what to do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What is this and how do I work through it:

My pwBPD works, his meals are provided by his employer. I'm a student taking almost double the normal student load so that I can graduate sooner, so I do not have a job. While in school I'm on a fixed income, very low income.

Our domestic situation is that we each pay half of everything across the slate - personal things we each pay for.

So situation is - pwBPD eats at work twice a day every day plus he brings snacks. He buys special foods for himself for at home because he is "getting in shape" at the gym. At night, after I'm sleeping, he's up binge eating and he can clean a place out in a few days. My d and I together eat about 1/3 of the food he consumes in our house alone. Thing is, I buy twice the groceries he does, but he's the one eating about 80% of them. If I don't buy groceries, my D and I starve; if I do buy groceries he has them gone in a few days, he won't buy more and we still starve.

1)His mental math is that he has to pay his own gym, car insurance and other personal things so I should be buying the groceries. I pay my own personal things too, but that's not included in his mental math.

2)He'll open a new container of something, eat until there's a spoon left put it back in the cupboard or fridge so it looks like there's still some there, then say later that it must have been D and I who ate it we just forgot.

This is what I need help with: last night I took him grocery shopping with me, bought $200 in groceries and he watched me pay for them. Somewhere between me paying for them and us getting home, he'd switched it in his head to he'd bought the groceries and made a comment about me putting out to reward him for his generosity. WOW... . seriously?

This morning I get up and he'd been up through the night eating. A LOT.

This has been going on for 3 years - he's literally eating me into the poorhouse and I have no idea how to set boundaries on this. I've tried the - this is our food, this is your food (he eats our food anyway), I've tried the - let's contribute X$s per month each (my D and I starve), I've tried living separately (he shows up at meal times, spends the night and I wake up to empty cupboards)... . I'm running out of ideas.

If I mention his late-night binges he either denies them or accuses me of maliciously insulting him. 

[raindancer]

What is this and how do I work through it:

My pwBPD works, his meals are provided by his employer. I'm a student taking almost double the normal student load so that I can graduate sooner, so I do not have a job. While in school I'm on a fixed income, very low income.

Our domestic situation is that we each pay half of everything across the slate - personal things we each pay for.

So situation is - pwBPD eats at work twice a day every day plus he brings snacks. He buys special foods for himself for at home because he is "getting in shape" at the gym. At night, after I'm sleeping, he's up binge eating and he can clean a place out in a few days. My d and I together eat about 1/3 of the food he consumes in our house alone. Thing is, I buy twice the groceries he does, but he's the one eating about 80% of them. If I don't buy groceries, my D and I starve; if I do buy groceries he has them gone in a few days, he won't buy more and we still starve.

1)His mental math is that he has to pay his own gym, car insurance and other personal things so I should be buying the groceries. I pay my own personal things too, but that's not included in his mental math.

2)He'll open a new container of something, eat until there's a spoon left put it back in the cupboard or fridge so it looks like there's still some there, then say later that it must have been D and I who ate it we just forgot.

This is what I need help with: last night I took him grocery shopping with me, bought $200 in groceries and he watched me pay for them. Somewhere between me paying for them and us getting home, he'd switched it in his head to he'd bought the groceries and made a comment about me putting out to reward him for his generosity. WOW... . seriously?

This morning I get up and he'd been up through the night eating. A LOT.

This has been going on for 3 years - he's literally eating me into the poorhouse and I have no idea how to set boundaries on this. I've tried the - this is our food, this is your food (he eats our food anyway), I've tried the - let's contribute X$s per month each (my D and I starve), I've tried living separately (he shows up at meal times, spends the night and I wake up to empty cupboards)... . I'm running out of ideas.

If I mention his late-night binges he either denies them or accuses me of maliciously insulting him. 

[nodoover]

I know money is tight but I would stop shopping for awhile completely and find the healthiest cheap place to eat near by and eat out for awhile.

That sounds kind of nuts but if he actually sees no food around he might get it. Just make sure you eat none of his.

He may rage, blame it all on you, etc but what else are you to do? Run out of money?

I know what its like to try and calmly discuss any serious thing with BPD husband, he can blow up and make it all about me not him. 

I am new on here, sure you are suppose to try to communicate about it, but I also know sometimes I can't. I understand.

I have a close friend who binges like that and it is out of control for her, and has a lot of shame about it so he will definitely rage out if trying to talk about it.  At least my friend is in therapy and trying new meds.

[hoping4hope]

Put a pad lock on one of your cupboards.

Buy a lockable bin for your fridge.

There are plastic file folder bins than have a slot for a pad lock.

He will then know you mean it.

[ron7127]

Can you just leave the guy? He sounds nuts.

[hoping4hope]

Put a pad lock on one of your cupboards.

Buy a lockable bin for your fridge.

There are plastic file folder bins than have a slot for a pad lock.

He will then know you mean it.

My answer would solve the food problem, but could be dangerous if he is violent.  Keep yourself safe.