Smear campaign by uBPD Sister & opinions of others :(

[km1004]

Hi All

I’m a relative newbie to this site and hope someone can offer me some hope or failing that, some comfort.

I’m sitting here at work on a Monday morning trying to hold back the tears. My sister is a uBPD, I wrote a bit about her in my intro but just to recap slightly – she’s been on a downward spiral for years with drug and alcohol abuse, has alienated virtually every friend she’s ever had, and has all but torn our family apart with what I now recognise to be classic BPD traits. It seems that I am the prime target for her rage and projection, and while I know that she’s conducted smear campaigns against me for a number of years, I’m just about at breaking point now.

To back up slightly – S and I were estranged for a number of years but reconciled roughly 2 years ago at around the time she gave birth to my niece. Interestingly, pregnancy seemed to get rid of most BPD symptoms, it was a very peaceful time for us all. Fast forward to now – I returned about 4 months ago to my native Sydney from London (where I lived for 14 years) and things have gone rapidly downhill. S is 40 years old and lives in our childhood home with my enabling mother, and it seems that my being back in Sydney and visible at family gatherings etc. has set her off again. The latest episode happened about two months ago (on Mother’s Day to be exact). We’d had a great day, all seemed fairly tranquil but then in the evening after a drink too many she took offence at an innocent comment and unleashed a rage the likes of which I’d rarely seen before, accusing me of hating her since she was born, of wanting to sleep with her boyfriend (the father of her child – absurd beyond belief), and a few other lies (e.g. accusing me of once throwing her out of my apartment in the middle of the night – it NEVER happened). I was foolishly hoping that once she’d sobered up the following day she’d be horrified at what she’d said and try to make amends, but no – from there she banished me from her life and that of my niece, has apparently twisted and manipulated the story to anyone who will listen and things have gone from bad to worse.

The reason I’m feeling so bad today is because a few of us met up yesterday for my brother’s birthday (S declined to come – gave a bogus reason but I knew she was avoiding me) and during a conversation with my brother’s girlfriend (I’ll call her C) I realised the extent of this latest smear campaign. C has only been on the scene for around 3 months and hence knows little if anything of the history or the mental instability, and she has completely bought into S’s tale of victimhood and proceeded to tell me yesterday that I need to stop being so stubborn and unreasonable and try to make amends. I tried to explain the scenario that we here are all too familiar with, i.e. that no matter what I do it will be wrong in S’s eyes and that she in fact is more interested in blaming me for all her problems than patching things up, but to no avail. C regarded me with what felt like contempt and stuck to her view that I am at fault here. While this was going on, my brother tried to remain neutral, even though he is fully cognisant of the situation and has acknowledged that I can’t win with S no matter what I do. I understand that he probably doesn’t want to make waves with his new girlfriend and also that he (like all of us) just wants peace in the family, but I just wish I could at least have some sympathy if not support from someone in my immediate family. I have friends who understand and have been terrific but I think it’s natural to want to be able to count on your family for love and support. Anyway I wrapped things up with C by saying that I wouldn’t ask her to take sides or believe me over S, but simply requested that she takes me as she finds me rather than relying on the opinions of others. Not sure where things will go from there but I feel I’ve done all I can.

How have others dealt with smear campaigns, and the opinions of uninformed people? If it wasn’t for my beloved niece, I really think I’d go completely NC in the interest of preserving my mental health (I’ve had depression before). But I don’t want to abandon my niece, if nothing else she’s going to be dealing with a BPD mum in her future and I would like to be able to offer her some respite in the form of a loving aunt. Additionally I fear that NC will eventually extend to other family members which I don’t want. On a more selfish level I think it will only make me look bad in the eyes of others – most people I come across don’t understand family estrangements.

Anyway thanks in advance for reading and for any available help.

K xx

[hoping4hope]

Being the main target for a pwBPD is incredibly stressful . They have no boundaries on the level of pain they will inflict or on the amount of lies they will tell. Knowing who you really are and not forgetting the truth is your answer to keeping your sanity but it still gets lonely. This site helps me to remember that I am not alone. Patience.  You are in a long term situation with your sister .

All my best.

[mother in law]

Hi K I too suffered smear campaigns at the hands of my ex daughter in law and yes it is very hurtful and distressing. I think what have me strength was reading on another site that BPD's like an audience and to break the victim of the smear campaign. I decided then and there that I would not be her audience and she would not break me like she had my son as leaving another broken person in her wake will not help any of us. It is hard to gather the strength to do this but for ones own sanity it is to be recommended.

Good luck from mother in law also from Sydney!

[Eureka1]

Hi Km1004

First let me say Welcome.  And second, I understand what you are feeling.

I have been the object of my uBPD sis smear campaigns for at least the past 10 years (they amplified after the death of my Dad).  It is indeed stressful and exhausting and caused me depression, anxiety and PTSD.

In Stop Walking on Eggshells, there is a chapter on how to deal with smear campaigns.  If I recall, it says to not try to explain in depth because you are talking to someone who is enmeshed/believes the BPD.  You can try to say that there are two sides to the story.  I liked what you said about judging you for what they see, not what they are told.

I know it is painful.  But over time, people begin to recognize the smear campaign for what it is.  But in the interim, it is VERY DIFFICULT.  Have faith in yourself. You can send your neice cards/emails.  When she is an adult, she can make her own decisions. 

You may feel alone but you are not alone.  We can support you.  In the past, I thought my family did not see my sister for what she was.  But I found out that they did. 

Just be yourself and let your kindness shine.  If people cannot see that, then does their opinion matter?

Eureka

[km1004]

Thank you so very much everyone for your replies - I'm now shedding a few tears again but they are good tears this time - tears of gratitude for understanding, and assurance that I will be OK.

Thanks especially Eureka for sharing the wisdom you've no doubt gained over many years of experience. I will buy that book as I think I'd find it useful.

Indeed, asking people to simply take me as they find me is the only tactic I've found so far that has a hope of working. It was actually during my time in London, where few if any people were familiar with my family situation, I found that most people I met liked me and found me to be easy company - soo reassuring after years of being categorised as the difficult one in the family. Having said this, I know that most of my family members are aware of my sister's instability and volatile tendencies, it's just that they sadly appear to find it easier to be tough with me than with her - less explosive consequences perhaps.

Just be yourself and let your kindness shine.  If people cannot see that, then does their opinion matter?

This is perfect. I think I'll make it my new mantra.

I'm so glad to have found this forum, it's already providing a valuable lifeline for me and I hope one day to be able to pay it forward as many others are doing.

K xx