult project for her, she still had a professional obligation she willingly took on when she became a teacher to put the extra work in when needed.  That really didn't go over very well.  I think my son was retaliated against later.

Honestly, I wanted S9 out of there.  The schools in my district are MUCH MUCH better than uBPDxw's.  And even then I also wanted to look at other options.  The issue is, to really make a dent in court, you need to be able demonstrate harm to the child.  And so far, that's not happened because his grades are still very good. 

My T has been good at helping me "manage" uBPDxw, over time, into better decisions regarding S9.  It's a lot cheaper, faster than getting a court to rule, and in the past has gotten S9 better circumstances on some allergy/health issues that uBPDxw was combative over in the past.  Maybe he can help me with this too. 

[mamachelle]

Yes I would definitely work with your T and your exW to get something in writing. Check out this private school and see if maybe 3 days is better. Most of my child care options cost the same for 3 days so just going on that-- it might be better than 1 day which seems too little? What if he is sick and misses his 1 day? Also, make sure the new school is aware of IEP. Not sure what supports he needs but it may be relevant in any school setting and probably is.

I think, most judges would prefer a public school versus BPD/Mom acting as teacher.

I am not against home schooling but I do think it is tricky. You seem ok with it for now.

The more you can get him going to groups... . being taught by others and more structure the better he will be. Also in my experience, behavioral stuff worsens as the kids near adolescence and Mom will not be able to handle discipline and teaching and being Mom most likely. So, keep your options open for going back to public school.

Also, your S9 may decide he wants to go back to school and you need to make sure Mom does not suppress that.

Let us know how it goes. Sure others may chime in as well as this is interesting topic.

mamachelle

[Waddams]

1 day a week (especially at a rate of $200 a month for that 1 day a week) plus also daycare at a regular day care place in addition to me is just pissing money away.  1 day a week is not enough of anything.

I texted uBPDxw asking if she wanted to do this because of her class schedule and not having enough time home for home school hours during the week.  Her response:

1st response - "The day at school is to give me a little leeway for working.  It's a struggle trying to balance work, my school and his school.  Having a day on my own for running, estimates and going to job sites will help greatly."

2nd response - "My classes are going to be at night and possibly on Saturday.  That will help also.  Afternoon classes are difficult too.  I'm juggling a lot but want to keep him out of public school while getting the bills paid."

I can't help interpretting the first response ending to ready "... . ang going to job sites will help me greatly."  That's fine that it will help will her, but what about S9's needs?  Aren't his supposed to come first and not hers?  and his are a stable schedule and routine and not all this chaos.

In response to the 2nd, I can only reiterate she's trying to get me to cater to her needs in her life.  Sorry, but I don't have to pay for private school.  She needs to get herself organized so she can do what she's taken on.  It's not my job to support her.  If she can't keep up with home schooling, then he needs to go back to school, and he needs to be in the schools in my district as they are much better than hers.  A point I've made a lot in the past.  And S9 needs to go into his school, and stick with it to establish routine and consistency, instead of all this chaos.

I get pissed when dealing with her about this stuff because she's so entitled and expects everyone to cater to her and doesn't care about the impacts on other people.  She just doesn't care about anything or anyone except herself.

I am not against home schooling but I do think it is tricky. You seem ok with it for now.

It's not that I'm okay with it.  I'd rather he be in school in my district where the good schools are.  I'm conceding the reality that S9's academics are good and it's hard to go in front of a judge and argue it's not working for him and needs to be changed right now.  I'm also conceding that she's got decision tie breaker and I don't have the resources for a 3rd court fight in 4 years.

[Free One]

Now to be clear, I wasn't satisfied with the teacher last year either.  She wasn't following his IEP.  And she REALLY didn't want to put in the extra effort to do so.  Every meeting was a big teach b*tch-fest about how overworked she was.  I pointed out that as a professional myself, I don't get to be a slacker on projects that are harder than others, I still have to figure it out, and by the same token, even if my son is a bit more of a difficult project for her, she still had a professional obligation she willingly took on when she became a teacher to put the extra work in when needed.  That really didn't go over very well.  I think my son was retaliated against later. 

This is really sad. An IEP MUST be followed; it is a federal law. There is nothing optional about it. If teacher's can't do it on their own, the school district is required to provide additional staff to do so. It is unfortunate, but it is my experience in education that parents with special needs have to advocate for their child, and be the squeaky wheel until their children are getting what is legally, and rightfully, theirs.

[mamachelle]

Waddams,

I would talk with your attorney about all this and see what he or she thinks. I just don't think home schooling is going to win out over good schools especially if all this lack of structure and chaos and parenting time stuff is going on. If she is not doing something in the best interest of the child then that is not going along with the parenting agreement. Does your L know that she yanked your S without your permission. Pulling a kid with an IEP and neurological diagnoses like ADHD and Autism out of public school seems like a big deal to me. She is not a therapist or a doctor or a teacher. How is she more qualified to teach?

She is admitting to not being able to handle this as well.

Is she open at all to looking at schools in your district? The more I am hearing the less it seems to be about your S and the more it is about her unfortunately. It does not sound like her reason for home schooling is 'valid'.

Also, Free One is right about the IEP.

Talking with your T is good. I think you said the T thinks you should modify custody as well though.

I think you do need to define a plan and set some boundaries here and then go forward with something concrete. Letting her dictate is not working. Proceed cautiously but proceed.

mamachelle

[Waddams]

S9's T's practice has people specifically trained as advocates to assist parents with navigating IDEA and Section 504 of ADA in regards to school.  These professionals are all licensed and certified as counselors/T's and also by our County's school system.  This County is strange, cluster's schools are recognized state and nation wide was being great (hence why I live in the cluster), and others are slaughterhouses.   I'm in a great cluster, uBPDxw is in a so-so cluster.

I've actually paid the T's practice to help us and for them to send advocates to SST's/IEP mtgs/review the IEP and provide comments/etc.  We were in the process of initiating enforcement when uBPDxw put S9 into home school.  I was actually working up the beginnings of a case to make that if S9's school was unable to meet his needs, then either switch him to my cluster's school, put him in a charter school, or give us vouchers for a private school.  I know what federal law states, and the school does too, and they basically told us they didn't have the money/resources.  I believe they don't have it.  I know how to look up their budgets, it's all public info.   Also, our County has special programs set up at some, but not all schools.  The idea is that if a kid needs a special resource, send him/her to the school that has it.  Cheaper that way than to equip each school with all the special needs resources.   To me, that means okay, time move to the next step and find a place that has the resources, and I know my cluster's schools have them. 

It's just my humble opinion, but I suspect that uBPDxw was partially motivated to do what she did because she wanted to maintain control.  If he went to my cluster's school, S9 would get settled, and when he hits 14 and can pick where he wants to live instead of 50/50, he'd have more reason to pick me instead of her.  He's already quite vocal, and sometimes disrespectful towards his mom while he's at it, that he would like to be with me full time and visit her EOW.  I think she's partially at least playing custody battle/control games with all this.

My L knows.  I got the advice to wait until things are demonstrably bad by S9's grades being bad and in the mean time focus on trying to do my best to make it work for S9.  That way you go in with an obvious problem for S9, show you tried to work it out first before going to court, show the other side is the problem without a doubt, and that you are genuinely acting in S9's interest and not just another sparing round vs. your ex-spouse.  Unfortunately, that means you have to wait for things to go south first, and I'm trying to find a way to "manage" this so uBPDxw comes to the conclusion that it's her idea to send him to my cluster's school. 

And yeah, uBPDxw is admitting to not handling all this well.  She has no clue she's doing that, either.

I think my preferred option is to first try to get her to agree to put him in the school in my cluster.  I'm not hopeful, though.  After that, I guess I tell her if she wants to put him in private school to help her home school, go for it, but i'm not paying for it.  Don't have to per the orders, and can't afford it.  L's original plan was just sit back and let her fall on her face.  That might be the way to go for me right now.  I just don't like it because S9 deserves better.  I'm thinking of pursuing it Pro Se.  Don't like that idea though.