and did i really have much control over it?
uBPD hub... . rollercoaster from early on, got married after living together for one year. On my wedding night, he went out and got drunk with his friends all night. I figured since they got to the party late, it was his bachelor party. On my honeymoon, he turned it into a pub crawl, and yelled at me the entire time. Then he would be sweet as pie, and the guy i fell in love with. He was really good to my boy, who was 7 at the time. He was a huge help on the farm.
I considered we had a working relationship. I worked on stuff. He learned to say "i'm sorry" and worked on not abusing me verbally. we had good periods. then he would run away and disappear for a week or two. This happened lots, early on. He would come back, and say, "I guess I must love you, I came back."
I wondered, but i loved him. I got PTSD from his PTSD. I got ill, diagnosed hypo thyroid and hypo adrenal. I started having seizures. I got treatment, and started getting healthier.
He kept drinking. And not getting healthier.
When he would run away, I would read his diaries, trying to figure out what the heck was up with him. He would talk about trying to find another 50 something woman to take care of him. He would fantasize about his old gfs. (afik, it stayed fantasy, and he was faithful. I really valued that). He would say "I'm not sure i can live with the old lady'. He would project about all ways doing all the work, the dishes, etc. He would complain i abandoned him when i went off to work for the weekends. I didn't understand this at all, and it made me mad. I know i'm not supposed to read private journals, but this was when he would 'leave me forever, and leave me all his things to do whatever with.
Things settled down. He would still get mad, but he'd go off to his hut and get over it. Then he finally got a job last year. We both worked the same place, i thought we were doing really well.
He got back on drugs. Then he got off meth, but his libido tanked. He didn't tell me he relapsed. (It would have been useful to know). I thought, after a huge breakup and re-commitment last year, that he was neglecting me again. He made comments like 'we don't have sex because we're married, and it took it right out of me. (In his journals he would complain because we didn't have sex!)
I tried to talk about the relationship, he broke up with me. I went home, he texted come on down, i miss you. When i got back, he got mad and wanted a divorce. Then i read his journal, found out about the drugs, about how he hated me and didn't want anything to do with me and so i filed the papers, and served him. ( I thought i was doing the right thing. I thought i was giving him what he wanted. My family thought i was doing the right thing. My friends thought i was doing the right thing. The exception was one lady here on the mountain, who said, well, he's not perfect, but he is there!)
Then he got mad, threatening, etc. Says he wasn't addicted, and that i was lying to people. Yelling because i gave him a car that needed fixing. NC for one month. I offered to fix the car, (he needs a working vehicle to work, and i felt i could do it. now he is back here at the property. Drinking yesterday, today 'i can't drink any more'.
And i look at him, and i still love him, and NOW i find out about the BPD, i understand the hating me part and wonder if i've made the biggest mistake of my life in serving the papers... . his ex said he would have recycled back to me in a couple of months. He has no where to go, put his stuff in storage. I still worry about him. And the divorce was over a huge mis-communication, over-reaction on my part, and because he said he wanted one. And now i want to beg him to stay. OY.
I was just getting used to him not being here, and resigned to living without him. He moved all his stuff out. Now that he is here, i wonder. And he's still mad at me, and getting the last of his things and i want him not to be mad at me, and i miss my hubbies loving arms and wonder what was i thinking? And could I get him back?
And do i want him back? Perhaps i should just get a therapist. My friends would say I need my head examined, that i 'deserve so much better'. It was my friends carping on this theme at a time when i was complaining of his neglect that made me try to talk to him about the relationship that started the whole divorce ball rolling. My fault, that one! Didn't know after all these years, that he just wasn't capable of talking about the relationship without getting triggered.
talk about circular thinking!
