Big Night-Need Support

[MatOfTheDoor]

I don't know where to begin but here is the basic story. I met my wife 8 years ago and have been married for 7. The relationship has been extremely toxic and I believe my wife has BPD with histrionic & narcissistic traits. At this point it doesn't matter because she has found a new love in another state and I am filing for divorce tomorrow. We are both agreeable to divorcing and it is in our best interests. The wife has been addicted to Facebook since 2009 and has had at least 2 emotional affairs that I know of. The first one happened in 2010 and I was devastated but chose to stay in the marriage to try and work our issues out. My stepson was in high school at the time and I felt it was not the right time to divorce. Since then I now realize that talking to my wife is like talking to an emotional child. Every time I try to have an adult conversation about issues in our lives it quickly gets shut down. Acceptance that we have no future together has taken many years for me. I get caught up in the drama of her life and almost feel like a voyeur because we have no connection but somehow she is able to connect with other men. So, have I just been used like an object to fulfill her needs, maybe so. One thing is certain, she's been living in my house for 8 years while refusing to pay any of the bills. Classic cake eater in my opinion. Anyway, my stepson moved out of the house 6 months ago and now my wife has started up an emotional affair 6 weeks ago. I discovered this early on and warned her what would happen if she didn't cut contact with the other man. The warning was telling her that I would not go down that path again and she had to make a choice between Facebook guy or me. She chose Facebook guy by her actions so I am choosing divorce. The actions she took involved cell phone calls every night with the other man, separate bedrooms, isolate me, blame me for her actions and finally the inevitable trip to go meet him in person this weekend. In 6 weeks I spied on her to confirm her seduction of the other man which I needed to do because she constantly told me they were just friends. I needed the truth for my own closure so I spied. The manipulation & seduction technique my wife is using with the other man is the same one she used on me. Now comes my biggest problem, wife comes home tomorrow and has no money until September. I have little money myself so we are going to be stuck living in the same house for a month or so. My plan is to move out of state after she moves but how can I detach while she is still living in my house? I want to be civil about this but I admit that anger and jealousy seep in. How can I be so attached to someone who treats me so poorly? This question I must find the answer too so I don't repeat my poor choices in the future. I know I must work through the pain to grow and become healthy again. The focus has to shift from her to me and I am committed to doing this. Thanks everybody for being here for support and advice because the isolation and loneliness takes a lot out of me. I find some solace in the fact that I am my wife's 5th husband and she is my 1st and the drama can finally end if I make good choices.

[Emelie Emelie]

Mat - It sounds like you're doing well... . making good choices.  And chance you can stay with a friend until September?  Sounds like you're in for a couple of hellish months if not.

[MatOfTheDoor]

Unfortunately I can't move out for another month. I'll have to stay busy and away from her as much as possible. The good news is that her new job is an hour away and starts in 2 weeks. If she refuses to leave after starting her new job then I'll file chapter 7 and walk away from my house. Pretty sad but I have a new job in another state which helps.

[atcrossroads]

Mat - just wanted to send you strength.  It's hard as hell, but you are getting ready to be free from the toxicity of your r/s.  When I left, I was still in love with my husband even though we had been separated in the house for 5 months.  We were in separate bedrooms and chatted minimally - superficial stuff.  I stayed in "my" room (the guest room) the majority of the time (ate in there, etc.).  It was awkward but fine most of the time but we had a couple big blow ups toward the end which gave me the final push I needed to leave (when I say big, I mean big.  He believed I was trying to poison him, he threatened to get a gun, talked of suicide a lot, blamed me for ruining his life, told me no one else would ever want me, told me he would make sure I suffered if I left, etc. -- typed out it sure looks like abuse!). 

Even with all that going on, I still felt love, care, concern for my husband (he was unraveling for God's sake!).  I felt if I left and we divorced, my whole life would be unraveled.  I felt I was losing so much and my mind kept going back to all the good (there was mostly good -- great compatibility, kindness, affection, fun between us during our marriage).  Well, once things reached breaking (i.e. danger) point, and I had to leave, I was heartbroken and scared because of my feelings for him.  However, once I left it became more and more clear that I was painted black -- any time I began to wax nostalgic, I would receive a venomous email full of name calling, lies, and threats.  He was and still is damn cruel to me.  He has made every aspect, ever step of our separation and pending divorce ridiculously complicated and tumultuous.  It didn't take long for me to feel fully validated in leaving -- his actions AFTER our split are what really reassured for me that I made the right decision.

It will get better I promise you that -- it may get worse first, but hang in there until things get better.  You are doing the right thing.

[Clearmind]

 

Remind yourself Mat that her behaviour is the result of projections. I know its hard not to get angry however anger at this point will only blur your goal. Detach with kindness and compassion – for yourself! Start planning your new life, write lists, research jobs – these are all ways to gain back some personal power.

This is a huge wake up call Mat – for the better – I have had two Borderline relationships and now have done a lot a work on what attracted me and why I stayed – I would never dream of staying in another now. You will heal and you will find a women you are compatible with.

Look forward to hearing more about you!

[MatOfTheDoor]

Thanks Clearmind, atcrossroads and Emelie Emelie for your support and advice, it means a lot to me. Today I filed the petition for divorce and the summons will be served in the next 10 days. Today is very symbolic for me to file because I warned my wife that I would be divorcing her if she crossed the boundary of visiting her emotional affair partner. I asked her 6 weeks ago to choose between me or the other guy and she never cut contact & went to visit other man this weekend. Today she returns from other man to live with me temporarily, hence the importance of the day. I do feel some closure now that the process has been officially started because she always thought I was bluffing. I can finally see an end to this drama hell and will be a doormat no more.

[Anikaca77]

Hi-

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorta somewhat in the same situation, my husband cheated online an emotional "online" affair 2 years ago... . he kept in contact with her after I asked him to stop all contact with her and let's try to get our marriage to work. He wanted to do nothing about it.

He kept talking with her behind my back.  I checked his e-mails, had no idea.  He is BPD as well.

He took the rest of the cats I couldn't take and moved 2 states away.  He wouldn't tell me where he was going and I had no idea until almost a week had gone by and he finally told me where he was.  I was so crushed and the pain in my heart and stomach just were gut wrenching.  I'm trying to get through day by day now and pull through this.  It's been 2 weeks since he's been gone now.  I still dream about him, etc.

I know I need to file... . if you don't mind me asking, did it cost anything to file?

[MatOfTheDoor]

Anikaca77, It amazes me how many people on here have been hurt financially by the BPD person in their life. I personally have. Anyway, I'm sorry that you are going through the same kind of situation as me. To answer your question I didn't have to spend 1 dime. I filled out a form called Determination Of Civil Indigent Status. Basically you fill out a form stating your debt, assets, employment and gross income last year. If you didn't make much money and have lots of debt you should qualify. Otherwise it cost $450 in the state where I live. The fee to have the summons served was also waived. I know it can be tough to file when funds are low. My wife & I have no shared assets or liability & no kids together which makes the process pretty straight forward. If the divorce is contested then you will need to hire an attorney but there may be assistance with that also. Hang in there because things will start to get better. I had the pain in my gut for awhile 3 years ago and then never fully reattached with my wife. Now it is still painful but not even close to the hurt I felt in 2010. I also will have to be splitting up our shared cats which sucks but at least now we will both be taking care of litter box duty, vet bills & cat food. For 8 years I've been cleaning litter for 9 cats & spending lots on food/litter.